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Indyrex

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Posts posted by Indyrex


  1. It is very chaotic @Ian37. Have you or @elisand watched Westworld? I relate so much to that because it's like I found my consciousness, but I've been driven to madness at the same time. I'll have these intense moments of clarity, sometimes I'll get lost in memories trying to piece the two halves of my life together, form an identity again. It's hard. But it's getting easier.

    And I have decided to go back to therapy and have put off calling 2 days now 🙊I had a great counselor when I had my revelation and remembered my trauma in the first place. I had a different counselor to help when the panic attacks started but she was so unempathetic and unsupportive I had to leave. So here I am, building up the courage to try again.


  2. 14 hours ago, Ian37 said:

    Indy Rex, some of the hardest parts with it all come months and even years later at times. Which make it such a challenge when trying to get back the control violently ripped away. Please just know that you are not alone in general at least with these emotions and thoughts. They tend to come up at the most inopportune and unexpected times. 

    This is what makes getting it out so important. Even though timing with that can be a key. Not to mention how hard it is bound to be. What is ultimately best may not be easiest at first.

    There can be added strength through greater unity. Even though we all have our own individual journey to take. Sadly enough, we cannot always control what happens to us. Though, we can determine how we'll react. All of this is bound to be a part of our life forever. We just have to try not letting it define us.

    :luck:

    @Ian37 Yes that's the tricky part. I feel like right now where I am in life, it does define me. I can't control the emotions very well and have had to leave work because I panic and can't stop crying. Like for hours I can't stop. It feels like a damn being broken up with all this pent-up pain I never dealt with (I didn't remember for 6 years) so I'm trying to let it out without the pain consuming me.

    Thank you for the reminder about unity. None of us are alone in this and as we step through our own journeys we can help each other along the way too 💛


  3. 15 hours ago, elisand said:

    u'r right it controls our emotions and behavior.

    and one of the first steps to taking back control is to want to.

    I looked at it that the abuser may he rot forever has no right to destroy my life (which he very successfully did).

    I am in a much better place now 2 yrs after the beginning of my therapy but this is a theme that comes up often. 

    I get upset when my T points out something that i'm being controlled. IT'S NOT ME AND I HATE IT.

    one very positive thing is to identify as a survivor as opposed to a victim. They are both true but as trying to heal ID' ing as a survivor really can help.

    I'm so sorry for what you went through. the pain u must have went through must 've been terrible.

    Indy Rex, you didn't deserve such pain and i think you can heal and have a better life. Safe hug if ok

     

    @elisand That is a great way of thinking about it - I am a survivor, not a victim. I get into ruts of feeling helpless, so helpless that I can't even call for help while just crying. I will remember to look at myself in the mirror for one of my talks and tell this to me. And it's my yoga mantra: I am safe, I am strong, I am in control.

    Hugs to you. You are so supportive, thank you 💛 Sending healing to you too


  4. Hey all, Indy Rex here.

    I just joined the site and am not really sure where to begin.

    I've been struggling with PTSD for about a year now.  And honestly maybe struggling the most with accepting the fact that I am a survivor.  That it's a huge part of who I am, and has been controlling my behavior and emotions for so long. 

    But I don't want it to. 

    I want to be in control. 

    I want to have a safe space where I can be open about what I've been through and feel accepted.  Which is what I hope to find here -- others who feel what I feel.  Others who understand me.

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