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Here is where I can be honest



I've decided to try and write something every day. 

It's day two and here I am...writing...I don't have much faith in me sticking to this. 

I was gonna spew some bullshit about how I am positive right now and how I'm gonna try and get through all of this....but that's all it would be. Bull. 

Right now I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm feeling scared and I'm feeling insecure. I feel like I'm on the edge of a breakdown and nervous about the next few days. 

I'm trying to believe that I was raped that it wasn't my fault, that I had no part in how everything all those years ago played out so badly, but I can't. 

I kissed him. I let him take me down that corridor, I didn't resist strongly enough as he pulled me into the cubicle. 

I'm feeling dizzy right now and my heart is beating too fast. I'm scared and I want to cry but my future husband is in the kitchen cooking tea and I can't let him see me break down. I can't let him see because he wouldn't know why. 

And then I'd have to explain things.

Never once has he realised I can only have sex when I'm drunk, never once has he mentioned that I turn away after sex or leave to go to another room. I don't think he notices these things because it's alwways been this way. 

I feel sick and shaky. I feel alone and trapped. 

I really wanted to put a positive spin on all of this, but I've made a conscious decision that this is my place. 

After silence is my place where I can finally be honest. 

I wish things were easier. I wish I was stronger. 

Maybe one day huh?


Recommended Comments

Hey Kirby.  Sorry you're struggling.

I think its one of the great things about AS that we can be honest here without pressure.

Recognising how we feel is a good thing even if we feel rubbish.

I hope you feel better soon.  But if you don't then don't beat yourself up over it.

Keep safe.

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