***********************FAIR WARNING***************THERE IS BRIEF DISCUSSION OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS***********************
This ongoing battle within myself is quite painful. I like to believe that I have a reasonable amount of intelligence. But this battle I am not winning. I am not okay most days but I am really not okay today, this week. It's like the battle of an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. Both trying to lay out their case on why I she be on there side. But they aren't an angel and a devil. They are the young girl and a young woman. Each of them are still putting out their points as to what i should believe and what I should do next.
The young woman is the logical me. She tells me all the things I should know and would tel another person in my position. She says that I am not to blame for the circumstances I found myself in then and now. That the truth of the matter is that I wasn't experienced enough to know how to react to the situation so I reacted based on that little experience. It wasn't right nor was it wrong. it just was. She insists that there is no right or wrong way to have reacted. Even if many people react the same there will never be a right or wrong way to react to someone causing harm to you and ensuring your safety and sanity. She believes and supports me. She knows the internal battle I fight on whether it was or wasn't (insert term here). She says that if I believe it then it must be so and whatever the next steps I want to take, she will be there holding my hand. She insists that I allow myself to feel whatever emotion I have at the time. That can be sadness or anger and she even understands the desire of wanting to take death over the pain I have. All of it was valid and allowable. What isnt allowable is actually giving up on myself or harming myself to avoid the feelings I have. She doesnt make me feel guilty or ashamed.
The young girl is my irrational side. I guess that is the best word. This child is a ball of emotions and impulse. She screams that I am to blame for not doing anything then and now. She says that I must have wanted these things because why else would I not say anything. She yells that I am a horrible person. She agrees with my mother. That only girls who want to do these things find themselves in these situations. This girl says all the names that I have called myself are true and I am not worth spending another day 'battling' over something I know to be true. She says there is no point ruining anyone's life over something I caused. She tells me if I cant deal with the shame and hurt I caused then I should just end my life.
I hear each of them. I understand each of their points. I believe each of them with conditions, if that makes any sense. Because of the ongoing battle with myself I am constantly replaying what I remember. I am constantly dissecting each scene. Trying to find a way to prove one of them wrong over the other. Trying to find an answer to the one question I cant escape and that is how do I move forward. At the end of the day, I find that I start to replay all the owuld have and should haves and could haves. If I had only done this. If I hadn't done this. If I hadnt gone here. If I didnt look a certain way. If I wasnt so shy. An endless cycle that further intensifies the hurt and pain. It prevents the mind from shutting down because there is no end. The what-ifs are infinite like the number of parallel universes. Every decision has a new outcome and new set of decisions and outcomes. The only thing being affected by all of this is me. My mental state. My ability to interact in the world.
I believe it when people say that these kind of internal battles have an affect on you physically. I am physically tired because I cannot sleep. i am physically sick because my blood pressure is probably through the roof from the stress. I I know that all of this is reeking havoc on my body but I cant seem to make the thoughts stop. Work is a mild distraction but not enough. So I continue these ramblings to hopefully release what I know is building up inside. This is the only option I have at the moment and I fear that this will not be enough as it hasnt been so far. What I need and want will not be fulfilled. And knowing that is another set of hurt and pain.