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Kimberly122708

Life

I can't help but beat myself up.... I know... I recognize that it is depression... that it is the resurgence of fucked up feelings/desires and impulses that have been with me my entire life... things I'm ashamed of... been repressing, haven't been exploring or dealing with them... and... I know that a lot of my.... feeling scared... anxious... and quite frankly... recently I just want to... end. Not that I'm going to do anything to hurt myself physically... I'm not capable of that.. but... I am so tired of fighting.. of trying... I'm scared... lonely... whatever.

Anyway... My husband and I haven't been to therapy for the past three weeks... which... sucked. Terribly. Horribly. And, last week, we went on a family vacation with my family - extended and immediate. That was..... amazing.. but also terrifying and almost... like... defeating...

So... while we were on vacation... my husband (accidentally) found some exchanges I've had... that basically amount to cheating. Needless to say he was crushed, angry.... and... in a way it was... I don't keep secrets from him... I've always tried to be honest and forthcoming with him... and... I've also felt like I've been TRYING to communicate (albeit terribly... and in ways that he didn't understand...) It led to a greater conversation about how unhappy I have been in our marriage... that a lot of it has to do with sex... sexual attention... and how that equates to his wanting to be with me - cherishing me... It's obviously not just that. I have also been feeling like I haven't been seen... been put first... been supported in my relationship... I know that I have also contributed to this - and I'm willing to try to do something different... but I honestly hadn't felt like he desired me and wanted to be with me... he said the words...but his actions made me feel differently...

At therapy yesterday... he finally heard me. I know that I'm not being fair to him... I'm asking him to do things that make him incredibly uncomfortable and push him past limits he didn't know he had... never dreamed of crossing... but.... I am realizing... through people we have encountered (this foursome who were poly), then my abuser coming back into my life... on top of feeling more and more isolated and lost in my marriage.... He heard.

He's been trying. He's been very attentive... sexually... even though he maintains that he won't be able to do this all the time (and I get that... sometimes I really am just tired...) but... he's been touching me (hugs, cuddles, soothing touch) the way I need.

He has asked me to tell him about what I need... which... I had been doing.. but had gotten tired of him shooting me down immediately (either with "that's just not me" or "I never want that kind of relationship") and am at the end of my rope... I'm so weary of trying...

So... I've been trying to be completely transparent. I told him that I'm struggling with monogamy.. that part of what I'm craving is that sexual attention from men... all men. I... it's wonderful to get it from my spouse... I've been missing that.

Hold the phone... no jumping to conclusions... So... first, I need to get my depression under control... and... if my husband keeps giving me the sexual attention that he has been... it doesn't have to be this constant... but... it needs to be fairly constant...

The other thing is... I know I need to explore some of these sexual things... and.... I know he's trying to be with me... and I'm going to be honest with him... even if it means he comes to a line that he won't cross... that... I feel compelled to cross... I mean... If there is one thing I know... it's that I don't mess around... I do things... I try to do them fully, or at least try... to be fair and honest. So... I'm telling him that I'm struggling... that it's a daily occurrence... that it stems from before the abuse around my parent's divorce... that... it is me... it has been me... and.... I'm scared he's going to get tired of going down this rabbit hole... But... I'm trying to be honest with him... and he's never been anything but good.. He didn't... he wasn't giving me what I needed... but he NEVER hurt me. Never on purpose. He is a good man. So... I feel better knowing that he KNOWS what is going on... what is "at stake" so to speak... and.... that I need more... I need... "taboo" and "unconventional" things...

I don't know how we're going to do that... I don't know if he will be able to.... but... it feels strangely... like we're closer than ever.

Sometimes I don't understand life... because... even when I know that he and I are BOTH trying to work through this... to figure this out... I still feel like crying.... sad... like... hopeless...

Depression.. I'm sure.

Anyway... today we've been sexting... and we're going on a date.. going to do some things that we've never done before... It's exciting... thrilling... scary... to be this way with him... after I've felt so invisible for so long.

Kimberly122708

Yeah so... my family (mom and stepdad, sisters and their husbands, kids, and my bro and and step bro and now even my grandparents and aunt and uncle and cousins... so anyway, we renting this lake house... and...we're getting (slowly) we're getting ready to go on this week long retreat.

So.. I know it will be fun. It will be fun to see my nieces... it will be fun to see my sisters, my nephew, my brother... even my extended family... I know it will be so much fun... but... I'm a lot leery of being around all of them in a large group like that.

I... they know about my... abuse. The nature of it... so... there's that... but now they just keep wanting to help...to support... and while I appreciate that... I don't feel very safe talking about it with them... with anyone really... except my therapist... and others whom I've met through this site...

No one else really gets it... and so then I feel so judged, and withdraw into my self a little deeper.. I want to feel proud of my sexuality... but I feel like everyone around me wants me to "fix it".

Newsflash... I'm figuring out I don't want to be... "fixed".. if that means completely turning away from something that has seemed as natural as breathing to me... since... always. Since fucking always.

I just... it's hard, right now especially with the (yes sometimes/most the time self inflicted) isolation I'm feeling more and more...

And like... I'm really feeling that something is changing... in me... in my life... in my relationships... I don't know what... or why... or how... but... I feel like I'm gearing up.. and that's.... well that's something.

So yeah.... I'm grappling with this... and now I get to go and play happy family time...

This is good for you, Kimmy. It is. Just... just do it.

Kimberly122708

So. People have always told me that I'm powerful. That I'm strong. Brave.

I... I have never really believed it. Because... I'm so terrified on the inside. So... anxious. I'm constantly waiting for people to hurt me. Part of it has to do with my dad being emotionally abusive in front of me (truly do not recall him ever being like that directly to me), and then feeling abandoned when they got divorced. Then the assault/abusive relationship that started in the same time as the divorce. Combined with my mom getting remarried fairly soon thereafter...

I mean... all these things have made me isolate myself. From friends, from family... from everyone. The only people who really get me, unabashed and ashamed, are the youth which whom I work. And even then... it's a professional setting... so it's not the same. Anyway... I have isolated myself. I'm trying to break that habit... but it's hard. Most of the time, I don't even feel like it's worth it... the effort... the time it takes... and.... inevitably they all hurt you.

But, the bravery... I have heard people say this about me... but... recently my mom told me that I always had been. That even if the choices facing me made me scared and anxious... that I always took the next step forward; no matter what.

I guess... that just gave me some peace of mind. No matter what the future holds, even if I'm crying and weeping and shaking uncontrollably.... I will still take the next step.

Fuck... it's a lonely, fucking terrifying, pothole riddled and pitfall speckled road... but.... at the end of it, I'm hoping there is peace for Kimmy... and no one else can walk that road but me.

I'm going to do it.

Kimberly122708

More and more... the more I'm going to therapy... the more I live my life.... I'm just...

Ok... so... yes he is trying (husband). He is.... but.... he still doesn't get that I need him, more than ever.

To be around me, to talk to me, to look at me, to hold me, etc, etc, etc, etc.... and he gets mad at me when I get hurt because he isn't.

I'm just so tired of begging him to give me what I need... I feel like that's all I've been doing.

And... we have pretty extreme your family vs. my family bullshit going on. I don't know how it started... but it's just gotten worse. It's like any time either one of us tries to talk about doing something with our families... the other one doesn't want to do it. No matter what it is.

What's hard though.. is we live TWO MILES from his family... so we see them ALL THE TIME.

Seriously. There's a fucking weekly "quota" that we have to fill for hanging out with them, otherwise his mom will bother us until we do.

One thing we discussed in therapy, which I still don't think he gets... is that my ONLY social network up here is HIS family. I have no one.

My job. My job is the only thing that really gives me happiness right now.

I'm trying so hard not to be fatalistic... but... more and more... I'm just... feeling more invisible... more second fiddle... more alone.

That's not ok.

Kimberly122708

Life.

So... life has this way of sucker punching you.

Although recently I have become more distant from reality... which I am realizing is fucking dangerous... it's not so much... distant from reality, because I am aware of my life, but more... just... being ambivalent about it, and even if I feel the emotions, I'm not overwhelmed by them.. I've carried them for so long.. I feel... just... yeah.

So.. my mom just called. The man who has worked for her, for my family since we moved here and bought the business, Rick, just died. Suddenly, unexpectedly. He was one of those... kinda creepy... criminal record, but basically a fucking good person. Would do anything for you, just a little rough around the edges. He helped my mom through the divorce, he was fiercely protective of us kids.

I distinctly remember one time P (my abuser) made me cry, don't remember why, and Rick asked me who made me cry, and I told him, and he yelled at P.

If he had known that P had.. that we had... were involved sexually, he might have killed him. Or beaten him up.

He was funny, he cared about me, was proud of me, and was overall a father figure.

Here's where this gets all kinds of fucked up... but I wanted to explore it because it's...

So.. even though he never ever EVER touched me sexually, never even anything close.... he did... sexualize me? Or.. add another layer to it?

Let me be fucking clear. I love Rick. I love him, he NEVER did anything to hurt me. I am not trying to befoul his name, I am just... realizing some serious shit. I just need to process this.. and work through it.

So. I also have distinct memories of when I started... developing. Who knows how old... sixth grade through 8th grade? 7th and 8th? Anyway, I seem to recall wearing a thong or something, and that a man (I think it was Rick...?) made a comment about it. Not in a way that made me feel threatened at all, I was flattered by it.

There's another time I clearly remember that he told me I swung my hips when I walked, or something about the way my ass moved. Ever since then, I am pretty aware (and hopeful) that men are noticing the same thing..

And, his tattoos were some of the first ones I ever saw. He had a Tasmanian Devil, a naked Smurfette, and a naked lady with a truck running up on her body. The truck had these... tubes? suckers? that were attached to her breasts, and her groin.

I... I liked those tattoos. I liked the things he said to me (that I'm pretty sure he said to me) about my body.

What the fuck...

I also know that when he found out about P, because he did find out about P... he cried... I know he loved me. I know he did. He was someone who was very important in my life... just.. maybe in ways I wasn't really expecting.

So. Yeah. Life.

And today my husband and I are going to therapy too. Ha. Anyway... Life keeps rolling. There's no stopping it.

I guess over all, I am just realizing how fucked up I am... that feeling abandoned by my dad, and searching for it, then receiving it in sexual ways too young... I can't... that is what I am good at, that is what I know, that is what I want. I am this way, sex runs through everything I do, it is a constant thought, a constant thread...

And that so much of my own self fulfillment and contentment comes from being.. from being the most prized, coveted, and cherished thing in a man's life. Yes his possession, at least in some capacity (sexually). Is that fucked up? Maybe. Probably.

It's me. I'm just trying to figure out how "me" fits into the life I've built.

Kimberly122708

Invisible

I am so sick of feeling invisible. Let me try to break apart the different ways in which I feel invisible.

Sexually - For the past two years. maybe for a few years leading up to that too, my husband's and my sexual relationships has changed... has tapered off. Now, I know that's normal... but it's almost like... I am apprehensive to say or do ANYTHING blatantly sexual, because he appears to get irritated and annoyed that I'm horny, again. So like... I have taken to basically being nudist in my house... because it's comfortable (we were never like that growing up...) but also because I like walking around in front of him naked. But. He. Doesn't. Care. I don't even know what would get a reaction out of him... maybe if I wore a clown suit? Or set myself on fire? I don't know. He just... carries on like everything is normal. I feel invisible. Likewise... I have really upped my consumption of porn and how often I masturbate... and I have started drawing intense erotic illustrations... Again, he could be walking by me drawing, or writing something... look at it, and just walk by. Like nothing out of the ordinary is going on.

I'm not saying he needs to like... fucking throw me down each time he sees that... but... SOMEthing would be nice. It's so hard, and getting so much harder every day, because I'm realizing how much sex, sexual attention, and feeling wanted by someone matters to me - to my fucking core. It is NOT just about getting off, it's about truly feeling wanted by a man, feeling coveted, needed, desired. Cherished. It hurts me so bad when he ignores me, over, and over, and over.

In General - My man has always been quiet, has always been... reserved. Shy. That's fine. What is hard, is the constant feeling of zero communication. On a typical night... we might speak 100 words to eachother - and that is probably being generous. Yes, we have BOTH gotten into the habit of technology taking over our "down time"... but even if I try to initiate conversation, he doesn't want to talk. I have asked him what his favorite part of the day was... Did he see anything weird.... Eat anything good? Anything, just, fucking talk to me... and he can't. He doesn't want to.

But then, if his mom calls, or his brother... he instantly comes alive. He wants to chat, he wants to talk, socialize. Why won't he socialize with me? Or, if we are doing something socially (btw, majority of the time we do shit with his family, since all my siblings live away, and my mom lives downstate. His entire family is in the area.) he comes alive. He wants to stay late, talk to everyone, etc. Why won't he talk to me anymore?

Or like, if we're in a social situation, he's very apt to not introduce me or include me in conversations... or ditch me all together. I am not that shy... so in the beginning I would stick my hand out and introduce myself... 7 years in... I am so fucking tired of it... I just... will be there... in the background.

Or like... today, I come home... I ask him questions... I get one word responses. I told him that I had a hard day... nothing..

It's just so hard to.... feel so invisible. And I KNOW part of it is he is so comfortable with me, that he can just... .be.... but I am dealing with severe emotional abuse and trauma... shit that made me HYPER needy... I'm mad at him. I'm not.

Life Decisions - There has been one major.....major fucking decision that was made the first year of our marriage in which I had no say. He had a job downstate. I was just about to graduate college. His job was KILLING him. He was depressed, and would come home and cry.... I fully supported him getting a different job. I tried to get him to look out of state, or downstate... anywhere where there WERE jobs. He could only see moving to his hometown. I tried so hard to help him see other options... but he chose a 3rd shift, part time job, and moved back in with his parents. So.... when I graduated, I moved in with my in-laws.

It was fucking hard. I had an incredibly hard time finding work... and he was on a completely different schedule.. so when I did see him, he was sleeping.

Now... we are established... we have our careers, our own house... it's cool. And we have fought about his... decision.. but I have decided it isn't worth it for me to bring it up.. all it does is make him crazy defensive, and we fight horribly... so why do that? But it's hard... because he makes these other (not as big, but still LIFE) decisions without taking into account MY thoughts. Like, he was already planning on doing it, but he's telling me first. IE - we got a dog. He took a demotion/pay cut to have less responsibility at work. And then a series of incredibly small fucking trivial decisions that just... accumulate and make me feel like I am a shadow in my own life. "Oh didn't I tell you we're having dinner with my parents tonight?"

It's just... I am so fucking lonely. I didn't even know I was lonely... I brought up date night with him last week... just.. trying to schedule time for us to reconnect... he asked why, but then was down for it... Yeah... I haven't heard about it since then.

That's the thing... like, I COULD go and remind him... I COULD go and bring it up to him, again. But... I am so fucking sick of that. I want HIM TO CARE ENOUGH ABOUT ME TO SEEK ME OUT. I want HIM to want to do things for me, to worry about me, to cater to me, to cherish me.

I know he loves me... but it's a platonic... like... brotherly/roommate love... I don't feel like his partner. I don't feel like.... anything. I feel like a fucking shadow that just hangs out... I can manifest sometimes to say things, interact with objects.... but usually I'm just a shimmer of darkness...

I'm just so fucking sad right now.

Kimberly122708

Talking.

So we had a big ass talk. My husband and I.

I don't think my husband has fully understood the depth of my need for a man to possess me. Sexually,. to be submissive to a man. To be his precious thing.

I'm realizing that a lot of it has to do with my family falling apart, and feeling abandoned by my dad. The one man who was supposed to be my number one, the one who was supposed to love me forever, who was supposed to cherish me, protect me, and teach me... he left.

I was around 11 or 12... and I was searching for a man to fill that void. Enter P. A 16 or 17 year old. He showered me with attention, told me he loved me, and professed how he would marry me. Innocent enough, but I gravitated towards it like a thirsty man to a cool stream. Then it became sexual. Who knows when. And who knows how long between that first interaction and the first time we had intercourse when I was 15. Suddenly, me, this young girl who has always felt sexual - masturbated, played games with her dolls involving kidnapping and domination - suddenly I was getting this sexual attention from a man.

After that... there was no... hobbies... no .... I mean... I went to school. I had a job. I had one really good girlfriend in high school. And then I had boyfriends, or boys I messed around with... One after the other after the other until I met my husband. When I was 18.

I knew he was a good man, a kind person, so I quickly snatched him up. Up until now, we have been happy in our marriage... or... as happy as you expect to be, you know, with life and all.

Then we met these poly people. They basically invited us to play.. and one of the guys, he just KNEW what kind of attention I wanted... he could fucking smell it. Dominating, controlling, aggressive. I felt like someone suddenly was shining a light into the deepest part of me. It was like, who's that back there, I haven't seen her in such a long time... she's been chained up in the deepest part of me... but she's been creeping out...

She's been creeping out in the way my consumption of erotic literature has raised over the past few years... to the way I have been masturbating more then ever, and creating pictures and elaborate fantasies... but it's not satisfying. She's going fucking crazy... I am going fucking crazy..

So I told my husband that I feel like I need this attention... and that he has (by his own accord) no desire - nor feels capable of being dominant. I told him I want to feel like his possession, and he said, "Kimmy, I can never treat you as a possession."

I asked him if he could even in just a sexual capacity. He said "You know that's not me."

It was... it was fucking hard. He feels like I am trying to make him change.. but I'm not.. I'm asking him to try.... I don't know what the hell I need... I would love it if HE could boss me around, use me and make me feel so fucking good because I know he loves me so much that he wants to fucking possess me.

Is that fucked up to want to feel that? To need to feel that? Sometimes I feel like the ONLY skill I have is sex. Like... that is the way I know you like me, that you care about me... it's like ultimate Kimmy time. Whatever the fuck that means.

Anyway... we basically ended with... I know he loves me. In his words, "I'm here, aren't I?"

We're trying. I want him to come to counseling with me at some point...

And... honestly... I was fucking choking an integral and deep rooted part of who I am.... she was dying... now he knows... it's out...

Maybe we can move on? I want to move forward with him. I just want to move forward... but feel happy and fulfilled.

I also really hurt and feel ashamed that he is hurt because I am not feeling happy.. or like he can give me what I need. But I can't help the way I'm built.... I have always been this way. I never remember NOT being this way. No more than he can control the way he is built. A sweet, passive, honest, gentle person.

I don't feel like we're at an impasse... it's more like... there was a minor explosion... but now there's a clear little space.

I guess... also... I must remind myself.. this is all very fast in his perspective. Whereas even though my willingness to be honest with him and myself is fairly new... I have known this, lived with this, forever.

I also said the words, "I need a sexual outlet? What else can I do?" to him.

And that what I AM doing, is not enough.

I don't really know what this means... and now that I'm writing it out like this... I feel like a fucking selfish person. Horrible and disgusting and just... wrong.

Oh yeah, he also said, "I thought you wanted to, like, like you didn't want those feelings. That you thought they were unhealthy."

And I was like, "Yeah, I know they're not... normal... but because of my age when my abuse started... coupled with the trauma of the divorce... I am forever stuck with that sexual charge. I can't not be that way. I don't see myself ever not being that way."

So yeah... that also felt fucking amazing... scary... like... I didn't know why I was fucking saying these things to my spouse... I said a few times, "I don't know why I am telling you this, I don't want to tell you this"

There was lots of crying on my end.

He was incredibly uncomfortable and luckily we were going to go do something that allowed him his space to process. So it's ok.

He was loving on me the next time I saw him, and joking around... good ole G.

Just wanted to throw this out there to all you other peoples in the abyss. You too can roll the dice and risk everything to feel free within yourself. To know that your spouse sees all of you... and that maybe(?) they will roll with you.... but also... maybe they won't want to. And they deserve to have the relationship they want too. I am strong. I can make it through anything.

It was scary as fuck. It's terrifying to lay my soul bare to him.. to admit these things that are so socially unacceptable and "not normal".... to basically tell my husband that he is not giving me what I need... I felt terrible doing it... and I didn't like doing it.

But I felt... cleansed afterwards.

Like there was a little more space in my head for me to just... think. To just... breathe. Be ok with who I am.

It's crazy. I feel like I'm in a waking dream sometimes.

Kimberly122708

Therapy

So... I've had two therapy sessions...

The first one was just an intake.. so it was like I was just crying, spewing shit I haven't said ever.... and just... unloading all this emotional damage.

This second time, we started discussing me... how I feel like I've lost myself... and here are two major revelations.

1) We were discussing feeling like I've lost myself... that I don't know who I am... and she asked me who I was before my abuse...

I honestly don't know... I feel like my entire teen years were dominated by sex. Having sex, finding sex, getting attention and love and acceptance through sex. There is nothing else in my core....

It makes me sad... but it's more like... an absence of emotion... I never knew that girl... so how can I miss her?

2) Sexual attention. We talked about the growing frequency of my consumption of erotic literature, masturbating, and creating my own erotic illustrations and stories... Like... when I first met my hubby, even though he wasn't giving me the TYPE of sexual attention I wanted... we did it so frequently that it didn't matter... I was still getting fulfilled.

Then... it tapered... and I started masturbating more. Then it tapered more... and I started drawing erotic pictures.... Until now I feel like that is all I think about.

She asked if that was enough, and I said no. It's not just coming, having an orgasm... it's about feeling connected sexually to another person. She asked if I had told this to my husband... and I have... but not so.... bluntly. She said I need to.

And I was like... yeah, but who wants to go home and be like... C'mon, let's have an open marriage.

---

Sigh... She's right.

But it's so scary... especially after I have tried to delicately bring this up to him before... and his response is "I'm not that person", "I never wanted an open marriage", "I am monogamous".... basically drawing a very definite line in the sand... so I am scared to broach it again with him.

---

Not sure what's going on in my life.....

Kimberly122708

Freefall

Got an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. it was all I could do to not cry on the phone with her.

Husband and I had a nice, well no..we both cried, we both were upset...but we talked. I told him I was lonely and unhappy. I told him what I need...and it was so fucking hard to say out loud to him... I told him about the need to be possessed... And he said that isn't me. I know it isn't... He said things that translated to me as, fucking destroy everything by cheating, or leave, cause that ain't me. He said, I know that's what you hear, but that's not what I mean.. But I don't know what he means either.

He loves me, he wants to be with me... He said we could go to counseling together...and we are going to.

I just don't want to feel doomed. Doomed to hurt someone, doomed to destroy my marriage....

Yeah...tomorrow at 2. I hate this. Feeling like this.

Kimberly122708

So... I have been trying to communicate to my husband in a non-threatening, non-aggressive, husband-friendly way... that I NEED sex, sexual attention. That I NEED specific types of sex/sexual attention... and he is trying his best...

But he just made me so angry last night. We were laying in bed, and I was trying to initiate sexy time... and there finally came a point where I just had to stop, because I was getting so hurt, angry, whatever. Here I was, writhing next to him, so ready for our sexy night, trying to be coy and touch his thigh/whatever... and he just lays there. He doesn't touch me. He doesn't look at me. That's his standard sexy pose... laying still, not making noise, eyes closed.

I just feel so... invisible. And I KNOW that it is probably a mental issue on MY part.. Because, he got hard, we had sex, he came... so it wasn't like I didn't get what I wanted. And he DID touch me, say things to me, use words and stuff that I like... but.. I still just feel like it's a fucking chore to him.

I know it's not... and I have tried to tell him over and over again... I NEED ATTENTION. LOOK at me. Talk TO me. Fucking pay attention to me!!!

I feel like I want to wrap myself around his legs like a whiny toddler, and not let go until he promises to do it.

It terrifies me -- what I might do if I keep feeling this way.

See, then that's where I get angry at him again. WHY SHOULD I FEEL ASHAMED FOR SOMETHING 'I MIGHT DO', when it's something I wouldn't HAVE to do if he would just fucking pay attention to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Doesn't that make me a horrible bit*h? Like I'm saying, it's HIS fault if I leave him, cheat on him, whatever. But... when you try every way you know to communicate to your spouse what you need... and they just can't seem to figure out what you want/ or don't care (it is starting to feel this way...)......

Yeah... don't mind me, just complaining about my marriage. With my husband who is trying his best to be what I need, to give me what I need. Yeah. Let me just wallow in some more self pity. Fucking great.

Ugh. Yeah. Just working through some shit.

Kimberly122708

So I was spending time with my in-laws this evening... dinner (delicious), and company.

I'm not sure what was said to make me feel this way... but I feel the need to rant a little... vent a little.. in a safe environment so that I won't hurt the ones I love.

When someone hasn't been through a traumatic event - abusive parents, volatile divorce perhaps, sexual assault... something that changes how you interact with the world. Makes you inherently -dysfunctional... you are constantly having to ignore the inner voice, and even if you feel like you've buried it, worked through it, FINALLY are done with it... it sometimes pops up and is just as horrible as the first time. Yes.. these instances become fewer and farther between.. and don't last as long. But they still gut punch you. You still feel the rug pulled out from under you - the freefall. You still feel reverted back to that emotional age. Even typing it, trying to put it into words... my stomach drops.. my throat gets all tingly, like I could cry... well... my man.. my lovie.. HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THAT. He has never lived through that.

I mean... yes, he has had difficulties. He has his own issues - everyone does. But he never had his parent abandon him, destroy his entire family... his world... at such a tender age. He never had his parent leave, move away, lie, seemingly give zero fucks about what his children wanted. We weren't stupid, we knew how to articulate our feelings to him, and we DID. Even when it was terrifying... right (or wrong) my mom made us kids tell him if we didn't want to see him. And we all went to therapy through the divorce, and me for years afterwards... But my husband has both his biological parents, still together, in his life. They both love him, support him, and have ALWAYS been right in his life/by his side... my mom was there... what we went through bonded her and us kids...

So I guess what I'm getting at is... I get really frustrated because he really doesn't understand when I talk about what I went through... or when I say things like, "I'm broken", or "I will always be hurt on the inside... even if it heals a little... it will never go away" he tells me that isn't true, he doesn't believe me. So he isn't trying to be mean.. he knows I am damaged, am hurt, and has enthusiastically encouraged me to get counseling now... he has been, as best he can, supportive and understanding of what I'm currently going through...

But he doesn't get it. HE DOESN'T. And he can't qualify it, explain it away, make it vanish, or "cure" it. I can't either... it's like I got my foot cut off... Yes I have a pretty good prosthetic foot.. and I can walk and function normally... but I have a stump. (Sorry if I offended anyone with a prosthetic foot!!)

I will never have two whole feet. I will never be whole. My husband operates in the world from a place of love, trust, acceptance, and overall tolerance - again, he does have his own demons/issues... but overall he had a supportive loving childhood.

I operate from a place of mistrust, constant anticipation and anxiety, fucked up sexuality and self-image and fixation on men... I can, and do, function very well. But I got married too young, I think... and I got married to someone better than me, someone who wasn't broken inside.

I don't know... I'm just frustrated. Maybe I'm just irritable because of the humidity... maybe I'm just irritable because summer vacation is almost here and I've been super stressed all year...

It just got to me, or it's getting to me...

Anyway, I know I'm lucky to have him. He is my best friend. He knows me, has seen me in my weakest moments. He challenges me to be better. He stands up to me when I need to be told to think rationally. He loves me through my crazy shit... he is himself, and he's still with me.

Remember that K-dog... remember that. Better yet. Go fucking tell him yourself how much you appreciate him.

Kimberly122708

Weekend...

Waiting for the weekend to really "start". I have a friend coming upstate to visit me... someone who I haven't hung out with in almost a year, it'll be fun to hang out with her.

Why do I feel so.. non-enthused? I have a long weekend... I don't have to go and be around P at my mom's house.... all in all a fairly good weekend...

I guess I'm also really stressed about next year, upcoming summer break, summer school..... my job. I am happy I will be doing summer school - a little more pay is fine by me - but I get nervous about planning for next year. I never feel like I'm covering the standards which I am required to cover...

I've also been thinking a lot about grammar, incorporating grammar and mechanics into my curriculum... but I didn't even understand grammar when I was in school. Yes, I am an ELA teacher, but my area of interest is in creative writing, or reading comprehension. Basically literature, discussing literature, and expressing yourself thru writing. I mean, obviously I grasp grammar... I write according to "the rules"... but trying to figure out how to teach those "rules" when I don't fully understand them is daunting.

Part of my professional development this year was teaching grammar... and I just felt like I was not doing what I needed to be doing. I know it was fine... but I care about my job... and I care about doing everything to the best of my ability.

Yeah... teacher thoughts.... sorry. It's like my mind just hovers in two spheres - sex and work.

- - - -

OK, now here comes some ranting/complaining/etc....

Sometimes I feel so invisible at home. I know G loves me. I know he does.... but when he is playing his videogame, reading about the game, or whatever... it's like I come home, and sit... waiting for him to pay attention to me.

How can I get him to give me more attention without bugging him, pressuring him... or pestering him? He's pretty easy going... but when you "nag" him about stuff, he is more inclined to do the opposite... so how do I get him to pay attention to me. I've jokingly told him, I'm going to give you a word requirement - like you have to say 20 words to me a day. It was a joke... but he didn't think it was funny.

So that's like... ok dude... I'm trying to communicate what I need. YES, I recognize that you need space, yes, you need to think and stew and not just hash it out right then.... but I get so frustrated... doesn't he understand that I need attention and communication????

I don't know, just frustrating. Like I said... I KNOW he loves me.

- - -

I've not brought up any of this.... sexual tension/frustration/etc with him since earlier this week... I am scared to open that door again... last time he was mad, frustrated, and we did get into a "fight", even though we were ok again by the time we went to bed.

I worry that he thinks this is "over"... but I feel like it's kinda just beginning....

- - -

Yeah so, my mom called to talk about our plans this weekend. We're meeting up at the lake house - no douche bag zone - and I just wanted to solidify when. Anyway, she tried to talk to me about it. About him. That she was proud of me for being able to talk about it, and that I tell my students about assault - that consent must be ENTHUSIASTIC consent, otherwise that is assault. Whether it is words, touches, or actions... anyway, that's all nice. It was, awkward.. but I appreciate that she at least brought it up... brought up that she is planning on firing him as soon as she has a replacement..

Ok... yeah... and then she goes into, and she's just telling me, "not that this is an excuse or whatever", but how he is going to church and going to counseling.

What am I supposed to say to that... like, oh good for him? Or... I don't know... I just prefer that he not be in my life/mind/heart at ALL.

And just think, he has sat there and told my mom of his horrible life... how he regrets how he's acted in the past(what actions.. who knows..), that he and his wife cheated on each other, yadda yadda....

I don't get why she wanted to tell me, and I don't get why... like... fuck him. I don't know. That's great that he can get help... that he can improve himself. Anyone can do that, and most "bad" people have had to go thru some kind of trauma... I am doing it. But anyway, I genuinely do hope that he IS trying to heal... everyone deserves that. But - I DON'T FUCKING CARE. But I do... kinda... I mean, I do and don't hate him. And I do and don't love him.

- - -

I was asking my sister if she remembered when P started like... showering me with so much affection... My best guess is 11 or 12. Let's say I was 12, or even 13 when he first touched me sexually, she said that then he would have been 16 or 17. And I'm almost positive we had sex when I was 15, so that would make him 19. Does that matter? It's strange how little of my adolescence is clear to me. I mean, I remember like... specific events... but the actual details and ages seem hazy. Maybe that's just normal... does it matter at all?

I asked her if that was normal... me liking him, him flirting (kinda) with me. She said that when she was that age, an older boy would kinda "like" her, but she said the difference was that they never touched her - not even to throw her in the river.

So that makes P pulling me onto his lap and hugging me... did he ever do anything more than that before he came to me on the couch... I don't remember.

God I hate him, because it's like even thinking about that shit makes me feel all sexually flustered.

I wonder if he knows that my mom knows as much as she knows... and she doesn't know much... or... I don't know if she knows the details... So when he's having those "heart to heart" convos about him improving his life... do they know how skewed my own life became after those first attentions... and the real shitter is that I did like it.. and that doesn't make me any less a victim. I never really realized that he was THAT much older, that he knew it probably wasn't ok... So since I... since I loved him, it's like... I can't hate him, but I do hate him, because all he ever did was hurt me, use me, and lie. Maybe that's what I'm stuck on..

I believed that maybe he would marry me... I imagined it back then. It wasn't just a one time thing, him telling me he would marry me, he did it a few times, and usually in front of other people.. coupled with the hugs or pulling me on his lap.

Ugh, fuck him.

I have to remind myself that the life, this real, healthy, generally happy life I have with my G is so much better than what P could have given me. He would never have helped me find myself, and work through my shit over and over and over like G does.

That's the other fucked up thing - back to self blame - what right do I have to complain about what I have? What right do I have to think dangerous thoughts that seem so fucked up and shameful that I am doomed to wreck my relationship with G.

But I'm not. I'm not. I have always been honest, will always be honest - as much as I feel comfortable... Shit, this is where I spew the thoughts as they come to me.. it seems really fucking dangerous if I do that to my sweet G.

Yeah... should try to get into friend/hang out mode... lol

Kimberly122708

Lies...

Last time made me so uncomfortable, driving down to the campground... imaging what P would look like, and what his reaction would be.

It made me physically ill, but excited. I tried to explain that to my husband the last time we had a decent honest conversation, the other night, about all this. I can't tell him that I had a brief fantasy about P... about getting back together with him. I don't want that, not really. It's like when I think about P I get sucked back into being that 11-15 year old girl... I can't help myself, he is so tall and kind to me. He pays attention to me, he smiles at me in a special way....

(Am I wrong to say it's been a while since G smiled at me that way? That secret, you're mine; you're my girl kind of look/smile.)

Anyway, I was all upset, freaked out, ashamed, excited, disgusted, hurt..... all that shit when driving down and thinking these things about P.... it wasn't like that anyway. He was going out past me as I was coming in saying something like "Hey Kimmy!!", and I said "Hey" back to him, but I am pretty good at putting off "DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME" vibes. I almost feel like he swallowed the happy and excited greeting as soon as I passed the threshold of the door and into the store, or as soon as I responded. Not quite what I imagined.

I didn't see him after that...

But anyway, today I've been getting asked by my family if I am going down there this weekend.... I had originally planned to. I (sickly) kind of want to - to see him again... I don't know why. Either way, I have decided not to go. It's too fucked up. Besides, I'm already stressing myself out already with trying to figure myself out, and grow in my relationship with G....

I told my stepdad first, easy. Then I texted my sister (thought about talking to her on the phone.. but knew I would probably cry...) told her why. She understands and asks if I want her to punch P in the c*ck. I love her, I appreciate her support SO MUCH. I want to see her too (coming from out of state.. and my nieces..)... but.. anyway it's fucked up. Because how do I say; I think maybe I still kind of love him (gag)?

Anyway, almost as soon as I got home, my mom was calling me. I knew, as soon as I saw who was calling, that she was going to ask if I was coming down this weekend. I immediately felt ill. I looked at G and said, I'm going to lie to her about why I am not coming.

I don't know why I felt like I needed to lie about that.

Happily... she didn't press when I said I wasn't able to. She also brought up that she was hiring a new boy... I wonder if she is hiring a new boy so she can fire P. Last time she said P's name around me, she looked at me kinda guilty and was like, "I'm only using him you know.."

Maybe I'm reading too much into it...

I feel MUCH better now having it out in the open that I am not going. But I don't understand why I felt like I should lie about it.

TW

What is wrong with a person when they have amazing sex with their partner... Passionate, where their partner is trying to accommodate and give them what they need. Exciting, thrilling, new sex - trying things with eachother that they haven't before... but it's not enough? I didn't cum, I couldn't... usually that doesn't happen... but I was really worked up and excited by trying the new things - plus I was focusing a lot on what we were doing, not just cumming. It was great... he is great.

I know there is nothing "wrong" with me... but it's hard. It's like, he is everything I could ever ask for... so kind, so caring... tries his best to be understanding... why am I.... still.... like this.

Ugh...

I'm excited for school to be over soon, but I also worry about all the time I'll have on my hands. Not that I'm going to go out and do stupid shit... but I feel very overwhelmed and consumed by all I'm feeling.

Kimberly122708

D.o.n.e.

Sometimes I wish my students would appreciate that I am a human being.

I cannot deal with any more youth drama today. I have my own drama in my life.

Thank goodness school's out next week.

I also have to remind myself.... they bring me these issues because I am a safe place. Just wish it wasn't a constant barrage of drama and emotional overload- it seems like today was so dramatic.

Tired.

Kimberly122708

Extreme content - mind rambles and just trying to work through this.

Mother fucking fuck.

I don't understand why these... memories... this.. .this fucking life altering moment when P fucking fuck face made me his. Sick, made me HIS??!?! I don't understand why these memories have now made me have to realize that I'm.... what.. what? So fucking preoccupied by sex and men sexualizing me? It breaks my heart typing those words.

It breaks my heart because who the FUCK takes this shit and uses it in a way that is so.... misunderstood.

My mom always used to tell me that she'd slap me if she found out I was having sex before marriage. Ha. hahaha. Sorry that I was not only having sex by age 15, but with multiple partners - unsafe sex I might add, until I met my G. At age 18.

Anyway, why any of that matters, who the fuck knows.

Why does this shit just open up another Pandora's box full of sexual desires and utter wanton fantasies that... yes, I knew I had them... but I didn't want to become consumed by them. I feel like I'm being consumed by them.

I feel ever the more shameful about being... sexually excited by these things, these interactions... I'm trying so hard to be truthful and open through this healing process with my husband... but I don't know that he wants to deal with this shit... or if he can.

Fuck this fuck that fuck everything.

Kimberly122708

I might go down to my mom's campground this coming weekend, Memorial Weekend.

If I think about it too long, my belly gets all.... filled with butterflies, gets upset. I get excited. Like I'm going on a date.

I'm NOT. I am NOT going on a fucking date with him. I am married to a man, a GOOD man. I hate him so much for being in my heart still.

I don't want to be.... excited at the prospect of seeing him. What kind of a masochist am I? Seriously, I am happy (aren't I?), loved, and supported.

Blah blah blah blah blah. I fucking hate him. I fucking hate that the memory of him, of what we had, is still making me feel like a inexperienced girl. That I LIKE feeling this way again. I've been waiting to feel this way again.

I'm sorry G, I'm so sorry you're with me... how could you still love me when I am letting my mind run free with these fantasies?

I hate myself right now. I hate P, but I hate myself more. He didn't put these thoughts in my head, I am the one letting myself go down these roads....

I just wish I didn't have to deal with this. I want to see my mom/sisters next weekend... but I really don't want to be around him at all.

Not only because I hate him, but because I am scared of myself being around him...

Kimberly122708

I think I dreamt about him last night.

I'm just really frustrated at myself. Like... now that I'm finally FINALLY able to view my.... past (I wanted so bad to write "relationship") for what it actually was - coercion, using his age and counting on me already being half in love with him. I am just now, like 12 years after I even gave him more than a passing thought... and now suddenly it's like, he's all I can think about.

I hate that I find myself wondering if he thinks of me. That since he sent me a facebook friend request, he had to look at a picture of me, and read my name. What do I mean to him? He means so much to me - I don't want him to, but he does. I hate that I might not register as anything more than a tiny blip on his radar. Some slutty girl who was easy, who he got off with... Does he even remember the way we used to meet up after we "hung out" with the larger group?

Does he remember ignoring me, flirting with other girls, hurting me with every smile, every comment, every glance that wasn't given to ME.... but then finding me ready and willing later?

Why do I care if he remembers? Why do I care AT ALL?!?!

I guess I am just.... floundering. I've been journaling a lot - but a lot of it disturbs me, and seems really inappropriate for this forum, for anyone to read. I want to express this stuff... but I feel so shameful to talk about it.

Blah blah blah. I was listening to Maroon5 yesterday.... it was speaking to me. This song especially -

"Tangled"

I'm full of regret

For all things that I've done and said

And I don't know if it'll ever be ok to show

My face 'round here

Sometimes I wonder if I disappear

Would you ever turn your head and look

See if I'm gone

Cause I fear

There is nothing left to say to you

That you wanna hear

That you wanna know

I think I should go

The things I've done are way too shameful

Your just innocent

A helpless victim of a spider's web

And I'm an insect

Goin after anything that I can get

So you better turn your head and run

And don't look back

Cause I fear

There is nothing left to say

To you

That you wanna hear

That you wanna know

I think I should go

The things I've done are way too shameful

[x2]

And I've done you so wrong

Treated you bad

Strung you along

Oh shame on myself

I don't know how I got so tangled up

Kimberly122708

So yeah. I am really embarassed to admit some of these fantasies...I am constantly thinking them, but I haven't admitted some of them to my husband. Some, but,not the ones I am afraid of, shamed by... Secretly thrilled by.

It's like I got my first sexual awakening, and that's all I want, from anybody. Yes of course I want stability, yes I want a partner, YES I want all these things... But I also want to be overly sexual. It isn't enough, being in my monogamous relationship. BAD Kimmy..that is probably the most shameful thing I have admitted. I want to make it work.. Desperately. I want to fulfill my sultry desires in a way that still allows my husband to love me; without hurting him.

I have thought about creating an erotic blog, like...to just unleash all these thoughts. Is it wrong that I am really thrilled by the thought of strangers reading my words and,being excited by them ?

What the fuck is wrong with me... I feel like a predator myself. I have NEVER acted on these thoughts... NEVER even admitted some of them to living people...

I am just scared, scared of me. I feel like this site is helping me find others like me, but it is also terrifying. I have never admitted these things to myself...so discussing them here makes them real.

Why can't I just be happy with what I have?

Kimberly122708

So, I'm trying to work through why I am like I am... is there something broken inside that led to this? Am I a perverted person? Is it wrong to be perverted? I feel like the right answer to that has to be YES. Good people aren't like this, proper, respectable people don't think these thoughts, have these desires. It's gross, I feel gross, because then by that logic... I AM wrong. Bad.

I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say either.... so I guess I'll just go right into it... TW/GRAPHIC - you really don't have to keep reading.

So like, ever since I knew what my parts were for, I was masturbating. I used all kinds of things, really anything that got me off. Bathtub, toothbrush and hairbrush handles, couches, backs of chairs, decorative glass bottles... and as often as I could get away with it.

Again, that *get away with it*.... am I truly disgusting for being into masturbation? I walk a constant line of I think the thought, get turned on, feel shame, repeat.

Then I discovered the internet and flirting online - nothing serious, I never was brave enough. Then boys started paying attention to me.... the dates are all so confusing, my teen years are all jumbled... Let me work through this...

First "boyfriend" - 5th grade, Jarrod. We went on a date (with my family) and we got "married" on the playground. Not even hand holding.

Then middle school (7th and 8th grade?) Brett. We held hands on the bus to Cedar Point, then we talked about it on AIM afterwards - sweet, innocent, and we actually kissed too! After being dared by friends, of course!

So this is where it gets fuzzy... because I know this is when P and I first started interacting... or were we always? It seems like I remember being so young and having this older boy fawn over me. But when?

P. He was my first real sexual encounter with a boy. I loved it - I think. I mean, I clearly remember him telling me "I love how you're shaking" (right now I hear him whispering that to me, and I feel warm - I hate myself) he touched my breasts and maybe fingered me, and it was the first time I felt a penis.

Daniel - (but I honestly don't remember if he was before or after P....) we dated, we would go to the church's baseball field behind my house and make out. Dry hump, fingering and handjobs... he asked me for sex once, but I said no, and he never pushed. Why didn't I let him? (that's why I sometimes think it was before I was with P) - We also used my old elementary school playground as a secluded spot to mess around. Oh, it must have been 9th or 10th grade because I could drive and I would drive him home sometimes. So that was after I had had sex with P. Why didn't I let Daniel?

Chris. Very sweet, and never pressured me. He was also older, but truly a gentleman. He had had sex before (I think) but he let me set the pace and wouldn't push. He offered stuff, he offered once to eat me out (in a teasing/off hand way) but I didn't get it at the time, and he sensed my inexperience and it never happened. I get it now.

P. Letting P have sex with me on the night of Chris' dad's funeral. How much I despise that I was there. Did I let it happen? Didn't I know what an erect penis would do if it was near my vagina? But still, "somehow" it happened. Immediately afterwards I went upstairs and cried/puked. But didn't I also like it? Did I? I don't remember... Also don't remember exact dates, but also had a series of encounters with P. No relationship - just fuck buddies I guess. I sure wanted him to love me, be my boyfriend, marry me like he said he would. Not sure when/how that ended...but eventually it did.

This is where I feel like I just... slept with anyone who would sleep with me. It's just a cycle of - date a guy who'll fuck me, fuck some guy for fun, use a guy friend who was really kind for sexual encounters with no real intentions, attempt and be rejected by other male friends for sex... I honestly can't remember who came before who... so I'm just going to do my best to go through them...

Chris2 - Actually respected me and tried to love me. I used him. Let him finger me and get me off, but not actually date him. I feel really shitty about this... he was genuinely a nice guy, and I feel really bad about leading him on and using him like that. I burned a bridge there.

Nick - Also used him for sex. I didn't ever actually LIKE him. He was annoying, immature, and frankly... a little stupid. He was willing to mess around with me, though, and had a nice body. So that whole thing was pretty much me using him for sex, maybe he thought we were dating - I didn't really care.

Campground guy - I don't even remember his name... but I met him at my mom's campground, hung out all night around a fire with him... and the next morning flashed my panties at him and his friend on the swing by the river. We exchanged numbers, and I drove 2 hours to visit him on three or four occasions (he never drove to see me, I just realized... what a fucking dummy I am). We watched porn together, we got eachother off orally and with our hands. We did stuff while his friend (the one I flashed) and his girlfriend did stuff - had sex? - on the other end of the basement. I clearly remember his friend commenting on how he liked how loud I was. I feel sick that I am almost proud of being like that... and still kinda like it? Don't know why that ended... but I do also remember once leaving his house at like 4am after his mom called down the basement stairs "Campground guy, it's time for your friend to go home." Your friend. Ha.

Warren - younger than me. Inexperienced, afraid to even let me touch his naked penis or see it. Believe me, I tried. Lots of phone sex, parking behind the old school to make him cum in his pants. His mom hated me, or at least I felt like she hated me. I broke up with him after a while... Looking back... I wonder if I dumped him because he wouldn't have sex...

Ryan - I really liked him. He was just the right amount of physically attractive, aloof/di*k, sensitive, and dangerous. He had a utility van, and we would fuck in the back of it all the time. We went on dates too, but I was always fast forwarding in my head to being dominated by this guy. I remember setting up an elaborate lie so one weekend when my family was up at the campground, we stayed at our other house alone. I went to Germany that summer as an exchange student.... sidestory - I got drunk at the disco one night in Berlin, and one of the other US boys, Kurt, came back to my hotel room with a US girl, Tracy. We got in bed and started making out... did I make out with Tracy? If I did, I let her do most the work... I wasn't/am not into girls... Maybe she left at some point? But I know I jacked Kurt off and he fingered me. It ended when another student came in the room and was like, "Mr P says everyone has to go to their own rooms!". I'm terrible. Nothing more after that. I came back to the US, and Ryan dumped me the next day. Ironically, or was it karma, he had cheated on me while I was gone with an ex girlfriend, and he was getting back with her.

Café Guy - Another one whose name I don't exactly recall...I met him at a café in highschool listening to a local band play. He showed interest, which meant I was all about it. We left the café and found a path in the woods (how fucking stupid can I be). We went in the bushes and made out with some heavy petting. He broke my bra in his efforts to get it off, and I left it in the woods. I don't remember what friend it was, but some friend admonished me about leaving with him that night. Then we started "dating", or at least he wanted to be dating. He was nuts. His family was extremely religious, and he was constantly asking me to attend church with him. I found it weird how he was so religious, but not above having a quickie (and I do mean quickie..) in his parent's house. We also were messing around in his car in the church nextdoor to my house and a cop was called on us. The cop made him get in the cop car. He said Café Guy said I was his girlfriend, and was I? I didn't want to get anyone in trouble, and I was mortified, so I said I was, even though I didn't consider myself that, or call myself that. The cop asked where I lived, and I said nextdoor... He chastised me, told me to go home. Let us off with a warning I guess. I couldn't let café guy into my house seeing as my siblings were home, but it was summer, so we fucked in the backyard on the trampoline. I ended up basically telling him to fuck off and leave me alone- that we weren't dating and I didn't like him. I feel bad because I used him for sex, and then ditched him when he wasn't getting me off anymore.

And then there was my G. I knew I was going to this college, and a friend offered to have me come visit him. You know, check it out. SIDEBAR - is it interesting that this friend was best friends with P growing up? Does that matter at all? - So my best friend came with me, and we three were hanging in a hotel room. My friend suggests we call his friend G to hang with us. We call him up, go to his house to meet him, and he comes to the hotel room later. Of course we were drinking, I don't really remember who started hitting on who, but I'm sure it was me. I basically threw myself at him until he relented and had sex with me. But I had to convince him, he was very apprehensive of having sex, but in the end I got what I wanted. I immediately pursued G, and we started dating, and we've been married 7 years.

Looking through this, having actually had to stop, rewrite, think back, rewrite... I am realizing how intertwined my natural(?) sexual urges were fucked by being used by P. Like... instead of just being a super sexually driven woman and being healthy in that... I feel disgusting for being that. I still enjoy sex, masturbating, fantasizing, reading erotic literature sometimes online. But there is always this underlying shame in it all.

Then I get scared. I've almost been married a decade, and I've never been with one guy for this long.

Recently G and I met some poly people. They were fun, different, exciting. Their "leader" - why didn't I see how fucking despicable he was- took an interest in me. Commenting on my body, lingering hugs, flirty texts hinting at a dom/sub thing. Basically inviting us to play with them. G wanted nothing to do with that. He let the leader do his flirty shit because he knew I wanted it. I feel like such a shitty human being for putting him through that - for having the audacity to do it and know that if our roles were reversed, I would raise holy hell. It's terribly unfair to him, yet he still loves me. We ended our "friendship" with them when their creepiness and cultish vibe, and utter toxic controlling leader showed his true colors. You know, telling me that if a woman was elected president, we were basically asking for terrorist attacks(the fuck?) and telling me he was sorry I didn't love myself enough to wear high heals, revealing clothes, and do my makeup and hair. Again, the tangled web where he acted just like my father - why didn't I see it? Ah... because he was offering sexual attention.

I don't know if this forum is the right place for this. I don't even know what I want to get out of writing this. I just want to live free of shame. I don't want to hurt my husband or disrespect him and our relationship. But I am sexually frustrated and I'm nervous about it. I'm scared of myself.

I'm sorry... if you read this, I understand if you find me gross. I kinda feel gross right now. Plus now P is back, so I'm remembering our trysts (did I just call them trysts?!)... not that I didn't before... but before it was in the past, so I felt safer looking through the window of time. Why can't I just be me and be ok being me? I don't want to be ashamed, but I can't stop these thoughts/fantasies.

Kimberly122708

My Story

So this is my first real attempt to talk openly about my past.

It all started when I was 11 or 12. My family owns a business, and a young man worked for us; I will call him "P". He was probably 15/16 when this all started happening.

For years, he would touch me (friendly, but.... with meaning), hug me, tell me he loved me, that I was his favorite and he would marry me. As a young girl, I think it's fairly fitting to say I thought I loved him. This type of.... flirting(?) and interactions continued for at least a year... probably closer to two.

One night, he was staying the night at my mom's house. I was most likely 14 or 15, and he was around 17 (I have done a good job of blocking this from my memory, so the actual dates/ages are lost...).

I was laying on the couch, and he came over and laid next to me. He started touching me, kissing me, and fondling me. I was terrified (he told me he liked how I was shivering/shaking), but excited. It was my first ever sexual experience other than touching myself. I don't remember anything other than him touching my breasts and kissing me. Afterwards I wrote about it in my diary and was over the moon.

Things kinda settled down (again, this memory block prevents me from really seeing what happened), and I ended up dating a different boy. We had sexual encounters (no sexual intercourse, but almost everything else). This boy's father passed away after battling cancer, and we all attended the funeral. After the services, P came to stay the night at my mom's house. P, myself, and my girlfriend were sleeping in sleeping bags in the living room. My girlfriend fell asleep, and all I remember is P suddenly next to me. He began kissing me and touching me. Then we were having sex. I didn't really know how that happened, and it was over really quickly. Afterwards, I went upstairs and threw up, and cried myself to sleep because I was disgusting.

Even writing this... I have never shared that I cheated on this poor boy... on the eve of his dad's funeral.... I still feel horribly ashamed and angry at myself. I feel disgusting..

Well.... later that year (or the next year... I can't remember) this boy and I broke up. Again, the timeframes are missing... but that following summer, P and I began a non-relationship.

By non-relationship, I mean that he would ignore me during the day, but at night he would come to me for sex. He stopped telling me he loved me, he stopped flirting with me in public... but he would hit on ANYONE else in front of me. My step-sister, my friends, customers, other employees.... any female - he was all over it.

We would use my mom's house, her store, and his house. This non-relationship went on for between 2.5 and 3 years. There was no talking, no laughing or playing around or going on dates... we just had sex. I remember being hurt over and over and over again when he would openly flirt, comment on, or check out other girls (I'm bigger, so this also really dampened my self esteem when he would check out girls in bikinis when I wasn't comfortable in one...) and then use me for sex later.

There was one instance where he asked me to come over because he had rented a porno. I was game, and came over. He started the movie, climbed on top of me, and turned his whole head around so he could watch the women on the tape rather than look at me. I don't know how close to the end of this "relationship" that incident was.... but it was eye-opening for me; the fact that I meant NOTHING to him. Other than a willing hole. I felt disgusting and dirty and embarrassed.

Again, I don't even remember how we "broke things off", or when exactly. But I cut him out of my life. I didn't see him, talk to him, hear about him, nothing. I moved on - or so I thought.

Now, in 2015, my mom hired him again.

I am feeling very overwhelmed by all these feelings that come along with this new development.

1) I'm hurt because my mom is helping him by giving him a job

- He deserves nothing from my family

- this means my mom talks about P a lot.... which is upsetting

2) Why do I still care/why am I still effected by this?

3) I am ashamed to even hint that it was sexual assault.

-we had a sexual encounter before to which we both consented (I guess?)

-the first time we had sex I was cheating.... I don't know why, but I feel like that negates everything.

-we had an ongoing thing for years.....

4) I'm happily married to a fantastic, caring, supportive man.

-I am so ashamed that my husband has to hear about this

-He doesn't deserve to have to listen to me figure out all this

-I'm married.... so shouldn't I move on?

5) There are more... but I can't even decipher what is what.

----

I finally came clean to my sister (about 2 years ago), and she has always maintained that it was a form of assault (I was not of an age to consent, and he used me).... she has helped me realize that keeping it inside/secret wasn't good.

Last month, I was eating dinner with my mom and she was going on and on about P. I finally told her; "I really don't want to hear anything about P." - which led to a short conversation with my mom about why I had said that.

(I had told her in my HS years -vaguely- about what happened, and her immediate response was; "Well what, did he rape you?!!" - needless to say, I didn't bring it up to her again.)

So during this (2015) conversation with my mom, she again immediately asked if I was saying he raped me. Again, I shut down the conversation (although I did try to explain a little more about what happened).

I called my sister afterwards, and she took it upon herself to communicate to my mom what happened - so that I wouldn't have to deal with her questions/tones/etc. My sister did have this conversation, and while I do feel my mom has a better understanding of what happened... the fact remains that he is working for her.

I saw him last Saturday. He saw me and exclaimed, "Kimmy!!!!" all excited.... I politely said "Hey" and scurried into the house.

---

I guess that's it. I don't even know.

I am really struggling with accepting that this was a form of sexual assault. Typing that makes me feel like I'm lying. Was I just a sl*t?

All these experiences definitely contributed to me becoming hyper-sexually active. I would put myself in dangerous situations (met a guy at a coffee shop, go outside and lay in the woods to get busy), and offer my body to men who didn't deserve it, and wouldn't respect me.

My husband and I had sex the first time we met. I initiated it. I offered.

I feel so ashamed and disgusted.... was it assault? Was it just "boys will be boys", and "you made a bad choice too"?

I don't know.

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