New to all of this

[YutoG]

Hi guys..... I'm new here... joined a little while ago but have been lurking to get the courage to post...

I'm 26, from the UK, like to play the guitar and write music. I was abused as a child, teenager and adult. Spent a long time burying it all and pretending it didnt happen, or that it was normal and everyone had stuff like that happen to them. Wasnt until about 2 years ago that I started to realise nothing about it was normal. I'd think about it occasionaly before then but not properly. Even convinced myself I had made it all up in my head a few times. 

Finally trying to think about it but its tough. More than that. It's impossible sometimes. Ive spent so long trying to put this wall up and make people think I'm this reallyt tough cool guy but inside I just feel like a bag of emotions. I'm scared to open that up but I know I can't keep everything inside for much longer. Honestly so much stuff has happened recently that i can't help but think its because of it. I keep doing different things but ending up in the same place which I know won't make any sense but... yeah. 

Anyway I started going to therapy recently... and my therapist keeps asking questions about did anything happen in my childhood. I like she knows something's up but I make sure to get her away fromt he topic. every time i think I can speak about it I wimp out. Like I'm literally just about to say it and it's like the words are literally just about to come out and then I shove them back down. I just cannot do it. I've never told anyone anything that's ever happened. I don't know how to.

God ive rambled sorry. 

 

[reglois]

    if ok

[MeBeMary]

Hi YutoG,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the traumas that you've endured in your life. Abuse is not normal, but that is because of the abusers. Your reactions, keeping them buried deep and side and not allowing people to see the real you, are unfortunately common among survivors. It's hard to talk about, I know. Take your time around the site...lurking is very ok. You can post and share what and when your are comfortable. There is no pressure. You are not a wimp for finding it difficult to talk about, and I suspect your T has some idea of what you are dealing with, and will probably work with you when you are ready. You've already taken a huge step today, admitting your abuse and reaching out to those of us that do understand. Be patient with yourself, as I am sure many more forward steps will come in your healing journey.

Mary

[Victoria Palmer]

What people have gone through on this site, is not fair. The most important thing to remember is you are not alone. 

The second thing is to remember to be gentle with yourself. Take your journey and healing process at your own pace. Don't rush, don't move to fast for anyone, this is about YOU. No one else. YOU are the one who has gone through this traumatic event. You need to love yourself through this journey. To be gentle you need to know that what you went through, is not your fault. It's these people who have abused us. They're not quite right in the head. 

The last thing to remember is that, you are not guilty for anything. You are not wrong. You have been hurt in a way you did not expect to be or deserve to be. 

Always remember to reach out if you want too. 

Hugs if okay 

[phoenixxx]

Welcome to AS, Yuto. I am so sorry that you had to go through so much in your life. Like Victoria said, it is not fair. I am glad that you have the support of your T, even if you have not been able to share with her yet. These things take time - don't rush yourself. The first time I told my T I just alluded to it. Sth happened, etc.... And told her I couldn't talk about it yet. We picked it up weeks later. There are still things that we haven't talked about yet. It's a  process. But it's helping. I am also glad that you found AS. This is a wonderful, supportive community, and I find that sharing here, or generally writing with people here, helps me also to open up in therapy, or to feel supported when therapy is not enough, or is very tough. Anyway I hope you find lots of support and comfort here. As the others have said, you are not alone.

[LookingforSunshine]

Welcome YutoG! I'm new to AS too. It is easy to build up those brick walls, but eventually they will crumble, maybe not today or a week from now or even a year from now, but you will get there. I hope you find that you can break that barrier with your T. The first time is always the hardest. You don't even need to be specific. You can open up a little at a time. If you are comfortable with this T, I hope you find the strength to start your healing process with them. I've been struggle for a long time and I am 50 yo. I only recently told my new T (this is my 3rd attempt at wellness) more than anything ever before. I hope you can feel that level of comfort with your T.

Here at AS, I have been browsing and reading different forums to find my way. Everyone is caring and understanding. They listen, they don't judge. Everyone has been through trauma and can sympathize with you. Just know you are not alone. I think at AS you will find the support you need to help you with your T.  Safe hugs if ok.

[YutoG]

Hey guys.... thank you all for the warm welcome. I really hope I can get a lot out of AS. I'm not so sure about opening up to my T.... but maybe one day. 

[Unikitty]

Welcome!

[Struggling88]

Hi, YutoG, and welcome!