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  1. @missfrier Thank you for the warm welcome, it is most appreciated. I am glad I found this place as well, even if it is to get my story out. I am not good at making or keeping friends, I'm quite awkward, but am trying to engage as I can. Thank you for giving me a support system, it will take some getting use to. ~DayLily
  2. I only have one memory left when it comes to my biological mother, I was in about 4th grade. We were passing through to stay in Las Vegas for a short while. My dad had asked us if we wanted to go and see our mother. She was working at a bowling ally. We all decided to go see her at her work and bowl for a little while. I remember my feet were too small for the shoes that they had there, so I just wore my socks. This may not have been the best idea for a little kid, bowling in socks. However, it was pretty funny when I slipped and went with the ball down the lane. Rule number one, let go of th
  3. Packing up our belongings and preparing to load the car, my brothers came home from one last time on the mountain. Looking at them as they were coming into view something was following them, it was a small pug-nosed dog. It was so ugly with it's face all pushed in, that it was actually kind of cute. My brothers kept trying to tell it to go home, but the thing wouldn't leave, it was persistent to come home with them. To much surprise though as we packed the car, our dad said we could take it with us. It was cold and damp out and the pup wouldn't leave, so seemed best to take him with us. After
  4. @S_Sundance I definitely appreciate you for that. And I do look forward to learning and opening up more, especially if my stories do help other's. I'm here if you need to reach out as well. ~DayLily
  5. @WannaMoveOn Thanks Wanna I appreciate the kinds word. I definitely am not use to looking for a support system, well not in a healthy way. Thanks for taking to time to reach out to me. ~DayLily
  6. @8888 I appreciate the warm welcome. I tend to be an observer, it's safer to be that way. But am trying to communicate and respond where I can. I'm a bit awkward when it comes to socializing. Thank you for seeing me. ~DayLily
  7. @AudreyP Thank you for being so brave to fight for yourself and your voice, you should be very proud taking the steps you have. You Are Worthy ~DayLily
  8. It was time to move again to another place in yet another town. I remember going to my classroom to let my teacher know that I was no longer going to be in her class anymore. That my family was moving away. I remember her quieting down the class, preparing them for the announcement. She spoke very clear and told the class I was moving away and wouldn't be here anymore. I wasn't really sure what to expect, but I was never prepared for the reaction I got. I don't know why, but for some reason the class Cheered! They were excited about the news of me leaving, even the teacher. I was hurt so bad a
  9. @SociallyAwkward Thank you for that. I feel a child's foundation is the most important thing they can have growing up.. As you have started to read and if you choose to continue....mine is anything but that. I'm sorry about the pain you experienced , especially so young. That hurts me not just as a someone who is broken and it being young...but as a mother. Thank you for willing to be here. ~DayLily
  10. @mini.finch I appreciate the warm welcome. I am not use to putting myself out there like this but I've struggled too long on my own battling the darkness. Despite it feeling safe and all I've known, it's not healthy. I don't think I've ever fully recognized the CPTSD up until my latest episode. It has terrified me to a point I have never gotten to. I hope I can meet some people and hopefully start to come to the light. ~DayLily
  11. @MeBeMary Thank you for your kind words and reaching out to me. I am finally able to accept I need a healthy support system. I don't want to be alone anymore. Not in the sense of I feel I'm the only one, but alone in the sense of carrying this darkness and not being able to see past it. I've spent my entire life trying to fix me, maybe there's another way. ~DayLily
  12. My father liked me to be dressed a certain way. It seemed like I always looked like the poster child for an orphanage. Nothing ever fit, and all the colors that was once there had been warn out. Wearing second-hand jean dresses, shoes too big, and always had long ratted dirty blonde hair. I remember being in the city with bright lights and many hotels. A place of gambling and acceptable sin, my birth place Las Vegas. I am in third grade now. We always lived in some sort of Motel most of the time. A room with one bed, a couch and a small bathroom is where the four of us would stay. My dad would
  13. Like all stories of how one comes to be, there is always a beginning. When you think of your childhood what is the first picture you see, the first memory brought to light? For me I am about 3 years old and I see a small room with two brothers who are older then me, a TV and small kitchen. All day we would hang out together watching TV. There is no food and nothing to drink, for three days we are in this room, just us kids. Remembering how hungry I was, not sure where the food is, or when we will eat. On the night of the third day I see the front door open and in walks a woman and a man. The
  14. After years of suppressing, blaming myself, and allowing it to manifest, My Pandora's Box finally broke open. I have CPTSD and had a trigger a week ago and am still working my way out of it. I normally suffer for minutes to hours, but several days has me terrified. I decided to try to find a Safe Place to tell my stories, and try to release all that has ahold of me. I know this doesn't replace therapy, but the darkness and isolation of my trauma's are causing disconnections that I fear will take hold of me completely if I don't find my voice. I have started a blog here and will continue to tel
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