About a year and a half ago there was an event in my life that re-triggered those old suicidal feelings for me. I found a good therapist in my area to re-explore this old crap. Hehehe! We got a lot of excellent work done which lead me to a point where I wanted to arrange to see my perpetrator (dad) again. I had cut off communication with him twenty years ago and the freedom from ever seeing him again was heavenly. I had heard through my dysfunctional family "grapevine" that dad had been having mini strokes. I knew that if I were to finally have closure on my issues that I needed to see him before he dies. I also wanted to do everything in my power to protect all children from falling into his csa trap.
To spare you the long winded version; the trip went well. I am back in communication with him and his current wife. As long as someone in my family does not sabotage my efforts. Dad has lost much mental capacity due to the strokes. I went there prepared to have a little review session with him regarding his sins against me and the rest of the family. I have 7 years hospital experience as an ER tech, and ICU Monitor tech. I am therefore able to assess dad's mental status. I found him to be dramatically altered mentally, and somewhat physically, to the approximate reasoning level of an 8-10 year old boy. There was no point in kicking this poor old dog. It would be like beating a puppy with a stick and I don't do that kind of stuff.
At this point I am focused on getting to know him in his current state but, more importantly getting to know his current wife. They were only newlyweds when I cut off communication with them. I live two states away from the rest of my family. (This is no accident.) Historically on an average I see family members every few years or so. Therefore, it is going to take time before I will be in a position to remind her how dangerous my dad can be if left alone with her grandchildren or any other children. He is of course even more dangerous now that his reasoning ability is compromised. One of the unfortunate side effects of him getting away with his crimes, is that I never pursued it legally so, he did no prison time. This makes it so much easier for the family denial to captain the ship of dysfunction. If he were a registered sex criminal like he should be, then it would be real for everyone involved and, the problem would resolve itself.
In the meantime my mother is very angered by the fact that I am on good terms with him and his wife. As you can imagine seeing dad again has opened up old junk for me, and I kinda need my mommy right now. Hehe! Well, she has forbidden me to call her and is unwilling to respond to any of my emails or texts for days on end. In other words she is making all of this about her again. The first time she was informed about the csa was when I was 24 years old and pregnant with my only child 32 years ago. I confronted Dad in a therapeutic environment to establish boundaries to protect my unborn child from his csa. Mom and Dad divorced over the whole thing and she went into a serious depression that lasted for many years. The family blames me of course for all of this. Anyway, she got a pass from me back then because, even I kinda thought the whole divorce was my fault. I know better now, but the family still subconsciously mentally tortures me over the aftermath I have suffered. They don't know that they are doing it, but they still are "gaslighting" and using me as a "scapegoat" for their dysfunctional behaviors. Mom has no valid excuse for pushing me away now. She should be there for me but, you know how that goes sometimes. The link below takes you to an excellent article on how insidious gaslighting is in our society. Us survivors have been the unfortunate recipients of this sophisticated type of manipulation, particularly from our own families but, from society as well.
So, I am currently dealing with the mommy issues that are inconspicuously tied into the chain of abuse. I hope that people find this blog ironically amusing, interesting and encouraging. After all isn't this journey, something like a "dramedy", filled with twisted and somewhat dark humor? Laughter is great medicine!