I hit that good old self destruction button again. I was pushing myself so hat and I thought I was doing the right thing and then I panicked and I just gave up...I always do this.
I'd emailed the local rape crisis centre, I'd spoken briefly to someone concerning what I was looking for and they were waiting on me to drop by and speak to them. People on here were being supportive and kind whilst encouraging me along....and i just...I just stopped believing it was that bad, stopped believing it wasn't my fault, stopped believing that it was his fault and not mine.
I started drinking heavily to block it all out, I was showing up late for work almost every day, I pushed any friends who were even remotely close away and I went on this spiral downwards.
Friday night was my lowest point...I was so hostile to everyone. I was short and sarcastic with them, I made the girl who is the closest thing to my best friend cry. I drank so much I was kicked out of the bar by the owner who is a good friend, I stumbled away from everyone and was on my way to another bar alone when some guy started bothering me, I kept walking but he grabbed my wrist and tried to pull me down a back street...I struggled with him for a while before getting free and walking quickly away as he shouted horrible things at me.
I went straight home after that. I cried for what seemed like forever before falling asleep. I woke up yesterday realising how stupid I have been...maybe it doesn't sound that bad to anyone else, but it has been. I've been callous and cold to everyone, I've been a loose cannon and submerged myself into alcohol like I did after what happened all those years ago, I gave almost lost my job, I have certainly lost my friends and I put myself in a terrible and dangerous situation.
looking back...I know I'm not ready for therapy. I don't think I ever will be. I cant accept that the rape wasn't my fault and sometimes I cant even accept it was rape. I think when I was trying to lush myself into therapy I thought it would fix everything....but it made me feel like an attention seeking timewaster. I don't think I'll ever be able to put what happened all those years ago to rest, I don't think I'll ever be able to show myself the kindness that people here have shown me. I don't think I'll ever accept that I was not to blame....but I'm still here, so I guess that means something right?
I just wish I wasn't such a dumb, idiotic and bad person....I wish I could have dealt with all of this better and with strength and grace.