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tearsofpain

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    Survivor
  1. Welcome! Take your time. Get comfortable. Do as much as you can when you can. "I am 33 year old special education teacher for emotionally disturbed children. I have earned two bachelors degrees in psychology and special education." A 4th grader with severe PTSD brought me to where I am now. His history triggered a lot in me. His acting out behaviors left me jealous; I wished I could have said and done what he was saying and doing. I longed for the support he had. He allowed me to care for him and in turn I learned I needed to care/parent myself the way I should have been parented when I was a child….I am very grateful to him and the lessons he brought me. You too will be blessed with this lessons just give yourself the time you need. Tears
  2. Thanks again. IT is nice to see the welcomes. Tears
  3. Hi Star, I, too, am back after some time away. I'm glad you made it back. I hope you don't mind but I was wondering why you left in the first place and why you are returning now. I just ask because I was wondering if what I am experiencing is simular to other peoples experiences. Tears
  4. I have been away for a long time. I do that…. I leave… and return… and leave…. and return. I leave because I consider myself different from the others here and I return because I believe I can’t possibly fight this battle another day by myself. Please forgive my arrogance. I take pride in thinking I am sicker than anyone else. Tears
  5. Thank you! Thank You! THANK YOU! for doing this for your daughter. Thank you It makes me cry thinking about how grateful I am your daughter is safe. Tears
  6. Welcome. I am glad you are here. I want to thank you for holding honesty so close to your heart. It is a good character trait to have. Tears
  7. Kitanah I suggest looking up "post tramatic play" or "behavioral sighs of sexually abused children". That's the stuff you are looking for. Tears
  8. thanks for asking fuerza. i wasn't gonna. tears
  9. You said you would make it stop You said it would not hurt any more You said trust me I don’t want to trust you any more Youre not a good mom. Why did you let her in That was stupid Now what we gonna do I wish I never told her my secrets Now I don’t have anyone to hold them any longer and they will get too big inside me and hurt me again I don’t want to go away I like being here I like having someone to talk to and tell me it’s gonna be alright Please don’t make me go away again Maybe if we’re really good she wont go away and we can stay and talk to her some more Maybe she will like us again and she can make the hurt go away Maybe I want ice cream and chocolate brownie That’ll make the owies go away
  10. I must sound be a bit invalidating too sometimes. I get so excited to find someone that understands me and I start sharing. But I imagine it could sound like a pissing match-like I’m trying to one up her-but I’m not intentionally. I’m just trying to relate. I’ve never been really good at , “I am so sorry that happened" and just leaving it that way. This thread is helping me to look at the ways I communicate with other survivors. Here’s a few said to me: Mom: “Next time, if you have any questions about sex, just ask me.” Is there going to be a next time? Is that what happened, I had questions about sex and then went to this adult and ask him to show me how to do it? Is that what happened? I just went to the wrong person? Or Mom again: “You’re far too sensitive. Why don’t you just forgive and forget.” That’s the last time I try to talk to you about anything important to me. Tears
  11. Thanks everyone for your replies. They really mean a lot. Especially when sharing something that is so scary. Thanks for accepting me I am a little worried that my honesty is too much. The replies from my post in Sharing Your Story forum are gone. And I'm afraid it's something I did. The post itself is still there though I think if this post is still here-which is a hell of a lot more of a trigger than the other post-It shouldn't be because i triggered someone. Ideas? Tears
  12. Thanks for all the encouragement. I couldn't wait to get home to read any replies. It does feel good to "say" these things here in this forum. It's also great to read your posts and "hear" your stories. Thanks again! Tears
  13. Hi! I'm new and feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the posts. I think it will take me days to read through it all. So I’m just going to start my own. Here’s my story and my question (haven’t found “Share your story" yet). I was molested at a very young age-3 maybe 4 years old, before I could name things very accurately. Now I know the correct names for body parts but I am afraid to say them, especially if the others I am talking to do not say the words first. It’s like I need their permission to say the words. Does anyone else experience this? Secondly, I was rewarded with special food after my encounters with my father. Nowadays, I find that I use those foods to comfort me when I am having difficult feelings. I will often binge and purge on the very thing that was given to me as a bribe. Am I alone in this? Lastly, and most difficult to talk about, I was molested again when I was much older. It lasted longer than the first time. Several years. Leading up to actual intercourse. My body responded like anybody that would have been stimulated like it was. But where I think I’m different is that I will often masturbate thinking about those times. My body is having physical reactions to the memories and I am aroused. The only way to stop the memory, I think, is to complete the feeling. So many secrets. So much fear. Tears
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