I totally understand what you are saying. I'm glad that you shared this with us. AS is amazing in that there are so many people - someone is bound to understand.
I used to be like this all of the time. I still am sometimes, but much less often. I wanted to feel less alone. I wanted to know that I was 'normal', despite these very abnormal experiences. I wanted to grab any random stranger on the street and tell them all of it - the truth that I'd been hiding.
The memories, thoughts, and emotions run so strong and deep. Imagine a beach ball that you are holding underwater. It takes a lot of energy to keep that ball held down. But it will eventually resurface. This is just your way of expending the energy of holding it down. It may also be your way of trying to resist the denial of what happened.
I tried many ways of dealing with this - healthy and unhealthy ways. Finally I decided that I needed to go to a therapist and talk through things. It has been the best decision. Difficult but worth it. I couldn't hold down the ball anymore, I had been down the unhealthy paths and wasn't willing to go there again.
Just my two-cents, for what it's worth. Welcome to AS.
safe hugs, if ok.