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Kirby

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    England
  • Interests
    Music, writing, beer pong and reading.

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  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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  1. Kirby

    Thoughts

    Today is the third day I have called in sick at work. I can't afford it, but I can't face people. I think the same is about to happen here, I think today is my final day here. Ive tried to work through my shit, I've tried to be open about my issues but all I'm doing is rehashing painful memories, all I'm doing is making noise. I feel like a fraud here, I feel like what happened to me wasn't that bad...I feel like it was nothing compared to others here. this won't get read and I'm okay with that, I only ever wanted to use this space to let out fears and emotions that I have to keep locked up in front of my friends and family. I made progress the first couple of weeks but I did a 180 soon after and dropped back into my old ways. Avoidance. Ignoring issues. Abusing alcohol. I think maybe this is just how it has to be for me. I think maybe, this is what I deserve and that this will forever be my life. Ive learned to get by over time, I've learned how to cope with sex (alcohol) which is ironic considering that is how all of this started. I have learned how to bury hurt upon hearing insensitive comments, I have learned how to hide everything beneath a mask of indifference and a persona built to keep people at arms length. Truth is, I've never been good at talking. I've always bottled everything up. Even as a child....for a full year I refused to speak to anyone, even at school. I eventually spoke through whispered words into my best friends ear, her answering for me in class, repeating words I read from books. There were reasons for my silence that I have never broached, reasons that I know people would not believe. I hate that I can't go back and protect the little girl I was. but that's dumb and its mere fantasy. It's the past. So I kept quiet. And when it happened with Dave, I kept quiet again. It's just what I do I suppose. Why change that? So yea, I think it's time to put all of this away and carry on without it. I wish I was better at this though. But whatever, it's just who I am.
  2. Feeling more isolated than ever today. 

  3. Kirby

    Control

    I struggle with control...well, I struggle with relinquishing it to be more accurate. I have a genetic fault that puts me pretty high up on the cancer risk...99% by the time I'm 40 kinda high. I'm meant to go for screening every 8 to 12 months but I rarely make it. Ive had two screenings over the last few years, one because I managed to convince my doctor to let me swallow a pill camera rather than being sedated and the second screening I managed to convince him not to give me any anaesthetic....probably the worst idea ever as that resulted in a fuck tonne of pain and a panic attack. But yea...control, definitely something I obsess over. I received a letter yesterday....it was for cervical screening, something else I have managed to avoid for too many years. I know I should go but I just can't bring myself to do so, I can't garner enough courage to let somebody be there...to leave myself so open and vulnerable. The thought terrifies me. So these procedures, these possibly life saving procedures get pushed to the back of my mind and I ignore the fact that I can't let anyone near me unless its my partner and I'm drunk. Great. Over 14 years have passed since it happened, over 14 years I have held my tongue and never spoke about it. I thought if I could distance myself from it then I would be fine, but to this day it still affects me. I tried to be brave. I tried to see a therapist, I tried to talk through my fears and I tried to move on from everything that happened. But I backed out, I turned into the coward I usually am when confronted with difficult, emotional situations and I just never went. So here I am. Constantly 2nd guessing if it was rape, constantly hating myself, forever fighting for control in every aspect of life and like a champ, avoiding anything that triggers fear within me. Im a grade A idiot. I'm a fool and a coward and I'm so angry with myself. I just wish I could be normal like everyone around me thinks.
  4. Kirby

    yo-yo

    I made it through the day. I'm home, I've eaten and showered and I'm now sat on my comfy sofa in the warmth of my house. Today was hard. It wasn't horrendous for any particular reason....it was just one of those difficult days. last night I managed to wrestle an hours sleep from somewhere. I struggled all night. My heart rate wouldn't go down, my thoughts would not quiet and my self loathing was through the roof. when 4:45am came around I got out of bed and pit on my cycling gear, I washed my face, brushed my teeth and kissed my sleeping partner goodbye and cycled the 8 miles to work. Today I cycled in silence...it did not feel like a day for music. I clocked in at work, got changed and nodded to one of my colleagues and I did my job. I spoke to no one all day. I couldn't manage even a syllable towards them. I made no eye contact and I ducked into the bathroom anytime anyone approached me. O sat in there with the door locked, my legs stretched in front of me on the cold floor for so many minutes today, I just sat in there and breathed. Eventually work was over and I cylcled home in silence again. I got in. Got changed, walked the dog and made my partner his tea. Then I showered and here I am, on my sofa. so many words running around my head but ao few at the same time. I feel so full of things to say but when I try and voice these things they dissipate into nothingness. I feel mute. But this is how it has been the last few weeks....the last few years....since that night. I'm like a yo-yo. Up and down so many times. I don't want to be a yo-yo anymore. But at least I made it through the day. Maybe tomorrow will be easier.
  5. Kirby

    Spiral

    I hit that good old self destruction button again. I was pushing myself so hat and I thought I was doing the right thing and then I panicked and I just gave up...I always do this. I'd emailed the local rape crisis centre, I'd spoken briefly to someone concerning what I was looking for and they were waiting on me to drop by and speak to them. People on here were being supportive and kind whilst encouraging me along....and i just...I just stopped believing it was that bad, stopped believing it wasn't my fault, stopped believing that it was his fault and not mine. I started drinking heavily to block it all out, I was showing up late for work almost every day, I pushed any friends who were even remotely close away and I went on this spiral downwards. Friday night was my lowest point...I was so hostile to everyone. I was short and sarcastic with them, I made the girl who is the closest thing to my best friend cry. I drank so much I was kicked out of the bar by the owner who is a good friend, I stumbled away from everyone and was on my way to another bar alone when some guy started bothering me, I kept walking but he grabbed my wrist and tried to pull me down a back street...I struggled with him for a while before getting free and walking quickly away as he shouted horrible things at me. I went straight home after that. I cried for what seemed like forever before falling asleep. I woke up yesterday realising how stupid I have been...maybe it doesn't sound that bad to anyone else, but it has been. I've been callous and cold to everyone, I've been a loose cannon and submerged myself into alcohol like I did after what happened all those years ago, I gave almost lost my job, I have certainly lost my friends and I put myself in a terrible and dangerous situation. looking back...I know I'm not ready for therapy. I don't think I ever will be. I cant accept that the rape wasn't my fault and sometimes I cant even accept it was rape. I think when I was trying to lush myself into therapy I thought it would fix everything....but it made me feel like an attention seeking timewaster. I don't think I'll ever be able to put what happened all those years ago to rest, I don't think I'll ever be able to show myself the kindness that people here have shown me. I don't think I'll ever accept that I was not to blame....but I'm still here, so I guess that means something right? I just wish I wasn't such a dumb, idiotic and bad person....I wish I could have dealt with all of this better and with strength and grace.
  6. Emailed a potential therapist, she emailed back. Tomorrow she's gonna call me. 

    Nervous. Terrified. Hopeful. 

    1. crushedflower

      crushedflower

      Good for you for reaching out. It seems so terrifying. i know that feeling all too well. However, it was the best thing I ever did to help myself. Hope all goes well! Feel free to post about it in the Therapy Discussion Section.

      thinking of you!

      Flower

  7. I've decided to try and write something every day. It's day two and here I am...writing...I don't have much faith in me sticking to this. I was gonna spew some bullshit about how I am positive right now and how I'm gonna try and get through all of this....but that's all it would be. Bull. Right now I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm feeling scared and I'm feeling insecure. I feel like I'm on the edge of a breakdown and nervous about the next few days. I'm trying to believe that I was raped that it wasn't my fault, that I had no part in how everything all those years ago played out so badly, but I can't. I kissed him. I let him take me down that corridor, I didn't resist strongly enough as he pulled me into the cubicle. I'm feeling dizzy right now and my heart is beating too fast. I'm scared and I want to cry but my future husband is in the kitchen cooking tea and I can't let him see me break down. I can't let him see because he wouldn't know why. And then I'd have to explain things. Never once has he realised I can only have sex when I'm drunk, never once has he mentioned that I turn away after sex or leave to go to another room. I don't think he notices these things because it's alwways been this way. I feel sick and shaky. I feel alone and trapped. I really wanted to put a positive spin on all of this, but I've made a conscious decision that this is my place. After silence is my place where I can finally be honest. I wish things were easier. I wish I was stronger. Maybe one day huh?
  8. Kirby

    Memories

    You have no idea how much your response means to me....thank you. I wish I could search out what you have suggested. I wish I could find someone to talk to about this face to face but I'm not that brave. I told one person about what happened. It was 9 years later and she was my best friend. She got angry and upset that night....but following that she ignored me completely. We didn't talk for three weeks and when we finally reconnected, I just shut off to her. We haven't spoken in 5 years. Maybe she didn't believe me or she thought I was overreacting. I had only worked up the courage to tell her because I was drunk and so was she. Maybe she was just playing a part that night and when she woke up the next day, she realised I was overreacting to the whole situation. God, I ramble. I'm sorry. I'm scared that it will happen again. I'm not an open person, I cover my insecurities with sarcasm and a cold front. I don't think I'd be able to switch that off, even in front of a therapist. I....I want to thank you for validating that tiny voice within me that says this was rape. I want to thank you for seeing him as someone who did wrong. I want to thank you because I find it so damn difficult to do....I see it in others' experiences, I read it in other stories but I can't believe it in my own case. I wish I could.
  9. Feeling self destructive :/ 

  10. Kirby

    Memories

    It hits me when I least expect it. When I would never in a million years think for it to happen, and recently it's hit me hard. I'll be at a bar with friends or having a BBQ on the beach, I'll be cycling down a canal path or pushing my niece on a swing.....then it comes out of nowhere. First it's just his name. Dave. I try to shake it off every time but it never works. It gets worse after that. I see the pub sign...a grey horse...that's where it happened. The grey horse. I see green tiles. A phone on the floor. His black shoes and my trainers. I see a blue/grey shirt and a smirking face that riles me with anger. First I am sad. I'm sad for what happened within that pub, within the toilet cubicle as music blared loudly throughout the bar. Then I am angry. Angry at him for doing such things to a 17 year old girl who was so naive. Then I'm angry at myself. I let it happen. I didn't punch or kick him, I didn't scream or cry. I tried to hold my belt, I wriggled about within his grasp, I tried to step away from the door I was pushed up against....but I never tried hard enough. I was scared. I remember him kicking my feet apart as he pulled my belt from my grasp. That moment alone makes me want to cry. But God....I can't accept it was rape. I didn't want what happened to happen....but 17 year old me was too afraid to say that. Instead I struggled and made it difficult, instead I tried to make my ringtone play to pretend my parents were calling...instead I stood on my tiptoes as he tried to enter me. He grabbed my shoulders tightly and forced me down. I froze after that moment. Things a blurry for a while...I say blurry, I mean blank. Like, I can't remember much. I think I continued to make it difficult because eventually he got frustrated. I remember his hands on my head and neck as he sat on the toilet. I remember him inside my mouth. I remember squeezing my eyes shut as he moved my head up and down with force, causing me to gag over and over. I don't remember how it ended. The next 20 minutes are blank, some time within the cubicle is blank. But I had been drinking. A whopping four pints! I'd never got that drunk on four pints before but I guess it was a night of firsts. Now...I hate myself for being so affected by it. I hate that it can just blindside me at any moment and make me want to crawl into bed and cry. I just wish I could forget it. So many people suffer so much worse. I just...I wish it would stop.
  11. Kirby

    New but old

    Hi guys, Thank you all for the warm welcome ans kind words
  12. Hi...I'm new here, obviously. Uhm...I'm not sure if I belong here, what happened to me happened a long time ago and I'm having doubts about what happened. I used to use a site like this a few years back, I talked to people and for a while I got better, I accepted things and stopped hating myself.....But it's been a while and I'm turning against myself again...I think...ugh, I dunno. Sorry for being so confusing. Hopefully I can work through stuff here. So yea, hi!
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