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aliveinthed

In A Response To Being New Here.

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In a response to being new here. Sorry I am not very computer savvy and I am sorry anyone needs to be here but Hello as I collapse at my computer in anxiety and tears. I am a man 53 years old and my life was stolen from me from the time I was 8-9 until I was a young teenager. I have hid it and run from it for all of my life. Went to college got tossed out as an honor student, went in the Army and was fast tracked and earned a degree and commissioned in combat arms as the top rated officer in my unit until I crashed that down, married and raised two boys and now I have nothing to do and no where to run and I look me in the eyes and I am devastated inside. My whole life feels a fraud and surreal and it always comes back to a night as a child. I have no idea who I am. Everytime I watch a war scene I regret I could not go out like a hero and be out of the pain...I have sat and cried for whole days and my kids think it is over dead buddies and leave me alone....I started teaching womens self defense classes at the request of a community center and it opened up a piece in my soul and I am shattered inside and I don't know if the pieces can be put back together. I will sob now. thanks....sorry if I am in the wrong place

Edited by aliveinthed

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:aswelcomesu::youcanheal::notalone::bighug: if OK

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In a response to being new here. Sorry I am not very computer savvy and I am sorry anyone needs to be here but Hello as I collapse at my computer in anxiety and tears. I am a man 53 years old and my life was stolen from me from the time I was 8-9 until I was a young teenager. I have hid it and run from it for all of my life. Went to college got tossed out as an honor student, went in the Army and was fast tracked and earned a degree and commissioned in combat arms as the top rated officer in my unit until I crashed that down, married and raised two boys and now I have nothing to do and no where to run and I look me in the eyes and I am devastated inside. My whole life feels a fraud and surreal and it always comes back to a night as a child. I have no idea who I am. Everytime I watch a war scene I regret I could not go out like a hero and be out of the pain...I have sat and cried for whole days and my kids think it is over dead buddies and leave me alone....I started teaching womens self defense classes at the request of a community center and it opened up a piece in my soul and I am shattered inside and I don't know if the pieces can be put back together. I will sob now. thanks....sorry if I am in the wrong place

You're not a fraud - you're a survivor and a fighter. It took guts to keep going on like you have and it's okay to take some time now to address those old wounds.

You know, there are stories about combat vets who lost limbs and such who didn't scream out because if they had the enemy would have heard them and their bodies decided that it was best for their survival that they keep hidden until it was safe for them to react to those wounds. That's a survival mechanism at work. Of course, when safe to do so they had to have those grievous wounds taken care of!!!

Just a guess but maybe you're feeling safe enough now to look at that stuff. Don't be fooled though...it didn't destroy you then and it can't destroy you now.

It wasn't your fault and you are not to blame. I hope you find a good outlet here that is safe and compassionate to help you on your road to healing.

Activist Ally

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You are very welcome here, and I hope that being a part of this community will help you to eventually put down this heavy burden you've been carrying for so long. Take it gently, you deserve to heal and to be heard.

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Thank you all....I feel frightened unlike anything I have ever known, feeling real seems to involve a lot of sobbing which is not very dignified for an old guy like me aint I supposed to be the adult here, .....I feel like a frightened child inside but I am so tired of sabotaging my life and I always come back to this albatross, thanks again for the kindness

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Aliveinthed, welcome to AS. For many people it takes years or even decades before they can begin to find some healing. I am 50 and I joined only 3 years ago to begin my healing journey for something that happened when I was 5. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done to open up and face what had happened. There are many supportive people here that understand what you are going through. I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

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Welcome, I am close to 60 , dealing with what happened to me as a child. I am getting stronger, you are not alone here.

Patricia

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I hope you find yourself here, and maybe even patch up those pieces a little bit. I believe in you because you've already taken the first steps.

Welcome. <3

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Thank you all again for kind words and welcome. I have no idea of what to say but thanks.

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I am not sure what healing is, but for a moment the hole in my gut was at ease after coming here. It seems there are not very many males here and I feel out of place reading some of the experiences from a gender perspective but the emotional upheaval and damage seems to be universal. can someone point me in the right direction to continue on here. I know that I would like to come to a point where "that" was an event in my life and not the underlying propulsion of my daily activities, either running from or returning to "it".

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