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20160413-001

its not even a struggle anymore. i dont bother with how i feel, i just do. im tired. life is good for the most part. loving husband. easy job. home is paid for and i am surrounded by so many animals that make me smile every time i interact with them. these feelings must be chemical or something. i just have flashes of moments when i hear, whats the point? the torments in my head are completely different than the life i live. i feel the need to just dig in there and carve all that stuff ou

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20151110-001

A month since the heart attack and I am just now starting to think about getting back into life. It was so difficult trying to decide to fight through this and change my life and not just give up and finally get to rest and leave all the pain and darkness I have been dealing with in my head. I came back to work today. Tired but going to try to see what I am still capable of doing. I think that my mindset has changed so much just in the past hour of being here. I have peace in my head and feel l

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20151006-001

we talked about how we love each other and how we hurt each other. he has no idea how i really feel about what is going on and i cant tell him. i do tell him but i guess i cant get it through to him there is a problem. no one seems to see what is going on inside of me. i wonder if it is all real or not. i struggle with the thoughts and the feelings each and every hour of the day and i fight sleep while i yearn for it. is it depression or fear? maybe neither or both. i wake up looking forward to

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20150923-001

my husband's laughter has changed or maybe its just me. i dont know but i hear that laughter and i am flushed back to being buried in that basement or being passed around. im so sick at my stomach and so angry i feel like i could rip the flesh from my own body. the husband is good hearted. i tell myself when he forces things to happen that i dont want its not his fault, its just my issues. normal people should enjoy that stuff and i want to be normal. i tell him it makes me want to vomit and his

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20150916-001

I've started standing my ground a little and speaking my mind just enough for someone to understand that things aren't quite right with me. I still haven't figured out how to set boundaries with my husband in a way that he does not get angry or hurt. Because I work with victims of sexual assault and domestic violence, I sometimes have days that are very difficult for me and make it emotionally painful to be close to someone or intimate with my husband. My last assault was just before we were mar

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20150905-001

sometimes i feel like there are several people inside of me trying to constantly talk to me and change my mind back and forth about things i want, feel or need. there is a part of me that is a survivor and will keep going no matter what. there is another part of me that wants to end everything. another part of me feels like there are no issues and we just need to have a little fun. i hear the thoughts of each and every one all the time and im exhausted by never being alone again. i am none of th

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20150826-001

I dont understand the need for sex. i dont have it but my husband does and sometimes it becomes an issue. i do love him and i want to make him happy but sometimes the only way to do that is to do what i dont want to do. i fake it and do everything i can to get it over with quickly. sometimes i cant even hold back the tears but he either hasnt ever noticed or chooses not to mention it. i cant understand the frustration he seems to have when he doesnt get it and he cant understand my lack of need

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20150819-001

The weather is strange and the world is turned on its ear right now. anger and aggressiveness are some of the few things left that trigger a division in me. parts of me run and hide under the covers while another part stands up to defend. most of the time i am just a little of everything but right now it is really hard to not have that split happen. i feel my protective self pacing around inside and ready to pick a fight to end this situation. it seems like the peace never comes until the explos

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20150817-001

im sensitive right now. tired and restless and apprehensive about being around people. my body is sick from hearing words like abuse and rape and trauma for the past twenty-four hours. i cant think in normal people terms right now so i drift between protective and victim. sometimes you have a realization that fighting the good fight isnt enough and eventually someone is going to be lost. its a heart break. its a shame. i am just having trouble with it not being my fault.

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20150811-001

Life has been more like a normal person's life lately and I have really enjoyed that. a few but not many thoughts of giving up on everything and they drifted away or were drowned out by cats calling or dogs barking or my husband starting some request with, "honey, are you busy?" I struggle with work. I struggle with my mother and her need to be helpless. I struggle with me being me. Im thinking of finding a different line of work. 16yrs of law enforcement and now a dv/sa advocate, crisis line

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20150624-001

I had a few extra days off work and that seemed to make a difference in facing daily life. Maybe the meds are starting to kick in as well. Almost everything is getting a little easier except for dealing with my husband. I do love him dearly and I know he loves me but the drinking is getting so excessive. He becomes difficult and clingy and self-sacrificing. I am worried about his health and my mental health when he gets this way. It seems to trigger some very strong feelings of fighting with him

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20150525-001

when i was 12 yrs old and told someone i was being raped everyday, it was not believed because i was a good student and a good kid. when i was 14 and asking for help with drug addiction and alcoholism, i was not believed because i was too smart and had so many things going for me. i am 43 now and asking for help with depression and gambling addiction and not taken seriously because i go to work, help other people, haven't lost my home or my husband and seem to function as normally as everyone el

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20150520-001

soooo.... husband and i have been at odds over a few things for a while. we both avoid because it is easier. tonight, apparently, i did not want things easier. i brought up a touchy subject between us. it didnt go well as usual. feelings were hurt. i left. later, i tried to call to smooth things over. that made things worse. husband pissed me off so i made the trip home to address it. worse to horrible. things came out of my mouth that i had kept to myself for two years. i feel miserable, not be

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20150519-001

i have about a month or two wait to see the therapist. in that time i really need to figure out what it is i am looking for help with fixing. sleep is the main issue. i get about two to three hours a day. i think it affects everything else. without sleep i dont have drive or peace or relaxation. stress could be causing my sleep issues, however, i have always had sleep issues and not always stress. depression could cause the sleep issues or sleep deprivation could cause the depression. maybe

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20150506-001

Things started getting hard for me and I reached out to someone to talk to about things a few weeks ago. Since then, I feel a tidal wave of feelings washing up waiting to crash down. Everything seems to be coming out at once. I can feel an overload trying to happen and I just don't know which way it will swing. I am already self-destructive and neck deep in addiction. It has been recommended that I go in-patient on a suicide watch but I won't go voluntarily. I would have to admit i'm falling apa

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20150414-001

i owe my husband my life for everything he has done to stay with me. a great man and wonderful friend is only the beginning of his finest qualities. i struggle most days with depression and anxiety as does he and we have found ways to support each other but lately i can say he has taken it to a new and unequivocal level. this man has every right to walk away from me and yet he stays and supports me when he doesn't even question why things are so hard. i cannot let him down. i have to keep trying

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20150408-001

i am in a self destruct mode and i cant seem to get out of it. i gamble excessively to avoid going home because i am afraid of my husband who is a loving, kind and attentive man. I smoke to destroy what is left of my lungs and heart and i over eat to avoid any other feelings. i refuse to sleep when i need to rest and i deny myself simple basic needs like a haircut or a coat. I've made my last attempt to get into counseling and change my ways before i destroy myself and my family. Appointments ke

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20150407-001

I'm in that "go away closer" mode where I need a hug and someone to make me feel safe and yet I won't let anyone in close enough to do anything like that. I feel like I don't deserve any love, respect or protection but also feel like I would do better if I had some. I am fighting depression and the need to just simply fall out of existence. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying and fighting to be and have and i'm tired of not making it quite as far as I had hoped. To counteract this, I am doing a littl

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20150324-001

i never remember dreams i have. i cant ever remember having a dream but nightmares are a different story. i remember my nightmares in vivid detail and lately i have been having some devastating recurring nightmares that are destroying my sleep. i am only asleep for 30 minutes to an hour and wake up with my heart racing and every muscle aching. i can fall right back to sleep but i go right back into the nightmares. even if i find something to distract myself for an hour before i go back i still r

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20150317-001

Was finally able to go outside for a bit today. Life is springing up across the yard and trees and I feel like we all just came through a tunnel to the light of spring. I am looking forward to starting a garden if not for anything more than just companions in the sunlight. I can breathe a little today. Stress or anxiety or just bad health has made the past few months so hard but today was a welcomed calm and I took every opportunity to smile. I potted the strawberries and have broken ground arou

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20150310-001

it is so hard not to give up. i need to be here for my family and friends but i'm just so tired. my husband is so wonderful and caring. my best friend and her son have been solid for me for so many years and need me now and i shouldnt run away now when they need me. the animals all need me because there is no one else. i am at peace with not making it to the finish line with everyone else i just have obligations to meet for as long as i can. so many times in the past i have told women when yo

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20150223-001

snow is falling and the work continues. for some reason it is easier to get outside and do things when the weather is harsh like this. i think it feels safer for me knowing that fewer people will be out in it and i can have the time to myself. not wanting to self harm so much today although i do feel a need to punish myself in a way that is more self sacrificing than anything. ive enjoyed the time with my husband. we get along great as friends and partners in life and that makes things easier. i

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20150222-001

vacation is hard for me. too much free time to be with who i am. hubby and i have talked about all the things we want to do and some of that is spending time together. i wish i could tell him all the things that are going through my head but then he would blame himself and i would just have to put more energy into taking care of him during all this. its easier to keep it to myself and just deal with it. fake it til you make it is gong to be the motto of the week. our anniversary is thursday and

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20150220-001

body memories, flashbacks, self sabotage, self harm, self hatred. going to town so maybe i wont be left alone til tomorrow.

lcacejk

lcacejk

 

20150218-002

i wonder what would have been different in my life if i had been more 'normal.' would i sleep at night and worry about the simple things in life? would i wear things that make me feel attractive? would i have ever been in a lesbian relationship, not being afraid of men? would i have been so concerned about the lives of others? would i love my animals as much? would i be healthier? would i be happier? would i have faith in god? would i be more or less successful? would i have still go

lcacejk

lcacejk

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