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Dasi's Blog

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Dasi

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About a year and a half ago there was an event in my life that re-triggered those old suicidal feelings for me. I found a good therapist in my area to re-explore this old crap. Hehehe! We got a lot of excellent work done which lead me to a point where I wanted to arrange to see my perpetrator (dad) again. I had cut off communication with him twenty years ago and the freedom from ever seeing him again was heavenly. I had heard through my dysfunctional family "grapevine" that dad had been having mini strokes. I knew that if I were to finally have closure on my issues that I needed to see him before he dies. I also wanted to do everything in my power to protect all children from falling into his csa trap.

To spare you the long winded version; the trip went well. I am back in communication with him and his current wife. As long as someone in my family does not sabotage my efforts. Dad has lost much mental capacity due to the strokes. I went there prepared to have a little review session with him regarding his sins against me and the rest of the family. I have 7 years hospital experience as an ER tech, and ICU Monitor tech. I am therefore able to assess dad's mental status. I found him to be dramatically altered mentally, and somewhat physically, to the approximate reasoning level of an 8-10 year old boy. There was no point in kicking this poor old dog. It would be like beating a puppy with a stick and I don't do that kind of stuff.

At this point I am focused on getting to know him in his current state but, more importantly getting to know his current wife. They were only newlyweds when I cut off communication with them. I live two states away from the rest of my family. (This is no accident.) Historically on an average I see family members every few years or so. Therefore, it is going to take time before I will be in a position to remind her how dangerous my dad can be if left alone with her grandchildren or any other children. He is of course even more dangerous now that his reasoning ability is compromised. One of the unfortunate side effects of him getting away with his crimes, is that I never pursued it legally so, he did no prison time. This makes it so much easier for the family denial to captain the ship of dysfunction. If he were a registered sex criminal like he should be, then it would be real for everyone involved and, the problem would resolve itself.

In the meantime my mother is very angered by the fact that I am on good terms with him and his wife. As you can imagine seeing dad again has opened up old junk for me, and I kinda need my mommy right now. Hehe! Well, she has forbidden me to call her and is unwilling to respond to any of my emails or texts for days on end. In other words she is making all of this about her again. The first time she was informed about the csa was when I was 24 years old and pregnant with my only child 32 years ago. I confronted Dad in a therapeutic environment to establish boundaries to protect my unborn child from his csa. Mom and Dad divorced over the whole thing and she went into a serious depression that lasted for many years. The family blames me of course for all of this. Anyway, she got a pass from me back then because, even I kinda thought the whole divorce was my fault. I know better now, but the family still subconsciously mentally tortures me over the aftermath I have suffered. They don't know that they are doing it, but they still are "gaslighting" and using me as a "scapegoat" for their dysfunctional behaviors. Mom has no valid excuse for pushing me away now. She should be there for me but, you know how that goes sometimes. The link below takes you to an excellent article on how insidious gaslighting is in our society. Us survivors have been the unfortunate recipients of this sophisticated type of manipulation, particularly from our own families but, from society as well.

So, I am currently dealing with the mommy issues that are inconspicuously tied into the chain of abuse. I hope that people find this blog ironically amusing, interesting and encouraging. After all isn't this journey, something like a "dramedy", filled with twisted and somewhat dark humor? Laughter is great medicine!

-Dasi :butterfly::butterfly::butterfly:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html

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you sound very strong. I admire how you handle all of this. It must be really challenging. Thank you for sharing your experience and the article

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Hello Lacedwithpain,

Thank you for your kind complement. Any strength that you may perceive in me is available, to you and, all survivors as well. I see that you are an artist. That means that you have the most powerful tools of all available to you. The artists' process is a potent skill, that taps directly into the core of your being, as I am sure you already know. You can, and probably already do, use this skill as a means of letting go of the old pain and tapping into your highest personal strengths. In other words you recognize my strength only because you possess the same kind of strength in yourself.

Namaste,

Dasi

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My father's greatest sins involved the emotional grooming, brainwashing, sabotage, rape and betrayal. After the rape, sometime around my 12th birthday, I made the conscious realization that neither one of my parents would ever provide any meaningful protection for me from anything. At that point I dismissed any of their feeble parenting attempts as simply manipulation tactics. I found an out through my social world and sanctuary among friends. I indulged in drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. I was punished for my rebellion many times over and continue to be to this day. Now, as a mature adult, my conclusions remain the same as when I was 11-12 years old. My family is simply untrustworthy. I have one sibling, a brother, who has benefited greatly by me being ostracized by the family.

I am proud of the life I created once I broke free from the family. However, the scars of my past have come back to sabotage me still. I just wanted to rise above all that old crap, and prove that I could create a better life, without those people who hurt me so deeply. But, you know its not simple. Its like trying to build a castle on a cliff that keeps falling away from the foundation. Its not fair to those who have been used up and thrown away like us survivors so often are. I believe it is the family way of cleaning house. The parents screw up the older children for life. Then, in an attempt to redeem themselves for their sins, they spoil the younger siblings. That plan did not work out for my younger brother emotionally though. He is depressed, lonely, and decidedly drinking himself to death. The irony is, that for me, I am the lucky one in the bigger picture. So, even though I am almost an orphan of sorts, I have my self respect. That is a gift that cannot be bought by familial manipulations.
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Hello Dasi,

You sound wonderfully on top of your game and in control of your cognitive processing. Amazing. I have endless respect for the work you have put in to heal. With where I am right, I'm not in the best head space, I am drawing sadness out of success. I mean does this ever end? Will it ever just be gone or okay? It feels like a lifetime of always coping. It makes me lose hope sometimes. It just seems like coming from these kinds of backgrounds is such a disadvantage. Spend a lifetime trying to undo the damage from unfit parents, eek

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Hello Lacedwithpain,

Thank you for your lovely compliments. I have been heavily involved in healing work for 36 years or so. The sadness that accompanies success is difficult, but becomes easier, the more we push the boundaries that keep us imprisoned and feeling alienated from family, friends, and society. My spiritual path opens up like a lotus more and more as I delve deeper into my past through all levels of artistic expression. Writing is my newest creative medium for my voice. My intention is to keep my writing style a little sardonic as I have found humor to be the best medicine for me personally. Peeling back the dark layers of our past as survivors is always painful, but a little laughter goes a long way, in making these old grim memories a little easier to face. My slightly twisted humor may not always be immediately visible but, my purpose, is to help my readers illuminate their own dark closets. As we explore these old memories, and bring them into the light of the present, we disable the power they hold over us.

Personally, I consider myself to be warrior of sorts. This attitude empowers me to turn the tables on the demons that seek to destroy me. You know the ones that I speak of. I also consider all of us survivors to be something like "the chosen ones". We can either believe that we are victims or believe that we can help ourselves and others by shedding light on this insidious social problem. I'm not preaching, I have my ups and downs for sure. This is the mindset that drives me beyond accepting a victim's fate.

Namaste,

Dasi

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Dear Mom,

I love you unconditionally. Do you love me unconditionally? If you love the family then, please start a therapy program that will help us, work through these subconscious  issues that are devastating us all. I will be your greatest fan and supporter. You will finally be able to understand the love that I have for you. It runs as deep as the Grand Canyon. My wish is that together we can heal and protect the rest of the family from the fallout caused by centuries of the chain of abuse. Without you as an ally I will not be able to reach the rest of the family for full healing. It will require a therapeutic environment akin to family and marriage counseling.

When dad raped me you were unavailable to me in many ways, which made you unapproachable at the time.  This combined with your obvious emotional delicacy made it clear that I could not go to you for help.  Upon my first confrontation with dad, you proved both dad and me right, in keeping it a secret from you. You made the whole problem about you rather than being supportive to me. I was going through a difficult time but you and the rest of the family felt entitled to insidiously treat  me as if I was the other woman. The whole scene was about how dad had wronged YOU! I was left out in the cold AGAIN. I gave you a pass at that time, because I knew how fragile you were. I toughed it out on my own for the second time in my life.

I continued to reassure you many times over the years that you could not have helped me because you did not know about it. This time however you have no excuse for pushing me away. You have known about this for 32 years! You have relegated me to only contact you via email. Do you abhor me for surviving the rape and following  through with protecting children from further csa acts by dad?  Your abandonment, exhibited through avoidance behavior, indicates this to be true.  When I informed you, on Christmas day, that C…. and I have reopened communication with dad and P.., you decided to end all telephone conversations with me. Again you are displaying the behavior of a jealous wife. I AM NOT THE OTHER WOMAN!  I know this is deeply disturbing for us all; ignoring the problem is no resolution.

I have already lost you and the family; therefore, I have nothing to lose by speaking the truth. Thanks for not aborting me due to your teen pregnancy. All the new and coming young family members are counting on me to end the chain of abuse. But, I will leave the family to their own devices if you want me to go. I hope this is what you want because, you leave me no other healthy alternative. I have sufficiently rattled everyone’s cages, so that any current family members will think twice before committing the horrible crime of csa against our younger generations.

Please do not allow F..... to destroy your relationship with C..... So far he has successfully destroyed our mother daughter relationship. He identified your weaknesses from early in your online dating. He stalked you. He has preyed upon the family distress for his own gain. Now, he is systematically cutting off your relationships from your offspring and will continue through the grandchildren until he has you all to himself. From the outside this, is clearly his intention and, is why I do not respect or trust F..... Please take care of C… as he is not willing to accept help from me. This is due to the family blaming me for surviving the csa. Nobody wants to deal with the messy aftermath and hate me for the family problem. C.... is severely hurting and needs your love. He is lonely and drinking himself to death. You can believe what I say, because you know that I have already lost you and the family; therefore, I have nothing left to lose by speaking the truth. Remember, I am watching you all. These are my final words before you send me to the gallows.  I wish you and the rest of the family the best in life and I hope that you wish the same for me. I leave the final decision in your hands as to how this fate plays out between us.

Love,

Dasi

The Unholy Trinity of Narcissism :

manipulation+money+avoidance=love?  (False)

manipulation+money+avoidance=sabotage? (True)

Edited by Dasi
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I too dealt with the family . In my case it was my brother.  As he was much older than me and there were a lot of kids.  I first mentioned it to my mother when I was 22. Her answer was He probably doesn't remember it.  I was questioned continually over the years.  I confronted him at age 25 only to hear Tat he was sorry he hurt me but not for what he'd done.  Years later I found out he abused his daughters too.  I felt so guilty for not being strong enough at 10 to confront him.

Over the years I was constantly asked why I disliked my brother so much.  They didn't believe me, and only when my nieces told them did they start to believe. I finally confronted him years later and was very specific about how his behavior had affected all of us. About our fear, anger, behaviors, everything connected to it.  He too was sick at the time. 

He called me up to apologize because he wanted to go to heaven. I figured at this point, he and God could hash it out.  It was the beginning of my healing.  Now I am in counselling to continue to heal.  I still cannot talk or write bout specifics.  I still am not fully healed.  But for that I do not blame myself.  I still am trying to work through my adulthood and the things I did that were related to the things that happened between 8 and 14.

 

 

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Hi Dasi

I do find your first blog entry amusing. Like how you try to make "light" of certain things by using humor :).  I do admire your courage for giving your father another chance. I cant stand the thought of seeing my father again. Never mind communicate with him in any sort of way. Good luck with the rest of your healing process:GL::youcanheal:

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