New Here

[HadriansFail]

Hello. I'm a male who is dealing with PTSD and have been recently told that I also have "dissociation." I've been trying to deal with my Pandora's box of repressed memories which exploded open on me almost three years ago now. I am a survivor (although I don't feel like I have survived now) of CSA as well as physical abuse and mental abuse. I was also "taken advantage of" once when I was 18, after the abuse was over. I feel like I'm 100's of years old sometimes when all of the memories I have overtake me.

I have incredible flashbacks and horrible nightmares which have decreased since I started running again. I run like hell 6 days a week and I work out with weights to the point that my body shakes. I do t do heavy weights, I do t want to be some big muscle head. But the endurance thing works well for me. I play heavy music which all have specific meanings for me and I purposely recall all of my demons from the years I was abused (as well as the years after the abuse) and I imagine that I'm defeating them all by running faster and being stronger than they are. So far it has helped, but it hasn't stopped it all completely. But I'm not stopping either. I'll run them straight to hell or it will kill me, but I won't quit. I've lost so much and I'm not going to let them beat me in the end.

I would also like to find the male survivor area and hope to hear from both men and women who are doing better than I am with the issues I have. I want to know from someone who has "survived" the same issues that I can get through this and have my life back, or what's left of it.

Best wishes to all.

[missalee]

Hi I am new here too. I haven't exactly gotten all the forums down yet but I know there is a male survivor forum I am not sure if it is password protected or not but you could always message either a moderator or someone from the newbie support team. Good luck and welcome

[HadriansFail]

Thank you. I will definitely do that once I feel a little more competent in navigating the site. Best of luck to you too. Take care

[MeBeMary]

H Hadrians,

Welcome to AS. I am very sorry for the trauma you have suffered and the current pandora's box you currently deal with. You have found a very supportive site with many kind and understanding members. Withing the Survivor's Connection forum you will find a Male Survivors sub-forum. When you are ready to take that step you will need to obtain a password. You can request it in a post in the forum's main area or contact Activist Ally, as I believe only male staff has that password. Until you are ready, just take your time and look around. I wish you well on your healing journey.

Mary

[Minerba]

Hello Hadrians, welcome. You are not alone. I'm sorry you experienced abuse. It was not your fault. It was not fair.

This group on-line is a good source of support. There is also a lot of information you can read. Have you read the book "Victims no Longer" by Mike Lew? It is a good book for male survivors. You can find it on-line or in public libraries.

How is your support system? Do you have family members and/or friends who know about it and are supportive of you? A counsellor? Pets?

It is normal to feel the way you are feeling at present. Many survivor experience nightmares, flashbacks, unwanted memories. I wonder what strategies you have to cope with them?

When I have nightmares, I write them down but I change the end and then I rip the paper off. I suppose you know the "flashback protocol": look around and find 5 things you can see, 5 things you can hear, 5 things you can smell, 5 things you can touch, something you can taste. This brings you to the here and now. Acknowledge you are having a flashback and say "I am ----years- old now, I live in (city).

I have been doing a lot of colouring for adults lately. It helps with anxiety and being more present.

Healing is a journey and takes time. Healing is possible. Take care.

May you be well.

[reglois]

if ok

[euca]

Hi Hadrian and Welcome. I run out my demons too. Feeling fit and strong is a major way that I cope with my assault history and your intro post spoke volumes to me. I hope you find the site helpful on your journey. Best wishes.

[HadriansFail]

Wow! Thanks to everyone who has replied to me. I really do appreciate it very much. I will be shopping tomorrow for the book that Minerba mentioned to me after my morning workout. I do have a limited support system, Minerba. But it has shrunk by one very larger than life person (long story). But im nervously excited to say that I will be starting a support group with other adult csa survivors in two weeks! im hoping to hear from people, like I said earlier, who are doing better than I am, about how they got to be "better," whatever that means.

Euca, I hope that youve had some healing through your running. So far in my journey to heal, you are the only person I've met who can relate to this kind of self-induced therapy. It's cool to know that I'm not the only person who fights it directly.

Reglois, thank you so much for the warm welcome. It's really kind and I appreciate the compassion. Thank you so much:-)!

MeBeMary, Thank you for the information and the advice to take it slow. I get impatient when I think about how fed up I am with feeling broken.

Best wishes to everyone here. I'm truly sad that you are all here and not living a life where ignorance to the subject this forum was made for, isnt the norm. I wish peaceful and restful nights to you all, and days where you smile more than you think about things we wish we could forget to remember. Be well everyone.

[chant2012]

Hello. I'm a male who is dealing with PTSD and have been recently told that I also have "dissociation." I've been trying to deal with my Pandora's box of repressed memories which exploded open on me almost three years ago now. I am a survivor (although I don't feel like I have survived now) of CSA as well as physical abuse and mental abuse. I was also "taken advantage of" once when I was 18, after the abuse was over. I feel like I'm 100's of years old sometimes when all of the memories I have overtake me.

I have incredible flashbacks and horrible nightmares which have decreased since I started running again. I run like hell 6 days a week and I work out with weights to the point that my body shakes. I do t do heavy weights, I do t want to be some big muscle head. But the endurance thing works well for me. I play heavy music which all have specific meanings for me and I purposely recall all of my demons from the years I was abused (as well as the years after the abuse) and I imagine that I'm defeating them all by running faster and being stronger than they are. So far it has helped, but it hasn't stopped it all completely. But I'm not stopping either. I'll run them straight to hell or it will kill me, but I won't quit. I've lost so much and I'm not going to let them beat me in the end.

I would also like to find the male survivor area and hope to hear from both men and women who are doing better than I am with the issues I have. I want to know from someone who has "survived" the same issues that I can get through this and have my life back, or what's left of it.

Best wishes to all.

Hello HadriansFail. Welcome to AS! It is my wish that you find this site as helpful and healing as I have in my healing journey.

I am part of the NST (Newbie Support Team). What that means is that I (or any of the mods/admins/NST) can help/direct you as you learn how to use the forums. Should you have questions, feel free to send a PM to any one of the AS staff.

You've taken a huge step in reaching out. This is a big step in healing from abuse of any kind. Take all the time you need in sharing.

Know that you are not alone. Remembering and processing abuse is difficult and painful. But healing is possible. I like your idea of the endurance training. That sounds like a good idea if it works for you.

I also have dissociative issues. You're not alone. Sitting with you.

Am listening and validating you and your experiences.

Here is a link to the board guidelines and rules:

http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/index.php?showtopic=194#entry685

Here is a link regarding some privacy/safety issues that are helpful:

http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/index.php?showtopic=27269#entry218846

Sending healing energy your way.

~Chantel~

[HadriansFail]

Hello Chantel,

Thank you for the welcome:-)! I really appreciate it.

I'm doing all that I feel comfortable in doing to try to make some peace with things that I try to forget about. Some things I have actually come to terms with and am relieved to be able to say that. Like the dissociative issues you mentioned that you have. Last week I was almost broadsided in traffic as I was pulling into an intersection. I knew where I was and I knew that I was driving. I just kind of slipped into deep thought as a song came on the radio. Anyway, it really shook me up. Both the memory and the near miss. In two weeks I will be starting group therapy with other people like me and I hope to learn how to control things like this better. I'm sorry that you have this kind of an issue too, but hopefully you are better at not letting it control you than I am.

The endurance training has helped a lot. My disposition and my outlook are definitely affected if I miss a day, so I usually don't. Maybe this could be helpful for you too?

Thank you for the healing energy:-)! I wish you great healing and lots of laughter and smiles:-)

Take great care:-)

William

[Dasi]

Hello HadriansFail,

I am sorry that you have suffered csa! I am also a survivor of csa. Healing is a process that takes patience, and my case PTSD anger lighting the flame of progress! hahaha! Feel free to contact me anytime! You're going through all the right steps!

Dasi

[angelic]

hello HadriansFall

welcome to After silence,

I'm Paula, one of the newbie support team, I hope you're finding your way around okay

take care

Paula

[HadriansFail]

Hi Dasi. thank you very much for the welcome:-)! I'm really sorry to you as well that you had to survive csa. But I hope that you are making good progress with that anger lol! It can be a good tool. But it can also be really exhausting:-(. Thank you for your vote of confidence with me taking the right steps! It's nice to hear that when sometimes I don't know where to step. And thanks for the invitation to contact you. Please feel free to do the same. Who knows? Maybe we can give each other some good advice or at least a different perspective>

Hello Paula. Thank you also for the welcome:-)! I so appreciate hearing so many people here welcoming me. It sucks to be here for the reasons everyone is, but wow! It's also really a good thing to know that I'm not alone and feeling like I'm an alien with green skin and large antennae, trying to act "normal" while hoping nobody notices that I'm not. So far I've been finding my way around with no problems, but thank you for offering to help if I need it :-)

Take care everyone

William