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    gracek1163@ hotmail.com

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  1. Kimberly122708


    I can't help but beat myself up.... I know... I recognize that it is depression... that it is the resurgence of fucked up feelings/desires and impulses that have been with me my entire life... things I'm ashamed of... been repressing, haven't been exploring or dealing with them... and... I know that a lot of my.... feeling scared... anxious... and quite frankly... recently I just want to... end. Not that I'm going to do anything to hurt myself physically... I'm not capable of that.. but... I am so tired of fighting.. of trying... I'm scared... lonely... whatever. Anyway... My husband and I ha
  2. Yeah so... my family (mom and stepdad, sisters and their husbands, kids, and my bro and and step bro and now even my grandparents and aunt and uncle and cousins... so anyway, we renting this lake house... and...we're getting (slowly) we're getting ready to go on this week long retreat. So.. I know it will be fun. It will be fun to see my nieces... it will be fun to see my sisters, my nephew, my brother... even my extended family... I know it will be so much fun... but... I'm a lot leery of being around all of them in a large group like that. I... they know about my... abuse. The nature of it.
  3. So. People have always told me that I'm powerful. That I'm strong. Brave. I... I have never really believed it. Because... I'm so terrified on the inside. So... anxious. I'm constantly waiting for people to hurt me. Part of it has to do with my dad being emotionally abusive in front of me (truly do not recall him ever being like that directly to me), and then feeling abandoned when they got divorced. Then the assault/abusive relationship that started in the same time as the divorce. Combined with my mom getting remarried fairly soon thereafter... I mean... all these things have made me isolate
  4. I'll just add too... now it's the weekend, so of course I let him sleep in as much as he needs to (I mean, just because I have the summer off doesn't mean that everyone else does) so it's cool to me for him to sleep in until 11:30. But I just...all day today, I'm like... "So what's up?" "What do you want to do today?" "You feeling ok?" Just.... every time I try to start a conversation with him... he's so... fucking distant. And we're going to go over to his parent's house for dinner... and I know he'll be all chatty and full of life and words and jokes.... It's really hard not to get jealous
  5. More and more... the more I'm going to therapy... the more I live my life.... I'm just... Ok... so... yes he is trying (husband). He is.... but.... he still doesn't get that I need him, more than ever. To be around me, to talk to me, to look at me, to hold me, etc, etc, etc, etc.... and he gets mad at me when I get hurt because he isn't. I'm just so tired of begging him to give me what I need... I feel like that's all I've been doing. And... we have pretty extreme your family vs. my family bullshit going on. I don't know how it started... but it's just gotten worse. It's like any time either o
  6. Kimberly122708


    So... life has this way of sucker punching you. Although recently I have become more distant from reality... which I am realizing is fucking dangerous... it's not so much... distant from reality, because I am aware of my life, but more... just... being ambivalent about it, and even if I feel the emotions, I'm not overwhelmed by them.. I've carried them for so long.. I feel... just... yeah. So.. my mom just called. The man who has worked for her, for my family since we moved here and bought the business, Rick, just died. Suddenly, unexpectedly. He was one of those... kinda creepy... criminal re
  7. I am so sick of feeling invisible. Let me try to break apart the different ways in which I feel invisible. Sexually - For the past two years. maybe for a few years leading up to that too, my husband's and my sexual relationships has changed... has tapered off. Now, I know that's normal... but it's almost like... I am apprehensive to say or do ANYTHING blatantly sexual, because he appears to get irritated and annoyed that I'm horny, again. So like... I have taken to basically being nudist in my house... because it's comfortable (we were never like that growing up...) but also because I like wa
  8. Thank you very much for saying that. It's... still strange, scary, and difficult. But... no matter what's happening.. I'm ok. He loves me, I love him... we are trying to figure this out. I'm really trying to remember that each day, each time I can open up to him... that means he might be able to. We actually had sex that he initiated. Said words that I liked, and I felt like he was present in trying to possess me. It was... better. I am trying to figure out a way to communicate it to him. Something more about... it is how I feel love and acceptance and that it's the way I connect... to make it
  9. So we had a big ass talk. My husband and I. I don't think my husband has fully understood the depth of my need for a man to possess me. Sexually,. to be submissive to a man. To be his precious thing. I'm realizing that a lot of it has to do with my family falling apart, and feeling abandoned by my dad. The one man who was supposed to be my number one, the one who was supposed to love me forever, who was supposed to cherish me, protect me, and teach me... he left. I was around 11 or 12... and I was searching for a man to fill that void. Enter P. A 16 or 17 year old. He showered me with attentio
  10. Kimberly122708


    So... I've had two therapy sessions... The first one was just an intake.. so it was like I was just crying, spewing shit I haven't said ever.... and just... unloading all this emotional damage. This second time, we started discussing me... how I feel like I've lost myself... and here are two major revelations. 1) We were discussing feeling like I've lost myself... that I don't know who I am... and she asked me who I was before my abuse... I honestly don't know... I feel like my entire teen years were dominated by sex. Having sex, finding sex, getting attention and love and acceptance through
  11. Got an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. it was all I could do to not cry on the phone with her. Husband and I had a nice, well no..we both cried, we both were upset...but we talked. I told him I was lonely and unhappy. I told him what I need...and it was so fucking hard to say out loud to him... I told him about the need to be possessed... And he said that isn't me. I know it isn't... He said things that translated to me as, fucking destroy everything by cheating, or leave, cause that ain't me. He said, I know that's what you hear, but that's not what I mean.. But I don't know what he m
  12. So... I have been trying to communicate to my husband in a non-threatening, non-aggressive, husband-friendly way... that I NEED sex, sexual attention. That I NEED specific types of sex/sexual attention... and he is trying his best... But he just made me so angry last night. We were laying in bed, and I was trying to initiate sexy time... and there finally came a point where I just had to stop, because I was getting so hurt, angry, whatever. Here I was, writhing next to him, so ready for our sexy night, trying to be coy and touch his thigh/whatever... and he just lays there. He doesn't touch me
  13. So I was spending time with my in-laws this evening... dinner (delicious), and company. I'm not sure what was said to make me feel this way... but I feel the need to rant a little... vent a little.. in a safe environment so that I won't hurt the ones I love. When someone hasn't been through a traumatic event - abusive parents, volatile divorce perhaps, sexual assault... something that changes how you interact with the world. Makes you inherently -dysfunctional... you are constantly having to ignore the inner voice, and even if you feel like you've buried it, worked through it, FINALLY are done
  14. Waiting for the weekend to really "start". I have a friend coming upstate to visit me... someone who I haven't hung out with in almost a year, it'll be fun to hang out with her. Why do I feel so.. non-enthused? I have a long weekend... I don't have to go and be around P at my mom's house.... all in all a fairly good weekend... I guess I'm also really stressed about next year, upcoming summer break, summer school..... my job. I am happy I will be doing summer school - a little more pay is fine by me - but I get nervous about planning for next year. I never feel like I'm covering the standards w
  15. Kimberly122708


    Last time made me so uncomfortable, driving down to the campground... imaging what P would look like, and what his reaction would be. It made me physically ill, but excited. I tried to explain that to my husband the last time we had a decent honest conversation, the other night, about all this. I can't tell him that I had a brief fantasy about P... about getting back together with him. I don't want that, not really. It's like when I think about P I get sucked back into being that 11-15 year old girl... I can't help myself, he is so tall and kind to me. He pays attention to me, he smiles at me
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