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  1. its not even a struggle anymore. i dont bother with how i feel, i just do. im tired. life is good for the most part. loving husband. easy job. home is paid for and i am surrounded by so many animals that make me smile every time i interact with them. these feelings must be chemical or something. i just have flashes of moments when i hear, whats the point? the torments in my head are completely different than the life i live. i feel the need to just dig in there and carve all that stuff out of my head. ugh.
  2. lcacejk

    First Time

    You do not deserve less consideration, understanding and caring because your situation may APPEAR to you as not as bad. You suffered and are struggling and that is all that matters. Any offense against your person and your trust is still abuse and traumatic. You deserve compassion because you are a survivor.
  3. lcacejk

    First Time

    I commend you on your willingness to search for healing. Being and advocate often puts us in positions of experiencing that trauma again and again. A healthy support system and skills base will benefit you and those your serve. Wishing you peace and comfort.
  4. As survivors, we go through so many emotions that are dynamic and ever changing and everyone is unique in it. Have you considered seeking support through a sexual assault support system? they often can help you find local resources to help you work though the often overwhelming feelings the come along days, weeks, months, even years after something has happened. Being consumed and isolated with those feelings can lead to depression. I'm glad you have something to keep you going. I know my dog has saved my life in so many ways. I hope yours is like that for you. Don't give up and keep talking
  5. I'm sorry you are dealing with the 'loss' of a parent. I also applaud your commitment to disallowing him to continue a pattern. it is difficult to come to terms with different love-hate feelings that come from being violated by someone who is suppose to be your champion and we all have individual results from it. I hope that you find peace with where your your heart and mind lead you. You sound like you have a good start.
  6. A month since the heart attack and I am just now starting to think about getting back into life. It was so difficult trying to decide to fight through this and change my life and not just give up and finally get to rest and leave all the pain and darkness I have been dealing with in my head. I came back to work today. Tired but going to try to see what I am still capable of doing. I think that my mindset has changed so much just in the past hour of being here. I have peace in my head and feel like I do have something to contribute even though I do not think I can be the warrior I used to be.
  7. lcacejk

    What To Do?

    I am married, almost three years now, and a survivor of incest for too many years to count and admit. I struggle often because my husband is not able to support me emotionally at all. He is just incapable. He does love me and I love him but we do have struggles. I have found that no one can make the decisions of our relationship for us, except us, but I have found that I never want to make a decision when I am feeling that emotional 'neglect' that I feel sometimes. I have learned, just for myself, that my best decisions come from being level, rested and able to weigh my options. It is hard be
  8. we talked about how we love each other and how we hurt each other. he has no idea how i really feel about what is going on and i cant tell him. i do tell him but i guess i cant get it through to him there is a problem. no one seems to see what is going on inside of me. i wonder if it is all real or not. i struggle with the thoughts and the feelings each and every hour of the day and i fight sleep while i yearn for it. is it depression or fear? maybe neither or both. i wake up looking forward to so much and wishing it would all end. i want to be loved but dont want anyone close to me. i am stru
  9. my husband's laughter has changed or maybe its just me. i dont know but i hear that laughter and i am flushed back to being buried in that basement or being passed around. im so sick at my stomach and so angry i feel like i could rip the flesh from my own body. the husband is good hearted. i tell myself when he forces things to happen that i dont want its not his fault, its just my issues. normal people should enjoy that stuff and i want to be normal. i tell him it makes me want to vomit and his response was he was ok with that. wtf?!?!?!?! i feel like i married my rapist.
  10. I've started standing my ground a little and speaking my mind just enough for someone to understand that things aren't quite right with me. I still haven't figured out how to set boundaries with my husband in a way that he does not get angry or hurt. Because I work with victims of sexual assault and domestic violence, I sometimes have days that are very difficult for me and make it emotionally painful to be close to someone or intimate with my husband. My last assault was just before we were married two years ago so things are just difficult without the job doing it too. I have had a lifetime
  11. lcacejk

    From: Who Abused You

    Happy Belated Birthday!
  12. sometimes i feel like there are several people inside of me trying to constantly talk to me and change my mind back and forth about things i want, feel or need. there is a part of me that is a survivor and will keep going no matter what. there is another part of me that wants to end everything. another part of me feels like there are no issues and we just need to have a little fun. i hear the thoughts of each and every one all the time and im exhausted by never being alone again. i am none of those thoughts and yet i guess they are all mine. i think im losing it.
  13. I dont understand the need for sex. i dont have it but my husband does and sometimes it becomes an issue. i do love him and i want to make him happy but sometimes the only way to do that is to do what i dont want to do. i fake it and do everything i can to get it over with quickly. sometimes i cant even hold back the tears but he either hasnt ever noticed or chooses not to mention it. i cant understand the frustration he seems to have when he doesnt get it and he cant understand my lack of need for it. sometimes, like now, i feel like i have no way out and i am back in that dark dirt and stone
  14. The weather is strange and the world is turned on its ear right now. anger and aggressiveness are some of the few things left that trigger a division in me. parts of me run and hide under the covers while another part stands up to defend. most of the time i am just a little of everything but right now it is really hard to not have that split happen. i feel my protective self pacing around inside and ready to pick a fight to end this situation. it seems like the peace never comes until the explosion happens. i hate this tension and want to just stay away from everyone until the world calms back
  15. im sensitive right now. tired and restless and apprehensive about being around people. my body is sick from hearing words like abuse and rape and trauma for the past twenty-four hours. i cant think in normal people terms right now so i drift between protective and victim. sometimes you have a realization that fighting the good fight isnt enough and eventually someone is going to be lost. its a heart break. its a shame. i am just having trouble with it not being my fault.
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