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20150624-001


lcacejk

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I had a few extra days off work and that seemed to make a difference in facing daily life. Maybe the meds are starting to kick in as well. Almost everything is getting a little easier except for dealing with my husband. I do love him dearly and I know he loves me but the drinking is getting so excessive. He becomes difficult and clingy and self-sacrificing. I am worried about his health and my mental health when he gets this way. It seems to trigger some very strong feelings of fighting with him even if he is meaning to be kind and gentle. I will find a way to work through it.

Have had to wear the holtor monitor 96hrs over this past week. not being able to take a shower or move freely has been very frustrating. im irritated with myself because i gave in to this test again just to change a medication for my heart that i refuse to take anyway. i have no desire to extend my life any further than necessary. its really more about managing quality of life but i still dont like taking the meds. my blood pressure just seems to bottom out when i take it and i fall back into a depression from being stuck in bed again.

im gonna be a grandma for the first time in october. not that i will get to see him often or ever. they are a days drive away and we arent that close anymore. i raised my sons to take care of themselves and the youngest was such a handful that we clashed just because we are so much alike. i love him dearly and im really glad he is making a life for himself. we are distant though. i had to draw a line with him and he chose to walk away. he did break his silence to tell me he was going to be a dad so maybe there is hope. i miss him and it breaks my heart that he has no family. he wasnt really mine, i just raised him because him adoptive parents literally walked away from him and left him with me. his mother left him with me because she was afraid of him and he was scary even as a little boy. aggressive and violent without sexual boundaries. he tested every limit i had in the years we knew each other. at times, i was just hoping he would stay out of prison but today he is becoming a success. he knows i love him and he knows i will be there for him in every way excepting bailing him out of his own mistakes. this isnt one though. he will be a great dad.

something has changed for me. i dont know what it is but things are a bit easier to deal with in life. most things anyway. i still think of ending it all but not every hour of every day. sometimes, i can go a whole day without having those feelings.

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