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  1. AliciaRaven

    Where to start...

    Starting in the middle, with no sense of where I am going and little in the way of a coherent past... 2 years ago I started therapy at a rape crisis centre. 3 terrible counsellors and one breakdown later, I am now formally diagnosed with discociative identity disorder and I have found an expert psychotherapist to work with. Things are finally starting to heal, I think. This is going to be a long road. What I am going to write will probably sound crazy and unbelievable. I don't really mind if nobody ever reads it, or believes it, but I think it will help my own healing process to have somewhere to write freely. My parts/alters/insiders/whatever you want to call the - my T calls them parts, and I kind of like that - are starting to communicate. At the moment there are several dozen I know of, but I think there may be many more. One of the discoveries I made in the first few weeks of therapy, is that my parts all seem to be in different parts of my brain. On the left side are parts that have been hurt and experience a lot of fear and sadness (most are children), on the right are parts that are very angry and protect and at the back are silent parts I call the shadow people who know things. In the middle is a room with a heavy, locked door. Nobody is allowed out and nobody is allowed in, but we hear the ones who are inside screaming sometimes. The door is guarded by a part who is simply called "boy". Hiding within the system is another group, called the demons, who cause havoc and chaos and destruction. We are all supposed to follow "the rules". But only the shadow people really knows what the rules are, and they aren't telling. But if we break one, we get punished. We don't know why, and we can't make it stop. We are being punished at the moment because of the parts talking to our T. We are not allowed to tell. One of the demons is cutting. And when I woke up this morning I found the word help scratched into my leg. The problem is our T is so good and so knowledgable, that some parts are feeling very threatened and they want to push her away. They have jobs to do which they have always done, and they don't want their jobs taken away. They don't things to change. But other parts are feeling huge relief that we have found her, and are reaching out to her for help. So it's like my brain is in a state of civil war. Amidst all of this are the fragments of memory that I keep finding, as parts come forward and talk. Memories of being gang raped by men in masks, being sold for sex, being filmed and photographed, being tortured with bright white lights and electricity, of having demons put inside me and told there were eyes everywhere watching me. It's all so insane.
  2. There is no rush, just take it slowly. This is a really safe place, with lots of lovely and supportive people. But it can feel overwhelming at first.
  3. I'm having coffee with my best friend. Despite the fact I had to practically force my mother to babysit. I DESERVE a break.
  4. All I wanted was love Sometimes I really hate you Sometimes I still love you Why was I so bad? What did you hurt me? I had nobody but you And you were a monster I had to save myself I split into many parts That is because of you I cut up my arms That is because of you I tried to kill myself That is because of you I hate calling you mum
  5. Today I took my first Kung Fu class. I'm exhausted but I loved it!!!
  6. I bought a National Trust membership for me and my kids. It's a UK thing. As members we can visi a whole load of castles and stately homes and parks for free, for a whole year!
  7. You are very welcome here, and I hope that being a part of this community will help you to eventually put down this heavy burden you've been carrying for so long. Take it gently, you deserve to heal and to be heard.
  8. Thank you NorskyCoutney, janepp and angelic, for making me feel welcome here
  9. Thank you notgivingup and reglois :)
  10. You blew my world apart You stole my childhood innocence What where you thinking? Why?
  11. Took a much needed day off work and relaxed a bit.
  12. Thank you fallenstar, for replying to my post. I was a bit scared nobody would reply. I never thought to ask my counsellor if I could call her. She texted me a few weeks ago, after I had a difficult session, to say I had done really well. But I wasn't sure if it was ok to reply or not. Maybe I will ask her.
  13. I'm glad to have found this place. It's been hard, carrying it all. I tried to deal with it in the past but I could never really face it, so I found ways to live with it until now. My daughter just had her 6th birthday. She is the same age as I was when I was first abused. I think that is why it is different now. It's all at the front of my mind and I feel like I have to talk about it. I'm ready now, and it feels like I've opened the floodgates and it is all rushing up and sometimes its so overwhelming. I started counselling at a rape crisis centre. Its so helpful, but the time between appointments can be really hard. Seeing my daughter at the age I was makes me realise it was not my fault. I have been blaming myself all these years. I thought I was a horrible person,evil, rotten to the core. But I was just a little girl. This hurts. I have been punishing myself for so many years. Hurting myself in so many ways. But now I have made a commitment to myself that I will not hurt myself anymore. Stopping what has been almost a lifetime of self abuse is so so so hard. But I feel determined. I keep imagining how wonderful it would be to feel at peace with myself and with my past, to feel whole and healed, and not broken. I deserve to feel that because I know now that it was not my fault. Anyway, thank you for letting me be here. Alicia
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