Last time made me so uncomfortable, driving down to the campground... imaging what P would look like, and what his reaction would be.
It made me physically ill, but excited. I tried to explain that to my husband the last time we had a decent honest conversation, the other night, about all this. I can't tell him that I had a brief fantasy about P... about getting back together with him. I don't want that, not really. It's like when I think about P I get sucked back into being that 11-15 year old girl... I can't help myself, he is so tall and kind to me. He pays attention to me, he smiles at me in a special way....
(Am I wrong to say it's been a while since G smiled at me that way? That secret, you're mine; you're my girl kind of look/smile.)
Anyway, I was all upset, freaked out, ashamed, excited, disgusted, hurt..... all that shit when driving down and thinking these things about P.... it wasn't like that anyway. He was going out past me as I was coming in saying something like "Hey Kimmy!!", and I said "Hey" back to him, but I am pretty good at putting off "DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME" vibes. I almost feel like he swallowed the happy and excited greeting as soon as I passed the threshold of the door and into the store, or as soon as I responded. Not quite what I imagined.
I didn't see him after that...
But anyway, today I've been getting asked by my family if I am going down there this weekend.... I had originally planned to. I (sickly) kind of want to - to see him again... I don't know why. Either way, I have decided not to go. It's too fucked up. Besides, I'm already stressing myself out already with trying to figure myself out, and grow in my relationship with G....
I told my stepdad first, easy. Then I texted my sister (thought about talking to her on the phone.. but knew I would probably cry...) told her why. She understands and asks if I want her to punch P in the c*ck. I love her, I appreciate her support SO MUCH. I want to see her too (coming from out of state.. and my nieces..)... but.. anyway it's fucked up. Because how do I say; I think maybe I still kind of love him (gag)?
Anyway, almost as soon as I got home, my mom was calling me. I knew, as soon as I saw who was calling, that she was going to ask if I was coming down this weekend. I immediately felt ill. I looked at G and said, I'm going to lie to her about why I am not coming.
I don't know why I felt like I needed to lie about that.
Happily... she didn't press when I said I wasn't able to. She also brought up that she was hiring a new boy... I wonder if she is hiring a new boy so she can fire P. Last time she said P's name around me, she looked at me kinda guilty and was like, "I'm only using him you know.."
Maybe I'm reading too much into it...
I feel MUCH better now having it out in the open that I am not going. But I don't understand why I felt like I should lie about it.
What is wrong with a person when they have amazing sex with their partner... Passionate, where their partner is trying to accommodate and give them what they need. Exciting, thrilling, new sex - trying things with eachother that they haven't before... but it's not enough? I didn't cum, I couldn't... usually that doesn't happen... but I was really worked up and excited by trying the new things - plus I was focusing a lot on what we were doing, not just cumming. It was great... he is great.
I know there is nothing "wrong" with me... but it's hard. It's like, he is everything I could ever ask for... so kind, so caring... tries his best to be understanding... why am I.... still.... like this.
I'm excited for school to be over soon, but I also worry about all the time I'll have on my hands. Not that I'm going to go out and do stupid shit... but I feel very overwhelmed and consumed by all I'm feeling.