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Kirby

Entry posted by Kirby ·

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It hits me when I least expect it. When I would never in a million years think for it to happen, and recently it's hit me hard. 

I'll be at a bar with friends or having a BBQ on the beach, I'll be cycling down a canal path or pushing my niece on a swing.....then it comes out of nowhere. First it's just his name.

Dave.

I try to shake it off every time but it never works. It gets worse after that. I see the pub sign...a grey horse...that's where it happened. 

The grey horse.

I see green tiles. A phone on the floor. His black shoes and my trainers. I see a blue/grey shirt and a smirking face that riles me with anger. 

First I am sad. I'm sad for what happened within that pub, within the toilet cubicle as music blared loudly throughout the bar. 

Then I am angry. Angry at him for doing such things to a 17 year old girl who was so naive. 

Then I'm angry at myself. I let it happen. I didn't punch or kick him, I didn't scream or cry. I tried to hold my belt, I wriggled about within his grasp, I tried to step away from the door I was pushed up against....but I never tried hard enough. 

I was scared. 

I remember him kicking my feet apart as he pulled my belt from my grasp. That moment alone makes me want to cry. 

But God....I can't accept it was rape. 

I didn't want what happened to happen....but 17 year old me was too afraid to say that. Instead I struggled and made it difficult, instead I tried to make my ringtone play to pretend my parents were calling...instead I stood on my tiptoes as he tried to enter me. 

He grabbed my shoulders tightly and forced me down. 

I froze after that moment. 

Things a blurry for a while...I say blurry, I mean blank. Like, I can't remember much.

I think I continued to make it difficult because eventually he got frustrated. 

I remember his hands on my head and neck as he sat on the toilet. I remember him inside my mouth. I remember squeezing my eyes shut as he moved my head up and down with force, causing me to gag over and over.

I don't remember how it ended. 

The next 20 minutes are blank, some time within the cubicle is blank. But I had been drinking. A whopping four pints! I'd never got that drunk on four pints before but I guess it was a night of firsts. 

Now...I hate myself for being so affected by it. I hate that it can just blindside me at any moment and make me want to crawl into bed and cry. 

I just wish I could forget it. So many people suffer so much worse. 

I just...I wish it would stop.

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Alongroad

Oh gosh I'm so sorry. I think most everyone on here can relate to most if not all of what you are saying. I've experienced rape the way you have (yes that is definitely rape even if you weren't screeming or doing whatever else you wish you would have done). I want you to know that from my perspective the rape where I was more frozen and didn't respond the way I wish I would have was a more traumatic for me. I was also younger like you and I think that's why I froze. That man is definitely a perpetrator. No question in my mind. He preyed on your youth and intoxication. Please find a loving and supportive therapist and establish a relationship with them where you can discuss this repeatedly. You need support and validation from someone you trust. You need someone to tell you repeatedly that this was wrong, you don't deserve this, your body is beautiful and sacred, and he and he alone is filth. You should be allowed to have fun at a bar without your body becoming a crime scene. 

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Kirby
13 hours ago, Alongroad said:

 

You have no idea how much your response means to me....thank you. 

I wish I could search out what you have suggested. I wish I could find someone to talk to about this face to face but I'm not that brave. 

I told one person about what happened. It was 9 years later and she was my best friend. She got angry and upset that night....but following that she ignored me completely. We didn't talk for three weeks and when we finally reconnected, I just shut off to her. We haven't spoken in 5 years.

Maybe she didn't believe me or she thought I was overreacting.

I had only worked up the courage to tell her because I was drunk and so was she. Maybe she was just playing a part that night and when she woke up the next day, she realised I was overreacting to the whole situation. 

God, I ramble. I'm sorry.

I'm scared that it will happen again. I'm not an open person, I cover my insecurities with sarcasm and a cold front. I don't think I'd be able to switch that off, even in front of a therapist. 

 

I....I want to thank you for validating that tiny voice within me that says this was rape. I want to thank you for seeing him as someone who did wrong. I want to thank you because I find it so damn difficult to do....I see it in others' experiences, I read it in other stories but I can't believe it in my own case. 

I wish I could. 

 

 

Edited by Kirby
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ActivistAlly

You said you never got that drunk before on that amount...could he have put something in your drink? :(  I'm sorry. It wasn't  your fault.

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