Ah, at last, another Friday is upon us.
I have been anxiously waiting to write this blog, not because I have some grand plan, but just for the simple fact that I have missed writing and sharing with you all. These blog posts may become more frequent than just once per week! The second day will most likely be as much of a surprise to you as it will be to me.
I know you’re wondering about today’s topic – I, too, am wondering. I am anticipating this to be more of a word vomit session than anything else. I’m just going to throw out some bits and pieces of what my week has looked like. It seems there’s been quite a bit going on this week that I could stand to reflect on, so that reflecting shall happen now at the mercy of your eyes and ears.
Sunday, I started a new diet and exercise plan (yes, I’m rolling my eyes too). This is a more intensive, strict, diet plan but it DOES come with a cheat day which I am looking forward to way more than I would like to admit. The workouts are already killing me and as I type this, I can barely hold my arms up above the keyboard. My limbs are deceased. I WILL say that this week at work has been the absolute WORST for anyone trying to diet! I will go through the events of each day so you can feel sympathetic toward me and applaud my ability to stick my plan! I’m only half kidding – I’ll let you guess which half was the joke.
On Monday, we had a client come in and bring cookies for everyone. That hardly ever happens, but of course it happened when I’m trying to diet! I also brought some leftover cupcakes I had baked the day before, in an effort to get rid of them, but that was to no avail. I still had so many left and I COULDN’T EAT THEM. It didn’t help that I knew how delicious they were because I made them. I ended up taking all my extras to my piano teacher that day so I could get rid of them. She was happy to accept them, so it worked out! Someone else ALSO brought cupcakes that day. Furthermore, they were red velvet cupcakes – my favorite! Saying ‘no’ to all of that was like trying to put your pants on two legs at a time – nearly impossible. I will admit that I lied to a co-worker that day. She asked if I had eaten a red velvet cupcake because she desperately wanted me to try them and I told her yes. This would’ve been the second time for her to bring them and me not try them! I couldn’t break her heart. Don’t tell her though, that secret stays between us.
On Tuesday this week, there was a meeting upstairs where they had barbecue catered for lunch. Let’s first have a moment of silence for me having dealt with the smell of delicious hot links and chopped brisket and not devouring it. Being that I work at the branch where this happened, we got the leftovers! I just smelled everyone else’s barbecue while I sat in the corner and ate my tiny bowl of fruit. That fruit didn’t even touch the craving I had for the tangy barbecue sauce and warm bread. However, I politely declined and stuck to my guns.
Wednesday was my Manager’s birthday. There was no cake, but that was mostly due to the fact that none of us knew it was his birthday until the night before. That sounds kind of shallow, but he’s new and just started a few weeks ago. He also JUST got back from a week-long vacation. How were we supposed to remember his birthday? I barely remember his name! So, there was no cake but because there always has to be a superhero, my colleague saved the day and stopped for cookies and cinnamon rolls before work. Cookies and cinnamon rolls that are STILL sitting here taunting me! But alas, I still said no. I could see the chocolate chips crying out to me but I had to close my eyes and again, eat a tiny bowl of fruit. Let me point out here that I have been craving chocolate chip cookies for, like, two weeks. As soon as I start dieting, they bring in the cookies! Are you kidding me!?
Yesterday, one of my colleagues decided she wanted popcorn. POPCORN. I don’t even LIKE popcorn (except for kettle corn… I do enjoy that), but it smelled SO GOOD. Not only did she let its buttery aroma envelop me in warm food cravings, but she even offered some to me. Do you want to take a guess at what kind of popcorn this was? That’s right. Kettle corn. The only kind of popcorn I like. I HAD TO SAY NO. I just grabbed her bag and took a nice, big, whiff and called it good. Back to my tiny bowl of fruit I went.
It’s now Friday and aside from the leftover cookies and cinnamon rolls sitting next to me, there hasn’t been anything obscene to taunt me today. Let’s hope this continues!
That’s all for my dieting woes, but I will keep you posted! The next part is quite a bit less lighthearted, but it’s still something I want to reflect on. I’m hoping this reflection will be helpful and not harmful.
On Tuesday this week I got into a…. ‘discussion’ with one of my good friends. I say ‘discussion’ because it wasn’t really an ‘argument,’ but it wasn’t a pleasant conversation either. I’m not even entirely sure how the conversation started, but I know most of this was my fault. I’m just hoping I haven’t put a permanent stain on our friendship. I wasn’t originally going to go into details of the conversation, but I think for reflective purposes, it might be necessary to at least go into SOME detail.
I think it actually started the night before. She did something that kind of upset me, but I acted as though I was ‘fine’ (which definitely means I’m NOT fine) instead of communicating my actual feelings. If you’ve been keeping up with my blogs, you know that I am not one to share how something makes me feel. I tend to try to change the subject when I sense that the other person doesn’t want to talk about something I’ve brought up, so that’s what I was trying to do. But, in not telling her how I felt, it just upset me more to change the subject and act like nothing was wrong. I then decided to ‘go to bed’ and just cried for the remainder of the night. I wanted her to show that she cared, but it’s a lot to expect of a person that doesn’t know you’re hurting. How was she supposed to know I was upset if I didn’t tell her? This negativity carried over into the next day and I think both of us could tell that something was off. I reached out to make sure she wasn’t upset about the previous night’s conversation, and she said she wasn’t, but she said she sensed something was going on and thought I would talk about it when I felt ready. In my mind, she just didn’t care, whereas in HER mind, she was just giving me space because she thought I was being closed off to her. She began talking about ‘walls’ that I had built up and said that she didn’t want to keep trying to get through them if I wasn’t going to let her in. That was fair of her to say. I wouldn’t want to try to break though someone else’s walls, knowing there was no way they would ever let me in, either. The rest of the conversation kind of spiraled and left me feeling like a worthless human being because, once again, I screwed up.
I just wish I could have a normal friendship or relationship that doesn’t end in flames because of my trust issues. You know what really sucks about this? I was so much more open right before meeting this person. I was a completely different person in terms of opening up and trusting people. She just happened to come into my life after I was really hurt and betrayed, and I wasn’t going to let it happen again.
I’ve had several people in my life hurt me. The last time it happened though, I was determined to protect myself because I didn’t want to feel that way again. I was convinced that it was safer for me to keep everything to myself because I couldn’t trust anyone. This became my way of thinking for nearly two years before I met the friend I am talking about now. Two years of me thinking that the only person I could trust was myself. The last person I trusted took all the information I gave her and shared it with the one person I PLEADED with her not to tell – my mother. If you read my previous blogs, you know my mother and I don’t have the best relationship. I couldn’t tell her anything that was going on in my life, and I really didn’t WANT her to know. I was totally blindsided by this betrayal. This ‘friend’ of mine had sworn up and down to me that I could trust her with my secrets, and I believed her. I believed her too quickly. I TRUSTED her too quickly. After she broke me like this, I decided it was the last time and no one was ever going to hurt me like that again. Now, I don’t trust people at all. Not with anything that matters. I trust no one, with the exception of my therapist, and the friend I’ve been telling you about today.
You see, these walls have been protecting me and keeping me safe. I was so broken the last time this happened. I cried for days, I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep. I was in so much pain. Not only was I hurt by the betrayal, but I was also grieving the loss of a really good friend. I missed her. I still do sometimes. She was someone I confided in and trusted for a long time and she was someone that I felt like genuinely cared about me.
I don’t know her exact reason for telling my mother everything. I never asked. Part of me (well, most of me) thinks it’s because she just got tired of me. Tired of listening to me complain and tired of hearing about my problems. Tired of helping me when I didn’t want to help myself. Her way out was telling my mother. I’m sure she thinks she did it to protect me or help me in some way, but if that were the case, her timing was way off.
I said all of that so you would understand more of why my walls are built up so high. This is just one example of why I worry about people leaving or growing tired of me and why I don’t feel I have the liberty to talk about my feelings with other people. I don’t want to be a person that other people dread talking to because I’m too emotional or I’m too negative or I have too many problems. So, when I start to feel like I’ve said too much or I feel like the other person has started to grow weary or just doesn’t seem interested in what I’ve said, I change the subject. I say I’m okay and move on. But when I do that, I still end up hurting and wishing I would’ve said something.
That is exactly what happened Monday night with my friend before I ‘went to bed.’ I said I was okay in an effort to move on to something else because I felt she wasn’t interested in talking about what I brought up, but she viewed that as me trying to shut her out and that was never my intention. I care so deeply for this person – I could never intentionally hurt her or push her away. I just want to be someone she enjoys spending time with.
I guess more than anything I’m just frustrated with myself for causing an issue that never needed to be an issue to begin with. I will wrap up this story by letting you know that after a long, heartfelt conversation, we resolved this issue and we are still good friends. I just worry that my time may be running out if I continue to act like this. I realize I’m talking in circles at this point, and I could go on, but I won’t. She knows I’m sorry and we are on good terms right now. I just need to be perfect from here on out.
I’m moving on now.
I suppose the rest of my week was mainly me dealing with the aftereffects of that wreckage along with adjusting back to my medication and trying to think of anything besides food. I could go into a long story about my hurdles with medication, but I think that’s a blog for another time. Let me know if anyone is interested in hearing about that!
In fact, let me know if there is ANYTHING you all would like to know about me. Who knows, maybe you’ll be featured in my next blog! You can also anonymously PM me if you’d like. I’m open to suggestions!
I intended to have this posted WAY earlier, but time got away from me and I ran out of time to edit before my evening duties called for me. Better late than never, I suppose.
I will keep you all posted on my dieting journey! No need to keep you posted about my friend – I know she isn’t going anywhere and neither am I.
In closing, thank you all for taking the time to read and being here with me. I appreciate you so much! I’m going to enjoy my tiny bowl of fruit now.