I want to talk... finally.

[spirit11]

I only recently started doing trauma therapy for an event that took place 19 years ago. The original event started a series of events that I replicated subconsciously, with alcohol, for many years after. As I have been doing this trauma therapy I am "waking up" and I want to talk about the events. This is very new for me... as for years I didn't even want to think about it. I went to many therapists and would sit stone cold and silent on their couches - at times even having them become upset with me for my silence.

I feel like what happened to me was so important in shaping my life - yet I've become hard on myself for not letting it go. Why can't I just "get over it?" Yet I still feel so protective over who I share this information with. I don't want to share it with my family and friends - I feel guilty and like they won't understand, or they might see me differently. In fact many of them know about it and I don't want to sound repetitive or give them the burden of hearing it yet again. Even the person I started dating recently is a psychotherapist and I don't even want to talk to them about it! It just feels so heavy.

This is how I showed up here. I need someone to talk to who gets it, who I can relate to. I want to start the process so that I can finally let go enough to heal. I don't want to dump my story on anyone. Most importantly, I want to help other women who have suffered from sexual trauma.

Also, can someone please direct me to the LGBT forum? Thank you.

 

[Poppy_]

Hi, @spirit11 - 

Welcome to After Silence! I'm sorry for the trauma you endured that brought you here, but I am glad you found us. I'm hoping you will be able to find some good healing and support here! I know it's hard to talk about, but I'm proud of you for taking a big step and reaching out here. 

There's no sense in trying to make yourself 'get over it' because that won't happen. Trauma is so complex and difficult - you can't be expected to heal overnight. We are all here helping and supporting you through this journey! Post whenever you feel ready

I will link the LGBT forum down below! If you have any questions, feel free to reach out to me! 

Hugs if you want them,
Poppy

http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/index.php?/forum/58-lgbt-and-questioning-forum/

[8888]

Welcome @spirit11 to After Silence.  I’m sorry for what brought you here but I’m happy you are here reaching out for support.  Good job taking this step in your healing process.  You are not alone and what happened to you wasn’t your fault.  People don't just "get over" trauma.  Healing can take some time but is most certainly possible and well worth it.  Take your time exploring here and post when you are ready.  If you have any questions feel free to message me. I see Poppy_ already got you the link to the LGBT forum.  I am LGBT so maybe I will see you there.  

[snmls]

Welcome @spirit11. 

I'm sorry for the trauma in your life that brought you here, but I'm glad you found the site.  Even though you experienced trauma many years ago, it does not make what happened to you any less valid.  There is no timeline for healing and it is very normal to take many years before you can really begin to process what happened.  The important thing is that you can and will heal from this.  We are all here to support you and you are welcome to post and share on this site whenever you feel comfortable.  I look forward to seeing you around the site and hope you end up finding it to be as helpful as I do. 

[MeBeMary]

10 hours ago, spirit11 said:

I only recently started doing trauma therapy for an event that took place 19 years ago. The original event started a series of events that I replicated subconsciously, with alcohol, for many years after. As I have been doing this trauma therapy I am "waking up" and I want to talk about the events. This is very new for me... as for years I didn't even want to think about it. I went to many therapists and would sit stone cold and silent on their couches - at times even having them become upset with me for my silence.

I feel like what happened to me was so important in shaping my life - yet I've become hard on myself for not letting it go. Why can't I just "get over it?" Yet I still feel so protective over who I share this information with. I don't want to share it with my family and friends - I feel guilty and like they won't understand, or they might see me differently. In fact many of them know about it and I don't want to sound repetitive or give them the burden of hearing it yet again. Even the person I started dating recently is a psychotherapist and I don't even want to talk to them about it! It just feels so heavy.

This is how I showed up here. I need someone to talk to who gets it, who I can relate to. I want to start the process so that I can finally let go enough to heal. I don't want to dump my story on anyone. Most importantly, I want to help other women who have suffered from sexual trauma.

Also, can someone please direct me to the LGBT forum? Thank you.

 

Hi spirit,

Welcome to AfterSilence. I am very sorry for the trauma that you endured 19 years ago. Nobody has the right to hurt another this way. It isn't fair that it is not so easily gotten over with either. It is a very difficult thing to share, too. The shame and embarrassment should only go to the abusers, but we somehow transpose those things from them to us...and then worry others may view it the same way. I am glad you decided to join our little community tho, and wish you the best as you walk this path of healing.

Mary

[spirit11]

(TW)

Thank you everyone. I should say that I DO know that this isn’t something anyone can simply get over. That’s just one of the self-defeating thoughts that run in my head when I think about how far away from the event I am. I actually just started to deal with the event now as I was finally able to come out of denial and disassociation.

My event was staged and I was lured there by a group of young guys and given alcohol (they wanted to give me to one of the men there who apparently “needed” it). As other people found out what was happening (some of the guys in the group called my brother) my brother fought the guy (but still blamed me for being there, although I was too drunk to move). Then I was sl*t shamed by my friends at school... it has taken me a very long time to see that it wasn’t my fault. I was just 14 years old.

It took me another long time to even figure out I am a lesbian. I replicated that first event by getting black out drunk and around the wrong people many times into my twenties.

I no longer drink or leave myself vulnerable around men (and yes I know that not ALL men are this way, it’s just my protection mechanism  ) - it took me a long time to get here.

 

thank you for your kind words and your welcome - I am really glad this safe place exists. I am sorry if there is too much info in this post, moderators feel free to delete it if so and lmk as I’m still learning the rules here.

Thanks Mary, snmls, 8888 and Poppy for seeing me, I hope I can be helpful to you all as well.

 

Andi

[Struggling88]

Hi, spirit11, and welcome!  What happened to you was in no way your fault! You are not alone here.