[I'm just feeling so conflicted]

Im sorry about what happened Amy.

[Why Daddy?? SpeakingOut]

Thank You TeeJ . I am sorry your mother was so ignorant of the situation. Guess mine was too. I am sorry for what happened to you.

[More Aftermath]

Hi Dasi

I do find your first blog entry amusing. Like how you try to make "light" of certain things by using humor .  I do admire your courage for giving your father another chance. I cant stand the thought of seeing my father again. Never mind communicate with him in any sort of way. Good luck with the rest of your healing process

[Old vs. New]

Hi Dragonflies

You will never be the same person again. That is a fact. I wished for that many times. Something happened that is going to affect the rest of your life. Sometimes in major ways in the sense that you cant bear the thought of someone else touching you, which could also possibly affect future relationships. And sometimes it will affect you in smaller ways, you might get triggered by simple and little things people say that reminds you of the abuser/abuse. You cant change what happened but you can choose how to deal with your trauma. Alienating yourself from others wont help. I cant stand people around me all the time, I get irritated. But no "man" is an island. You need to surround yourself with positive supportive people if you are able to do so. I am an introvert and even I cant stand silence and isolation all the time. I surround myself with people ocassionally.  
It will get better with time. The different and overwhelming feelings you are experiencing. You might find that difficult to believe right now. You will never forget, you will never heal completely, but it does get better.

You will learn to accept the new you. Not the sad, conflicted you as you are now.  You will work through that. You will learn to deal with it in a postive, constructive way. You will decide how the new you is formed and at what pace. You will decide who you interact with, who you surround yourself with, who deserves to be in your life, who not, to whom you open your heart, most importantly you will decide the type of attitude with which you live your life each and everyday. Sometimes it is hard to have a positive mind set,a positive outlook, a positive attitude during the midst of it all, but when you feel down, depressed or at your lowest think of something or someone that makes you happy. We all had dreams before we were sexually assaulted. I pursued mine despite my trauma. The thought of little children makes me happy. I could just eat them up. I just wanna hold them and protect them from the ugly things in life. They look so young, innocent and carefree. 

You are brave, you are strong, you are a fighter. The new you emphasizes that in a much more powerful way than before. Your journey as a survivor is an inspiration to other women and male survivors. 

[I'm just feeling so conflicted]

Hi HRKinsman

What happened to me most of the time was also "silent" rape. No screaming, no fighting. I fought initially and eventually gave up. More details are on my Blog. What happened was not your fault. Sometimes we feel a lot of self blame, but you learn to deal better with it with time. Some people just don't know the legal definition of rape. I have been told I asked for it. People choose to burry their heads in the sand and look the other way. I was abused by my father and also kept quiet for years because I was ashamed, scared and I didnt want people to know that part of my life and look at and treat me differently.

I hope you have someone who you can trust and speak to. If not I'm here for you