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Blog Comments posted by S.A.I.

  1. Quote

                This is one of the most common questions we see posed at Pandora’s Aquarium and in other survivor communities. It should really come as no surprise that survivors blame themselves; it seems that society only takes rape seriously when the victim was violently overtaken by a stranger jumping out of the bushes. For most of us, our rapists were wolves in sheep’s clothing. They were our dates, our friends, our teachers, our cousins or fathers or mothers or husbands.

    In the United States, only 40% of survivors report the crime. Of those, "a mere 7 percent go to trial, and only 1 percent of accused rapists are convicted."* When the courts aren’t placing responsibility where it belongs, it becomes even harder for society to see us as victims whose actions played no role in what happened. And, therefore, it becomes even harder for us as survivors to realize that we are not to blame.

    Did my choice lead to my rape?

    We make hundreds of choices each day. Some are clearly good (wearing our seatbelt) and some are more neutral (eating potato chips for lunch instead of an apple). But some choices we make end up being bad only because of an intervening factor. For instance, one day last summer I parked outside instead of in a covered garage, on a day that happened to bring a huge hailstorm, and my car sustained $2,000 in damages. "How stupid," I thought. "If only I had parked in the garage." What a bad choice I made!

    But how was I to know that we'd get the worst hailstorm of the decade?

    For rape survivors, we often think, "Why did I get in the car with him?" "Why did I go to that party?" "Why did I get drunk?" This is risky business, this second-guessing of our actions. We can second-guess all day long, but the bottom line is that we would not have been raped had our rapist chosen to be respect us and our autonomy, to not commit a crime, to be a decent human being. The buck stops there.

    While not all choices are "good" we have the right to make neutral or bad choices without anticipating someone else will take advantage of us and rape us. We have the right to have a drink or go on a walk through a park. Drinking unsafely and walking alone at night likely do make a person more vulnerable. I think most survivors would agree with that. But no one has the right to rape us, ever, no matter what we say or do.

    A common victim-blaming argument

    Let's say you throw caution to the wind and cross a busy intersection without looking both ways. If you did this, you would expect to be hit by a car, right? You would be responsible for your choice to cross the street unsafely, and responsible for being hit by a car. So why are you responsible for your actions and the result in this case, while a survivor of rape is not responsible for being raped if he or she drinks, or walks alone, or trusts a neighbor?

    I often see this argument for assigning personal responsibility to survivors instead of placing it solely on the rapist. At first thought the analogy makes sense and persuades many people. But if you look at the analogy critically, the fallacy becomes clear.

    In the busy street analogy, the victim solely is putting herself at risk of an accident. No matter how hard the driver tries, he will not be able to avoid hitting her. He cannot slam on the brakes hard or fast enough to prevent the accident.

    On the contrary, no rapist rapes by accident. He or she makes a choice. He or she is not just another victim. The rapist, as opposed to the car driver, has plenty of time to make a choice. Unfortunately, the rapist makes the wrong choice and we suffer for years because of it.

    Re-writing your internal script

    "I was drunk…"
    "I walked alone in the dark…"
    “I wore that mini-skirt…”
    "Why did I go upstairs with him?"
    "I opened the door for him…"
    "I stayed when I should have left…"

    Strike these thoughts from your mind. You had the right to drink. You had the right to go on a walk. You had the right to dress however you wanted. You had the right to trust him. You had the right to make your own choices, and you are responsible for them. But no one has the right to perpetrate abuse against another. No one had the right to rape you.

    Were there choices you could have made that would have protected you? Of course. You could have spent your life learning self-defense. You could have stayed in bed all day. You could have not moved to that city in the first place. You could never walk by yourself. You can spend an eternity making a list of the choices that would have saved you from being raped.


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    Flashbacks - They come stronger if you resist and it´s as strong when you submit. Similar experience as it was in the actual situation. What can you do do? It´s a very difficult question I think cuz everybody maybe experiences theese flashback in a different way. I don´t know a generally solution. Even when I have falshbacks it is very sheldom, I get myself clamed down until the flashback is over it´s self. My struggle with theese things is the reason why it is very difficult for me to tell Alice something to stop falling. When theese flashes come I can´t even stop my own fall through to much rabbit holes very often. I tried grounding techniques and theese things. They are not bad but in my experience it was much to late when I felt the flash coming. Mostly the memories make me think and think and think and... are they true? Are they wrong? Are they mixed - half true and half wrong? St. Dymphna, St. Maria Goretti, St. Agnes, St. Philomena, St. Mater Maria Immaculata, orate pro nobis! Pray for us and all survivors for healing. Amen

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    During an sexual assault or a rape some victims may experience like changing into another personality. This maybe is a kind of dissociation. It can go together with tonic immobilty, a feeling of suffocation and a strange feeling of “resignated serenity”. Theese are experiences victims of rape and sexual assault maybe have before the prepetrator finally breaks the last border and violates the personality core of her/his vicitim.


    Suggestions for recovery to STOP ALICE FALLING:

    This feeling of being another person can be very confusing. Expecially during the time of aftermath, there can be questions like:

    Why did I “slip” into the other personality and why just into the personality of the person I “slipped” into? -  This question might be even more confusing if you “jumped”, that means you did not only “slipped” into one other personality but into two or more several personalities. This might be even harder if the personality/personalities you “slip” into are good friends or relative for  example, your best friend, your mother, your sister, a teacher and so on. Maybe you might feel guilty because you put  theese persons in context with sexual violence and the situation you had to experience. Maybe you feel guilty too because the “resignated serenty” I talked about, felt like a strange kind of “selfesteem”. Maybe you feel guilty for “feeling raped” even if it for example was “only” an assault in a juridical way and no rape or complete rape, because there was no penetration, and others blame you for overreacting or similar stuff like that.

    Keep on reading - !!!You ARE NOT GUILTY FOR NOTHING!!!

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    Damaged in Selfesteem and personality?Damaged in Selfesteem and personality?

    Many victims of sexual violence, might suffer with a damaged selfesteem and a hurt personality for a long long time. Reasons may be the humilitation during the rape/abuse/assault as much as several forms of victim blaming, that happen again and again.

    Suggestions to STOP ALICE FALLING:

    Try to become sure that everything that happened is over. And what ever happened and what ever anyone said: NO ONE HAD THE RIGHT TO DO THAT TO YOU!! You have a right to live your life. To live it sucessful and happy!

  5. Hi @Ash9 ,

    3 hours ago, Ash9 said:

    I'm afraid that mine won't be "serious enough" for the people I tell too understand that it has torn me from my life.

    I understand what you mean. But if I am allowed to encourage you, I think:



    Wish you much strengh,

    Ausi :)

  6. @Iheartcupcakes Hm. Must be terrible to know the truth and seeing the liars comming away, and despite of that being again and again a danger. I belive you. Such an injustice is not easy to take. :( My problem was that some people did not belive the my story and how it could happen to me. But it could happen, it did happen. During it happened I did not want to belive it myself but have too and I know what happened and what it felt like. :( Ok it was in my youth not today. But it´s still hurting and ashaming. :blush:


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