I can't help but beat myself up.... I know... I recognize that it is depression... that it is the resurgence of fucked up feelings/desires and impulses that have been with me my entire life... things I'm ashamed of... been repressing, haven't been exploring or dealing with them... and... I know that a lot of my.... feeling scared... anxious... and quite frankly... recently I just want to... end. Not that I'm going to do anything to hurt myself physically... I'm not capable of that.. but... I am
Yeah so... my family (mom and stepdad, sisters and their husbands, kids, and my bro and and step bro and now even my grandparents and aunt and uncle and cousins... so anyway, we renting this lake house... and...we're getting (slowly) we're getting ready to go on this week long retreat.
So.. I know it will be fun. It will be fun to see my nieces... it will be fun to see my sisters, my nephew, my brother... even my extended family... I know it will be so much fun... but... I'm a lot leery of bein
So. People have always told me that I'm powerful. That I'm strong. Brave.
I... I have never really believed it. Because... I'm so terrified on the inside. So... anxious. I'm constantly waiting for people to hurt me. Part of it has to do with my dad being emotionally abusive in front of me (truly do not recall him ever being like that directly to me), and then feeling abandoned when they got divorced. Then the assault/abusive relationship that started in the same time as the divorce. Combined wi
More and more... the more I'm going to therapy... the more I live my life.... I'm just...
Ok... so... yes he is trying (husband). He is.... but.... he still doesn't get that I need him, more than ever.
To be around me, to talk to me, to look at me, to hold me, etc, etc, etc, etc.... and he gets mad at me when I get hurt because he isn't.
I'm just so tired of begging him to give me what I need... I feel like that's all I've been doing.
And... we have pretty extreme your family vs. my family b
So... life has this way of sucker punching you.
Although recently I have become more distant from reality... which I am realizing is fucking dangerous... it's not so much... distant from reality, because I am aware of my life, but more... just... being ambivalent about it, and even if I feel the emotions, I'm not overwhelmed by them.. I've carried them for so long.. I feel... just... yeah.
So.. my mom just called. The man who has worked for her, for my family since we moved here and bought the
I am so sick of feeling invisible. Let me try to break apart the different ways in which I feel invisible.
Sexually - For the past two years. maybe for a few years leading up to that too, my husband's and my sexual relationships has changed... has tapered off. Now, I know that's normal... but it's almost like... I am apprehensive to say or do ANYTHING blatantly sexual, because he appears to get irritated and annoyed that I'm horny, again. So like... I have taken to basically being nudist in my
So we had a big ass talk. My husband and I.
I don't think my husband has fully understood the depth of my need for a man to possess me. Sexually,. to be submissive to a man. To be his precious thing.
I'm realizing that a lot of it has to do with my family falling apart, and feeling abandoned by my dad. The one man who was supposed to be my number one, the one who was supposed to love me forever, who was supposed to cherish me, protect me, and teach me... he left.
I was around 11 or 12... and
So... I've had two therapy sessions...
The first one was just an intake.. so it was like I was just crying, spewing shit I haven't said ever.... and just... unloading all this emotional damage.
This second time, we started discussing me... how I feel like I've lost myself... and here are two major revelations.
1) We were discussing feeling like I've lost myself... that I don't know who I am... and she asked me who I was before my abuse...
I honestly don't know... I feel like my entire teen
Got an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. it was all I could do to not cry on the phone with her.
Husband and I had a nice, well no..we both cried, we both were upset...but we talked. I told him I was lonely and unhappy. I told him what I need...and it was so fucking hard to say out loud to him... I told him about the need to be possessed... And he said that isn't me. I know it isn't... He said things that translated to me as, fucking destroy everything by cheating, or leave, cause that ai
So... I have been trying to communicate to my husband in a non-threatening, non-aggressive, husband-friendly way... that I NEED sex, sexual attention. That I NEED specific types of sex/sexual attention... and he is trying his best...
But he just made me so angry last night. We were laying in bed, and I was trying to initiate sexy time... and there finally came a point where I just had to stop, because I was getting so hurt, angry, whatever. Here I was, writhing next to him, so ready for our sex
So I was spending time with my in-laws this evening... dinner (delicious), and company.
I'm not sure what was said to make me feel this way... but I feel the need to rant a little... vent a little.. in a safe environment so that I won't hurt the ones I love.
When someone hasn't been through a traumatic event - abusive parents, volatile divorce perhaps, sexual assault... something that changes how you interact with the world. Makes you inherently -dysfunctional... you are constantly having to i
Waiting for the weekend to really "start". I have a friend coming upstate to visit me... someone who I haven't hung out with in almost a year, it'll be fun to hang out with her.
Why do I feel so.. non-enthused? I have a long weekend... I don't have to go and be around P at my mom's house.... all in all a fairly good weekend...
I guess I'm also really stressed about next year, upcoming summer break, summer school..... my job. I am happy I will be doing summer school - a little more pay is fine
Last time made me so uncomfortable, driving down to the campground... imaging what P would look like, and what his reaction would be.
It made me physically ill, but excited. I tried to explain that to my husband the last time we had a decent honest conversation, the other night, about all this. I can't tell him that I had a brief fantasy about P... about getting back together with him. I don't want that, not really. It's like when I think about P I get sucked back into being that 11-15 year old
Sometimes I wish my students would appreciate that I am a human being.
I cannot deal with any more youth drama today. I have my own drama in my life.
Thank goodness school's out next week.
I also have to remind myself.... they bring me these issues because I am a safe place. Just wish it wasn't a constant barrage of drama and emotional overload- it seems like today was so dramatic.
Extreme content - mind rambles and just trying to work through this.
Mother fucking fuck.
I don't understand why these... memories... this.. .this fucking life altering moment when P fucking fuck face made me his. Sick, made me HIS??!?! I don't understand why these memories have now made me have to realize that I'm.... what.. what? So fucking preoccupied by sex and men sexualizing me? It breaks my heart typing those words.
It breaks my heart because who the FUCK takes this shit and uses it in
I might go down to my mom's campground this coming weekend, Memorial Weekend.
If I think about it too long, my belly gets all.... filled with butterflies, gets upset. I get excited. Like I'm going on a date.
I'm NOT. I am NOT going on a fucking date with him. I am married to a man, a GOOD man. I hate him so much for being in my heart still.
I don't want to be.... excited at the prospect of seeing him. What kind of a masochist am I? Seriously, I am happy (aren't I?), loved, and supported.
I think I dreamt about him last night.
I'm just really frustrated at myself. Like... now that I'm finally FINALLY able to view my.... past (I wanted so bad to write "relationship") for what it actually was - coercion, using his age and counting on me already being half in love with him. I am just now, like 12 years after I even gave him more than a passing thought... and now suddenly it's like, he's all I can think about.
I hate that I find myself wondering if he thinks of me. That since he se
So yeah. I am really embarassed to admit some of these fantasies...I am constantly thinking them, but I haven't admitted some of them to my husband. Some, but,not the ones I am afraid of, shamed by... Secretly thrilled by.
It's like I got my first sexual awakening, and that's all I want, from anybody. Yes of course I want stability, yes I want a partner, YES I want all these things... But I also want to be overly sexual. It isn't enough, being in my monogamous relationship. BAD Kimmy..that is p
So, I'm trying to work through why I am like I am... is there something broken inside that led to this? Am I a perverted person? Is it wrong to be perverted? I feel like the right answer to that has to be YES. Good people aren't like this, proper, respectable people don't think these thoughts, have these desires. It's gross, I feel gross, because then by that logic... I AM wrong. Bad.
I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say either.... so I guess I'll just go right into it... TW/GRAPHIC - you r
So this is my first real attempt to talk openly about my past.
It all started when I was 11 or 12. My family owns a business, and a young man worked for us; I will call him "P". He was probably 15/16 when this all started happening.
For years, he would touch me (friendly, but.... with meaning), hug me, tell me he loved me, that I was his favorite and he would marry me. As a young girl, I think it's fairly fitting to say I thought I loved him. This type of.... flirting(?) and interactions conti