I hate the night.
Sometimes I find myself lost in the dark. The daylight keeps me present, and the night takes me back. I start feeling tears stream down my face and I can't quite tell what they are from. Then I begin to feel like I am being sucked into a time loop. I am back at our old dirty apartment, sneaking past him as he sleeps...terrified he might wake up. My heart is racing, body tense then his eyes open. I flash forward to a new room. All of a sudden I am laying on a cot next to a stranger eyes wide open. My phone is flashing with messages reading I love you, I hate you, call me, I am changing the locks, I am burning all of your belongings, you will never see our cat again, call me, I love you... I curl into a ball and squeeze my eyes shut hoping it will be over. Only to open them again and be back in the present, realizing he is gone. I feel a sense of panic, comfort and yearning all at the same time. I miss him. I hate him. I love him. I despise him. It is over. Its been years. It feels like yesterday, but it has been years. I have moved on, I am happy remember? I squeeze my eyes shut again to make me wakeup, only to realize I am awake it will just never be over. As long as there is night, it will never be over. The night will sometimes take me back, I just have to learn to live with it.
I hate the night.
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