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Mostly an Apology

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Poppy_

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I owe you an update.

My last blog was… interesting to say the least. It wasn’t my best work and I’m sure it wasn’t a very good read either. I will say that it did help me to write all of that out and process it a little easier. Breaking things down like that gives me a chance to analyze and really think things out – and that’s what I did. Now, it’s been almost 3 weeks since my last blog. Yikes. I started another blog a little over a week ago and I never finished it. I was lacking motivation and it felt kind of forced. While I DID have some things to write about, I just wasn’t ready.

Now, I’m ready to talk.

I suppose that first, I owe an apology to The New Guy’s Wife. I feel like I painted a bad picture of her and that wasn’t really my intention. I was confused, lost, a little hurt. I guess I just didn’t really understand (I realize that was basically the title of that blog – guess it was true!) what was going on and I didn’t know what to think of it. Since that post, I have a different opinion. There’s been a shift.

First off, I’ve had some very good conversations with her recently. About a week ago, I was having a hard night and felt I was in danger of hurting myself. I was feeling very low, I was alone, and I knew I was set up for that slip into old habits that would ultimately end with me feeling worse and a huge mess to clean up. So, instead of letting myself drown in this chaos, I sent The New Guy’s Wife a text and asked if she was busy.  She called me immediately.

I was relieved. I spoke to her about how I was feeling and expressed my fear that I would harm myself if I went home alone in that moment. She talked things out with me and listened to me while I told her why I was upset. She offered advice and a warm validation of my feelings. It was needed, it was appreciated, and it was wonderful.

She stayed on the phone with me for 2 hours that night. She would’ve stayed longer if I didn’t have to hang up. We talked about all kinds of things, we laughed a lot, and she truly made me feel better. By the time we had to say goodbye, I was feeling more at peace and I was able to watch some TV and fall asleep. I was okay. I didn’t hurt myself because she was there, and she made herself available to me. She let me say what I needed to say, and then we redirected to something lighter and she got my mind off the bad stuff. I owe her an apology for my last blog. She’s amazing and I’m lucky to have her in my life.

All of that said, she still treats me differently in person, which is where the confusion stems from. When it’s just the two of us, or it’s a phone call, everything is fine. I don’t feel anything weird from her in those settings, but in person, it’s weird. To be honest, some of this can be chalked up my own social awkwardness – it may not even be her fault. I was talking to someone about this yesterday and they mentioned that maybe SHE has some awkwardness in social settings. This may seem pretty obvious, but I never thought of it. I guess I was just so focused on myself (ouch - that hurts to say out loud) that I didn’t think about the fact that maybe it was hard for her.

Now that I have this new outlook, it’s easier for me to think that her actions towards me in person maybe aren’t personal. Like I mentioned in the last blog, after I said something to her about us not talking in person, she came to me and TRIED to talk to me. It was just awkward because I was anxious and there’s no telling how she may have interpreted my behavior either.

It seems like there’s just been a lot of overthinking on my part and not enough logical thinking. Even if maybe this isn’t the true reason, this is a much easier truth for me to believe so this is what I’m sticking to. She’s great over the phone, she’s amazing one on one, and she’s good in session. That’s what I need to hold on to. Maybe if I want to talk to her so badly, I should go talk to HER. Maybe I’ll try that… maybe I won’t. I’m all about taking baby steps. The new realization is enough for me right now.

While on the subject of The New Guy’s Wife, I do have one other thing to discuss.

This is not a bad thing, it’s actually a good thing. Well, it’s something that was good for me. If you’ve kept up with my blogs for a while, you know who The New Guy’s Wife is and you know that she sits in on my sessions with him. This was something I requested before I even started seeing him for therapy. He actually brought it up, I just graciously accepted his offer.

Anyway, she typically doesn’t say much. Sometimes she chimes in if I won’t answer a question or she’ll laugh if I say something funny (which is all the time because I’m hilarious and I use humor to deflect questions that I don’t want to answer), but for the most part, she’s just kind of… there. Which is fine – I never said she had to speak. She’s there supporting me and that’s all I need. Her being there is enough.

BUT.

At my last session, she DID speak. The New Guy was talking about healing from my trauma and went into some specifics that I do not wish to share at this time, but after he was done, he asked my thoughts. He always asks what my thoughts are after he goes into something like that or if he’s explained something for a bit and I’m just absorbing his words. Typically, I don’t know how to answer that question. Of course, there are thoughts in my head, but getting them out is a different story. When he asks what I’m thinking, my mind just goes blank. No words. I have no idea what to say. This time was different.

I was able to formulate sentences and actually express my thoughts on this subject. I told him that I really liked what he said, and it made a lot of sense to me. He gave me something tangible instead of something abstract. He told me what had to happen in order for me to heal and it was something that I could actually DO instead of something that would require me to “let go” and move on. It made such a difference to me and for the first time in a really long time, I felt hopeful.

After I explained how I felt, The Wife chimed in. I was a bit shocked at first because she usually doesn’t speak, but once she had my attention, I was completely focused on every word she said. She reinforced what I said and also encouraged me that healing IS possible.

It was short, it was simple, and it was just for me. That was what I needed to hear.

It may seem insignificant to you, but her words meant the world to me. It was about more than just what she said. To me, it was about the fact that she said anything at all. There’s been this tiny voice in my head telling me that she was only there out of obligation and that she was annoyed that she had to be there. This small act made that voice stop. It made me feel like she did care and she wanted to be there. That’s what I needed.

So, the whole point of the beginning of this blog is to apologize to her. She didn’t deserve what I said in the last blog. Because these blogs are my real and true thoughts, I’m not going to take the other one down. I just want it to be known that I think I understand now. My heart is content.

In other news, my friends are leaving.

I’m heartbroken. More than that, I feel completely lost and I’m fearing the impending bouts of loneliness and isolation. Loneliness is not new to me, it’s something I have struggled with for most of my life. It seems that any time I start feeling okay and I feel surrounded by people I love, they get taken away. They leave. Then I’m left all alone to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and glue them back together.

I’ve been struggling – yes. I’m not saying my life has been perfect because I have friends because that’s not the case. It’s just that life is a little more bearable when you have people you can talk to and people you can count on.

So, I have these 2 friends. We’ll call them Friend A and Friend B because my creative juices aren’t flowing and I can’t come up with anything better right now. I have known Friend A since I was 12 and as much as I’ve tried to avoid sharing my age on here, for the sake of this post, I’ll tell you that I am now 22. I’ve known her for 10 years. We haven’t always been close friends though. We just became close friends within the past few years, but she is now one of my closest friends.

A few days ago, she informed me that she was moving out of state next month. I was crushed. I knew she was looking to move at some point, but I did not know it would be so soon. I held in my tears and decided there was no point in being upset right then – there was nothing I could do and she wasn’t saying goodbye. I put on my happy face and we went to lunch with Friend B.

Friend B I have known since I was 13. Again, she’s not someone I have always been close to, but we got closer over the past few years. She told me a couple of days ago that she may be getting a job in another town 2 hours away from me. After hearing about Friend A leaving, I wasn’t expecting this nor did I feel equipped to deal with another blow.

Suddenly, it felt as if my world was falling apart. Everything I thought I knew was changing and I was going to be left completely alone again. My thoughts spiraled and I was feeling sad, then I started feeling numb. I came to terms with what was happening and I came to terms with the loneliness that would soon be knocking on my door. This is what is going to happen, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

It just feels like there is a lot coming at me right now and I’m struggling with processing all of it. I feel like I’ve let so many people down, I keep doing things wrong or saying the wrong words, I feel inadequate and small. I feel like a failure. I feel like I just can’t do a single thing right and I just can’t catch a break. I feel unsure about so many things. My heart is broken and right now, I can’t see a way out of this.

I’m trying to counteract my negative thoughts. The New Guy has been working with me on changing the negative thoughts to positive ones and I was doing really good, but it suddenly feels like all of that is slipping away. I thought this medication was helping but I haven’t felt this low in a very long time.

This blog is getting very sad and that was not my intention when I started writing so I’m going to come to a close. To sum everything up, The New Guy’s Wife is great, I’m sad my friends are leaving, and I’m emotionally unstable.

If you read this far, thank you for sticking with me. I appreciate you more than you know. In honor of my 10th blog post, I’ve decided to post 10 things I’ve learned since blogging:

1.)    I actually enjoy writing.

2.)    I overthink A LOT.

3.)    Typos are inevitable.  

4.)    My words have meaning.

5.)    I am not my mistakes.

6.)    I can do more than I think I am capable of doing.

7.)    I have choices.

8.)    There are people that care about me.

9.)    My trauma does not define me.

10.)  I am valuable.

I want to thank everyone that has been on this journey with me so far. Writing here has been such a constant source of refuge for me and I appreciate the eyes that wander the pages where I’ve placed pieces of my heart. Hugs to every one of you.

I’m looking forward to writing again soon.

All my best,
Poppy

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