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Hi My name is Michelle. I am 27 and a senior in College. My life was on hold for a while but I am pretty much back on track. I am a survivor and a thriver( I don't think that is a real word but it rhymes). I am not so sure that this is the right spot for stories so I won't go into all that. I will say that I was raped and sexually abused for many years by many different people both men and women. When I was 20 I was raped by a guy I was dating on 2 seperate occassions. The anniversary Of the first time he raped me is Nov. 11. That is Thursday. This day has come to be the anniversary of all that I experienced as an adult and as a child. My boyfriend knows I am a survivor but he doesn't know that the anniversary is so close. I am miserable. He keeps asking me what is wrong but I can't say it because I feel guilty and ashamed. I spent 3 years in therapy and it saved my life but this time of year is just awful. My PTSD symptoms get worse I want to cry all the time I want to close myself off to the world but I know that is not healthy or responsible. Guilt and shame are such powerful emotions. Come Nov. 12th I will be like the Pheonix that rises from the ashes into greatness. But right now I am crumbleling. Any advice is greatly appreciated...... Thanks for listening Michelle

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Hi Michelle, :):)

Welcome to our group. Glad you found us. This group, is like a big family, we are all here for each other, through the bad times aswell as the good time.

Hope you settle with us soon.

Anniversaries are awful to deal with, but feel free to say whatever you need to, knowing that you are in a safe group, and that there will be someone going or been through what you are feeling. Which can help you through it.

Take gentle care.

Love Catherine

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((((Michelle))))

Welcome to AS sweetie... :hug:

(((hugs)))

Donna =)

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Hi Michelle

Welcome to after silence, I'm glad you found your way here!

Love Venia

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Welcome Michelle!

My anniversary is hard on me too. I try to spend as much time as i can hiding away in my room or spending time alone. the next is like a breath of fresh air. I feel like i've overcome something great. Hang in there! :throb:

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Guest Elisah

(((((Michelle))))) Welcome to AS. :throb:

My anniversary is really hard for me every year too. I used to try to plan something big for that day so I wouldn't have to think about what day it is. But that never works. This year, I just honored my anniversary by allowing myself for the first time to just feel lousy and sad. I am hoping, though, that I'll get to a place someday that I can mark that day by doing something that makes me feel empowered.

I hope you keep posting and welcome again to the board.

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Thank you all for making me feel so welcomed here... Michelle

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welcome hugs :hug::hug::hug::hug:

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Hi Michelle!

Welcome to The Family! I'm fairly new here too. Know that you are safe and that we're all here for you! I had my first anniversary on October 22nd. I spent the day at trial for my case. How ironic huh? Not sure what the Oct 22nd's of my future will look like, but I know that I have a safe place here and much support. I will be thinking of you this Thursday and sending love your way! Glad you're here!

Love, Jill

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((((Michelle))))

welcome to After Silence :hug:

Anniversaries are a big challenge for many survivors. My anniversary was not long ago and I was in such a bad place in my mind that I didn't share it anyone, it was only me and my demons to keep me company. It's something I regret now because dealing with it all by myself made it all more painful and the fact that no one else but me was there to remember the day I survived made me feel incredibly lonely inside. The only advice that I can give you is to share your day with someone. Even just mentioning it with someone who cares about you could make you feel less alone. I'll be thinking of you and the fact that you survived and are here today. The image of a Phoenix rising from the ashes into greatness is very beautiful and inspiring.

Hugs,

Vera

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Michelle,

You ARE a phoenix riseing from the ashes. And we will be right here to celebrate your Survival with you okay? My heart goes out to you. You did not deserve the kind of treatment you were given. Sometimes I think men believe because they are stronger than most women they will use their power to control us. Not all men but those who have this kind of behavioral defect, it's sick. Women are just as strong. If anything we are stronger emotionally, we can handle anything that comes are way including pain. My hope is that he never touches another woman the rest of his life. Period. And that you find yourself again the way you really want to. Because you are somebody, a beautiful woman full of strength and courage. There is just something radiant about the fact that you got away. And have re-built your life over again. I relate because I was once in the same sort of situation once. Unable to feel free, but you are free.

Live for now Michelle, that's all you can do. Tomarrow is a day of celebration, you Survived! Be proud of that, that's your strength, your day, not his.

Love, Haullie

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I have had this fantasy for years about having a funeral for the part of me that died at the hands of my perpetrators. She needs to be honored because who knows who she could have or would have been. I have a picture of me from when I was little that I love. In the picture I am about 3 and I think to myself wow my uncle had already hurt me. I feel longing for the unknown that might have been her life. He was just the beginning. I am safe I am alive and I am thankful but the one question I will never know the answer to is what would she have been who would she have but . Please think of me tomorrow..................Michelle

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Michelle,

I would rather have a homecoming, for the new beginning that has started in your life. Think of now as your re-birth into who you are, into understanding every aspect of who you are to be from here on out. Do not think of her as dead, she's thriving and needs healing still. If she doesn't heal the wounds will always fester. But to acknowledge that you are giving a piece of your past special recognition is the most precious gift of all, that is something you have already done whether you even realized it or not. The first step towards positive healing IS acknowledgement that our past is going to be our driving force for the future, it's what made us who we are today. If not for the past we would not understand who we are, where to go, how to cope with every day agressions and chaos as it seems to get worse with time and growth of society and it's surroundings. You have to look to your life as the beakon that will push away all of that silence, now is the time. Tomarrow is the celebration of your awakening and your Survival, may it never be as dim as it always was.

Love, Haullie

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Many hugs to you Michelle.

I know that anniversaries can be very difficult for each of us. You will be in my prayers tomorrow. I hope that you feel better after the day is over and that the day itself does not overwhelm you. Welcome to After Silence and if you need to talk, just let me know.

Lynz

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A belated welcome to AS I hope that it helps in your healing journey and good luck on the 12th, I hope its a rebirth in your life. :hug::hug:

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I can't tell you all how thankful I am to have found this place. This very second I feel like a stranger in my own home. My boyfriend has no idea what today is and keeps asking me what is wrong. But here I can just be and it is ok.... Michelle

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