when i was 12 yrs old and told someone i was being raped everyday, it was not believed because i was a good student and a good kid. when i was 14 and asking for help with drug addiction and alcoholism, i was not believed because i was too smart and had so many things going for me. i am 43 now and asking for help with depression and gambling addiction and not taken seriously because i go to work, help other people, haven't lost my home or my husband and seem to function as normally as everyone else. what people dont seem to realize is i find myself doing the most drastic things. this morning i had a hand full of pills ready to just end it all. ive been up to the flood waters thinking about just stepping into the current. i gamble for hours every day to make the world go away. i punish myself with unwanted sex, intentional sleep deprivation and cutting.
i have lost what little joy i had in life. i no longer smile when the birds sing in the morning and i dont look forward to hugs from friends. i see myself as some hideous culmination of the things that are wrong with me and i need to put that beast away for good. my life is no longer under control. i am at the whim of my husband and mother. im not sure i have anything left to save in this life and yet i keep asking for someone to help.
Last night my husband and i finally talked after a fight we had a week ago. he said he would start taking some responsibility around our lives and take over some of the work that i do. he is a good man and tries but sometimes falls into old habits like he has done lately. its nothing horrible, just drinking and playing video games and ignoring everything else in the world. he deals with depression and stress and shuts down sometimes and that is what he does when it happens. maybe, just maybe, he will pull out of it and step up for things. he is younger than i am and not so used to responsibilities but i think he can do it and will be better for it.
i have such contempt for the woman that gave birth to me. she gave up custody when i was three but still had visitations and seldom used them until i was older. when she did take me for a weekend, she gave me to men, gave me alcohol and drugs and left me to fend for myself. she laid in the same bed i was being raped in and never did anything. just pretended nothing was happening. i was given back to her when i was 15 and sold to the highest bidder every weekend and summer. a few years later she became disabled and dependent on me and i have had her every since. though i take care of her basic needs despite her motherly love, she still set me up as an adult to be raped again. i was 40 yrs old and raped in my own home by a man with a long history of it and she is the one who invited him. it takes so much self control to cook and clean for this woman and help her with bathing and self care and deal with her being hateful without just walking away. she is a worthless mother, lousy friend and pathetic human being but she seems to be doing ok with life. why is that?
I just want out of this life but there are a few people i dont want to outlive me.