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Waiting for the weekend to really "start". I have a friend coming upstate to visit me... someone who I haven't hung out with in almost a year, it'll be fun to hang out with her.

Why do I feel so.. non-enthused? I have a long weekend... I don't have to go and be around P at my mom's house.... all in all a fairly good weekend...

I guess I'm also really stressed about next year, upcoming summer break, summer school..... my job. I am happy I will be doing summer school - a little more pay is fine by me - but I get nervous about planning for next year. I never feel like I'm covering the standards which I am required to cover...

I've also been thinking a lot about grammar, incorporating grammar and mechanics into my curriculum... but I didn't even understand grammar when I was in school. Yes, I am an ELA teacher, but my area of interest is in creative writing, or reading comprehension. Basically literature, discussing literature, and expressing yourself thru writing. I mean, obviously I grasp grammar... I write according to "the rules"... but trying to figure out how to teach those "rules" when I don't fully understand them is daunting.

Part of my professional development this year was teaching grammar... and I just felt like I was not doing what I needed to be doing. I know it was fine... but I care about my job... and I care about doing everything to the best of my ability.

Yeah... teacher thoughts.... sorry. It's like my mind just hovers in two spheres - sex and work.

- - - -

OK, now here comes some ranting/complaining/etc....

Sometimes I feel so invisible at home. I know G loves me. I know he does.... but when he is playing his videogame, reading about the game, or whatever... it's like I come home, and sit... waiting for him to pay attention to me.

How can I get him to give me more attention without bugging him, pressuring him... or pestering him? He's pretty easy going... but when you "nag" him about stuff, he is more inclined to do the opposite... so how do I get him to pay attention to me. I've jokingly told him, I'm going to give you a word requirement - like you have to say 20 words to me a day. It was a joke... but he didn't think it was funny.

So that's like... ok dude... I'm trying to communicate what I need. YES, I recognize that you need space, yes, you need to think and stew and not just hash it out right then.... but I get so frustrated... doesn't he understand that I need attention and communication????

I don't know, just frustrating. Like I said... I KNOW he loves me.

- - -

I've not brought up any of this.... sexual tension/frustration/etc with him since earlier this week... I am scared to open that door again... last time he was mad, frustrated, and we did get into a "fight", even though we were ok again by the time we went to bed.

I worry that he thinks this is "over"... but I feel like it's kinda just beginning....

- - -

Yeah so, my mom called to talk about our plans this weekend. We're meeting up at the lake house - no douche bag zone - and I just wanted to solidify when. Anyway, she tried to talk to me about it. About him. That she was proud of me for being able to talk about it, and that I tell my students about assault - that consent must be ENTHUSIASTIC consent, otherwise that is assault. Whether it is words, touches, or actions... anyway, that's all nice. It was, awkward.. but I appreciate that she at least brought it up... brought up that she is planning on firing him as soon as she has a replacement..

Ok... yeah... and then she goes into, and she's just telling me, "not that this is an excuse or whatever", but how he is going to church and going to counseling.

What am I supposed to say to that... like, oh good for him? Or... I don't know... I just prefer that he not be in my life/mind/heart at ALL.

And just think, he has sat there and told my mom of his horrible life... how he regrets how he's acted in the past(what actions.. who knows..), that he and his wife cheated on each other, yadda yadda....

I don't get why she wanted to tell me, and I don't get why... like... fuck him. I don't know. That's great that he can get help... that he can improve himself. Anyone can do that, and most "bad" people have had to go thru some kind of trauma... I am doing it. But anyway, I genuinely do hope that he IS trying to heal... everyone deserves that. But - I DON'T FUCKING CARE. But I do... kinda... I mean, I do and don't hate him. And I do and don't love him.

- - -

I was asking my sister if she remembered when P started like... showering me with so much affection... My best guess is 11 or 12. Let's say I was 12, or even 13 when he first touched me sexually, she said that then he would have been 16 or 17. And I'm almost positive we had sex when I was 15, so that would make him 19. Does that matter? It's strange how little of my adolescence is clear to me. I mean, I remember like... specific events... but the actual details and ages seem hazy. Maybe that's just normal... does it matter at all?

I asked her if that was normal... me liking him, him flirting (kinda) with me. She said that when she was that age, an older boy would kinda "like" her, but she said the difference was that they never touched her - not even to throw her in the river.

So that makes P pulling me onto his lap and hugging me... did he ever do anything more than that before he came to me on the couch... I don't remember.

God I hate him, because it's like even thinking about that shit makes me feel all sexually flustered.

I wonder if he knows that my mom knows as much as she knows... and she doesn't know much... or... I don't know if she knows the details... So when he's having those "heart to heart" convos about him improving his life... do they know how skewed my own life became after those first attentions... and the real shitter is that I did like it.. and that doesn't make me any less a victim. I never really realized that he was THAT much older, that he knew it probably wasn't ok... So since I... since I loved him, it's like... I can't hate him, but I do hate him, because all he ever did was hurt me, use me, and lie. Maybe that's what I'm stuck on..

I believed that maybe he would marry me... I imagined it back then. It wasn't just a one time thing, him telling me he would marry me, he did it a few times, and usually in front of other people.. coupled with the hugs or pulling me on his lap.

Ugh, fuck him.

I have to remind myself that the life, this real, healthy, generally happy life I have with my G is so much better than what P could have given me. He would never have helped me find myself, and work through my shit over and over and over like G does.

That's the other fucked up thing - back to self blame - what right do I have to complain about what I have? What right do I have to think dangerous thoughts that seem so fucked up and shameful that I am doomed to wreck my relationship with G.

But I'm not. I'm not. I have always been honest, will always be honest - as much as I feel comfortable... Shit, this is where I spew the thoughts as they come to me.. it seems really fucking dangerous if I do that to my sweet G.

Yeah... should try to get into friend/hang out mode... lol


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