Back to the depression
Entry posted by AllyHatter ·
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To whom it may concern,
I know I've been giving you guys happy entries these past few days and I am happy and yet my head won't let me be. My dad's still in the hospital. I haven't really spoken much about my dad. So here goes.
My dad....hes my hero. He has always been the light in my life that can brighten any day. He reminds me how amazing and strong I am and he doesn't even know what I'm going through. Even though he has never really understood me as a person, I'm still his daughter and he wants me to know how much he loves me every single day...even though I know things would be different if he knew.
My dad is probably one of the most religious, racist, homophobic, sexist, men I've ever met.
But he's also the man who has taken the shirt off his back and given it to a man on the street to keep him warm...
Now we don't have a lot of money but my dad has one out of his way to buy food from his own pocket for the homeless. Not a food bank. Actually bringing them to whatever restaurant they wanted to go to and giving them a meal they haven't had in a long time. He listens to their stories and he feels their pain. No matter who you are. He'll never be a bad person to your face....but behind closed doors....he speaks words of hatred towards many classes of people....certain ones belonging to me.
I am bi sexual...and I distinctly remember a day where my father said he wouldn't love me if I was a lesbian.
I am a woman, and I remember him saying that woman can't do everything a man can do and shouldn't get payed the same as them either.
I remember him throwing holly water on me when I was just having a mental break down.
I remember his eyes when he pinned me up against a wall...by my throat....because I wouldn't open my door.
Now let me reiterate that my dad is my best friend. We still have daddy daughter dates almost every Tuesday where we go to the movies and binge eat things we shouldn't while watching movies we know nothing about. He still calls me once a week to make sure I'm ok. He still comes to my work and leaves me ridiculous tips cause he wants me to be ok....
My dad is a super hero. He has been in a mining accident....yet he still gets up in the morning and used to swing us around...even with his back injuries....
He has lupus and diabetes and cancer and gout yet he still walks 10 km with my mom every morning because he knows that she will go to work and he won't get to see her all day....
He still laughs and smiles and loves and tries and he may be a little messed up but he's a good man. Despite the hardships he's been through in life he is still such....a good man.
But I can't tell him. I can't tell him I was raped because I know he's sexist and he will say something like....you should've known better....you shouldn't have disobeyed us.
I can't tell him I am dating this beautiful woman because he's already going through so much and smiling....I don't think he could smile through his baby girl going against one of his core beliefs.....
I can't....
He deserves better then me.
I'm sorry dad.
I was never the daughter you deserved...
But I loved you with every fiber of my being
He's in the hospital still. He was getting some tumors taken out with a high chance of remission....but they found more....I wanna tell him....I wanna tell him everything he's my whole world but...I don't wanna lose him..not when I might actually lose him...so soon.
I think I would rather he die....knowing I was still his little girl then thinking I had betrayed him in some way.
I don't know...
Sincerely yours,
Alice.
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