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I'm just feeling so conflicted


HRKinsman

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I keep having this back and fourth in my head because I haven't found anyone who genuinly understands what's happened to me.

I'm only 19 and I feel like the victum of domestic violence, i was never married, but I look at other survivors and know their pain deeply, yet feel ashamed compairing myself to them, because my pain could never be as bad as someone who was married for years.

It seems like my story isn't "violent" or "serious" enough for people to absorb what happened. The violent physical and mental pain from my whole experience is just blanketed by.....people thinking I'm over reacting. 

I have people saying what happened to me wasn't even rape because I didn't "fight" him off of me, or that I didn't scream. They think because I was in a relationship with him that it doesn't count as rape.

They think because I didn't tell anyone for years, that it wasn't serious enough at the time.

I don't want to bother any of my family or friends with my pain. He would always make up stories and blow things out of proportion to get attention. It made people resent him. I don't want to become like him. 

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Hi HRKinsman

What happened to me most of the time was also "silent" rape. No screaming, no fighting. I fought initially and eventually gave up. More details are on my Blog. What happened was not your fault. Sometimes we feel a lot of self blame, but you learn to deal better with it with time. Some people just don't know the legal definition of rape. I have been told I asked for it. People choose to burry their heads in the sand and look the other way. I was abused by my father and also kept quiet for years because I was ashamed, scared and I didnt want people to know that part of my life and look at and treat me differently.

I hope you have someone who you can trust and speak to. If not I'm here for you:hug:

 

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I am new to this blog/chat system, but feel like I have found kindred souls with many people already.  I was date raped two weeks ago, but can only imagine how horrible it would be to know your attacker for years.  I already had issues with trusting men, but must be horrible when it is someone you know personally.  Shame is part of the process of healing and should be recognized, but don't be too hard on yourself.  I try not to be.  Some feel date rape doesn't exist because she/he asked for it.  That is where the shame comes in it for me.  The fact that I exposed my children to the danger of this man is unthinkable to me.

One of the first things I did in my recovery (in process) is to write a letter to myself.  From an outside view looking in.  I wrote a letter from survivor to victim.  Next I am going to write a letter to myself from the victim point of view.

I am glad to say that, so far, I don't have any std's or I am not pregnant.  My aggressor was unable to become fully errect and would take the frustration out on me and had me do things that I would not even imagine doing.  I don't know if it is just denial, but I have a hard time hating my aggressor.  Right now I am just afraid.

My stalking injunction was denied by the court, so I am trying to be as safe as possible with me and my kids.  i have a stun gun hidden at home, I carry Pepper spray. 

Once a friend told me that she doesn't trust anyone.  I thought that was harsh, but now I have a hard time trusting many.

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