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About this blog

Hi, I'm Poppy! Welcome to my unedited life. 

Entries in this blog

Life

Traumaversary Season

Traumaversaries suck. Also, I’m pissed because I was already a whole page into this blog when my computer crashed and now I have to start all over. I don’t even remember everything I had written in the last one. Something about feeling the urge to write today and taking advantage of that because I’ve been so unmotivated and uninspired. That’s the cliff notes version of what was previously written here. I do remember what I talked about and I also remember that there was a disclaimer th
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3
Slam Poetry

The Moon and The Sun - a slam poem

I’ve been writing a lot because the voices in my head are getting louder and the only way to shut them up is to let the words flow from my fingertips onto this paper that likely no one will read. The darkness is coming back. Damn... it’s heavy. I’ve been riding this high for a while and I think I’m coming down because I suddenly feel like the earth has given way beneath my feet and I’m slipping into something I don’t quite recognize. I’ve been down the dark, lonely dirt roads before. T
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Poppy_ in Slam Poetry

3
Life

The Letter I Never Wanted to Write

To my rapist, I feel like there are pieces of me scattered all over the city. Because of you. There’s a piece at the bar where you found me. The bar where you pushed drinks on me and got me so inebriated that I couldn’t walk. The bar where you told me not to sober up. The bar where I think you drugged me. The bar where you first started exercising your control over me. The bar I can’t go to anymore because the smell reminds me of what you did to me. There’s a piece of me in y
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0
Slam Poetry

The Destruction that is Me - a slam poem

I’ve done it again. I hate that my brain likes to play games with me as if I were a child desperate for a game of Hide and Seek. The way my mind melts with my emotions the way a lit candle rids itself of wax that runs everywhere creating a mess contained only by the surface the candle is placed on. Sometimes my brain tells me things and I believe it because I have always been so naïve that even the whisper of ‘I love you’ is enough to take over my body and give the power to someone undeserv
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4

The Closet

This post contains graphic details of sexual assault. Please take caution reading ahead.    Well, happy Tuesday, everyone! I’ve gotten over the idea of posting once a week and always posting on the same day. While in theory that was a good idea, my life demands my attention to other things and sometimes I need to write about the stuff that I just can’t get out of my head. Today is one of those days. My mind is swimming in thoughts and ideas and memories and until I get them out on
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Second Times a Charm

I've done this blogging thing before. Actually, I suppose I should say, I've "attempted" this blogging thing before. That was a very short lived experience. I expected to be one of those bloggers with the really cool life and fun stories to follow, but I really set the tone of that blog with my first (and only) post, and it was a big, fat, FAIL. I was taking myself WAY too seriously. To be fair, my life really isn't all that exciting and I'm not too adventurous.. so maybe I'm setting my exp
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Slam Poetry

RED - a slam poem

***The following post has a trigger warning for self harm. Though based on factual events, I am currently 75 days clean from self harm. Please take caution when reading this as it is very graphic and detailed.***   One cut.  It's not that deep. The sting is there, the blood trickles, the metal gleams in the light. I think to myself, 'what have I done?', but it's too late to go back now. I press on.  The second cut is a bit deeper.  There's more blood this time. It bubble
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Puzzle Pieces

This post contains very graphic references to sexual abuse. I ask that you would not read ahead if you are not in the mind to do so. Please proceed with caution.    I know what you’re thinking. ‘Poppy, this isn’t a Friday! Speaking of Friday, where the heck were you this week?’ My apologies to everyone that keeps up with my blog entries weekly or those of you that were looking forward to a post from me. I was taking a small break from AS after some events that transpired an
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Journal Excerpts

Painful New Memory

TRIGGER WARNING FOR GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF SA. PLEASE BE CAUTIOUS IF READING AHEAD.   EMDR is rough. At my last T session, K and I processed some SA trauma that took place when I was about 6-7 years old. Some of it, I was prepared for. I knew he tried to have sex with me in a closet. Some of you may even know that. If You want the story on that one, I have a blog titled “The Closet” where I delve into what I remembered from that event. I don’t remember all of the details… I don’t t
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Poppy_ in Journal Excerpts

4
Life

One Wild Ride

Good news – I’m back! Last time I really blogged, I was about to embark on a new journey as I would be attending a trauma retreat. I did promise daily diary entries to post after I finished but the truth is, I was so exhausted from all the work I was doing that I had no energy to write when I got home at the end of each day. I will, however, go over some of the highlights and give a brief description of how each day went. The retreat was a total of five days long. On the first day, we
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2
Slam Poetry

OBSESSED - a slam poem

I find myself obsessed with a lot of things. With blood, with hurt, with the thin lines of pain streaming across my body. But with you? No. I am not obsessed.  Even though I can't breathe when you're not around and the sun doesn't shine as bright when you're gone. The birds don't sing and my heart feels heavy in your absence. Music doesn't make sense and words don't rhyme, the sky isn't blue and my heart isn't mine when you're not here. Obsessed? No. I am not obsessed.  My brain thinks
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Life

No Title

This has got to be the hundredth time I’ve started this blog. I just don’t know what to say. I want to write, but I don’t know what to say. It feels like nothing is happening while at the same time, everything is happening. I’m in distress. I’m crying a lot – and I mean a LOT. I’m angry. I’m hurt. But I don’t know how to put any of this on paper and get it out of my head. Everything is wrong. Everything feels so insignificant. I can’t even write because it doesn’t feel safe. Therapy do
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2

My Tiny Bowl of Fruit

Ah, at last, another Friday is upon us. I have been anxiously waiting to write this blog, not because I have some grand plan, but just for the simple fact that I have missed writing and sharing with you all. These blog posts may become more frequent than just once per week! The second day will most likely be as much of a surprise to you as it will be to me. I know you’re wondering about today’s topic – I, too, am wondering. I am anticipating this to be more of a word vomit session than
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0

Mostly an Apology

I owe you an update. My last blog was… interesting to say the least. It wasn’t my best work and I’m sure it wasn’t a very good read either. I will say that it did help me to write all of that out and process it a little easier. Breaking things down like that gives me a chance to analyze and really think things out – and that’s what I did. Now, it’s been almost 3 weeks since my last blog. Yikes. I started another blog a little over a week ago and I never finished it. I was lacking motivation
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Misconceptions of a Wandering Mind

This post has some references to suicidal thoughts. Please don't read ahead if you're feeling sensitive.  Yikes! Is it already Friday?? This day really snuck up on me this week so this blog, while still being thoughtful and sincere, will be a bit of me just shooting from the hip. I guess it will just be about whatever it is on my mind today. I would like to be able to tell you a funny story seeing as my last two blogs have been SERIOUS downers, but I don’t have any funny stories r
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Life

Just Some Fluff!

Hi, everyone. How’s it going? How are you? I miss you guys! Comment below and tell me how you’re doing 😊 I don’t have much to say today, but I wanted to share a few things with you! Snowmageddon in Oklahoma has given me a lot of time to myself to just THINK. Honestly, things have been going pretty well lately. I’ve hit a few bumps in the road as one does, but overall, I can’t really complain. Snowmageddon killed my car which sucked. I was without a car for about 5 days because the
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2

It's Her Party, but I'll Cry if I Want To

"Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear MOTHER, Happy Birthday to you."  Ah, it's mother's birth-month again. August, for me, has this kind of... 'haze' around it. It's a full month of my dad saying, "your mom's birthday is coming up," or "your mom just had a birthday," or on the day of, "it's your mom's birthday, she shouldn't have to do this."  I GET IT.  She's the queen of the universe and the world falls down at her feet. She can do no wrong and dese
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8

Insurance, Meds, & Red Tally Marks

Hey, everyone. It’s been a while. Well, longer for you than it has been for me. I wrote a blog a few weeks ago and never posted it. I guess I was ashamed of the content in that blog. I thought it was something I wanted to talk about but, I was wrong. Having one of my closest friends tell me how wrong I was…that didn’t help. So, I didn’t post it, but I DID write it. For me, I had just released all my pent-up energy and I haven’t had much else to write about. Not until now, anyway. Thing
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2

I'm Not Sharing My Pizza

This post has some strong references to ED behaviors. Please don't read ahead if you are not in the mind to do to. Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock. I stared at this blank page for HOURS last night trying to decide how to start this blog and honestly debating on if I even wanted to post it. Time was fleeting, and I was struggling. It seemed as though all of my efforts to try to collect my thoughts were in vain because simply put – this is hard to write about. I tried to find anothe
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Life

I'm a Construction Worker

I can pinpoint where this all started. I know when I became a construction worker and started on my first project of building a sky-high wall around my heart. I know when I decided that it was easier to just “be okay” than to try to get help or talk to someone. In some ways, I was right. If you asked me how I’ve been doing the last few weeks, I would tell you that I’ve been great. Life has been fun and exciting, and I don’t cry anymore, and I don’t feel like I need anyone. For the first tim
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0
Life

I Wrote A Letter

I wrote a letter to my mother and I want to share it here. I don't think I'll ever send this to her, but my T suggested that I write it to express how I'm feeling about everything that's been going on lately. So, I decided to post it. Maybe it will encourage someone to write their own.    To My Mother,                   I’m writing to you because I just really don’t understand some things. I have questions and I need answers. I don’t know if you will be able to provide me wit
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0

I Just Really Don't Understand

I know, I know. I’ve been completely absent for entirely too long and for that, I do sincerely apologize. Aside from the fact that this weekend was insanely busy, I just haven’t had much to report. Nothing aside from the normal every day stuff that happens. But alas, here I am, which means I have an update. Well, sort of. I have a few things on my mind that I think I want to write about just so I can do some decluttering up there and breathe a little easier. I’ll start off with some go
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2

I Hugged Him

Well, folks, I think I’m making progress! In some areas, it seems things are really regressing and I feel like a failure. In other areas, I can feel healing happening and trust blooming and progress being made. I took a HUGE step with The New Guy this weekend. I mean – huge. It may seem insignificant to some of you, but for me this was a really big deal. I was going to keep this private, but I’ve decided that I want to share. I haven’t updated you all since I posted my story and it’s long o
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Life

I Got Help

It’s been a long time and I am so excited to be writing again! Not only have I missed you all, but I have missed the therapy that comes with writing and releasing everything. So much has happened since I last wrote a blog entry, and I am going to start sharing some of that! Most recently, I just finished a two-month long outpatient mental health program and it was life changing. I’m wishing I would’ve kept my blog going during this process so I could talk about what happened each week
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5
Life

Here's to a New Year and a Life Update!

Hey, guys! It’s story time with yours truly. I haven’t posted a blog in a while, but I have something to share with you all. I did make a post about some of this, but I’m going to delve into the details here! The last blog I wrote was right after I finished the outpatient programs I was attending, and I discharged from that at the end of October. It’s now the end of the year and I’m going to update you on the rest of the year and do my year-end recap! I guess I’m just going to jum
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