I am so sick of feeling invisible. Let me try to break apart the different ways in which I feel invisible.
Sexually - For the past two years. maybe for a few years leading up to that too, my husband's and my sexual relationships has changed... has tapered off. Now, I know that's normal... but it's almost like... I am apprehensive to say or do ANYTHING blatantly sexual, because he appears to get irritated and annoyed that I'm horny, again. So like... I have taken to basically being nudist in my house... because it's comfortable (we were never like that growing up...) but also because I like walking around in front of him naked. But. He. Doesn't. Care. I don't even know what would get a reaction out of him... maybe if I wore a clown suit? Or set myself on fire? I don't know. He just... carries on like everything is normal. I feel invisible. Likewise... I have really upped my consumption of porn and how often I masturbate... and I have started drawing intense erotic illustrations... Again, he could be walking by me drawing, or writing something... look at it, and just walk by. Like nothing out of the ordinary is going on.
I'm not saying he needs to like... fucking throw me down each time he sees that... but... SOMEthing would be nice. It's so hard, and getting so much harder every day, because I'm realizing how much sex, sexual attention, and feeling wanted by someone matters to me - to my fucking core. It is NOT just about getting off, it's about truly feeling wanted by a man, feeling coveted, needed, desired. Cherished. It hurts me so bad when he ignores me, over, and over, and over.
In General - My man has always been quiet, has always been... reserved. Shy. That's fine. What is hard, is the constant feeling of zero communication. On a typical night... we might speak 100 words to eachother - and that is probably being generous. Yes, we have BOTH gotten into the habit of technology taking over our "down time"... but even if I try to initiate conversation, he doesn't want to talk. I have asked him what his favorite part of the day was... Did he see anything weird.... Eat anything good? Anything, just, fucking talk to me... and he can't. He doesn't want to.
But then, if his mom calls, or his brother... he instantly comes alive. He wants to chat, he wants to talk, socialize. Why won't he socialize with me? Or, if we are doing something socially (btw, majority of the time we do shit with his family, since all my siblings live away, and my mom lives downstate. His entire family is in the area.) he comes alive. He wants to stay late, talk to everyone, etc. Why won't he talk to me anymore?
Or like, if we're in a social situation, he's very apt to not introduce me or include me in conversations... or ditch me all together. I am not that shy... so in the beginning I would stick my hand out and introduce myself... 7 years in... I am so fucking tired of it... I just... will be there... in the background.
Or like... today, I come home... I ask him questions... I get one word responses. I told him that I had a hard day... nothing..
It's just so hard to.... feel so invisible. And I KNOW part of it is he is so comfortable with me, that he can just... .be.... but I am dealing with severe emotional abuse and trauma... shit that made me HYPER needy... I'm mad at him. I'm not.
Life Decisions - There has been one major.....major fucking decision that was made the first year of our marriage in which I had no say. He had a job downstate. I was just about to graduate college. His job was KILLING him. He was depressed, and would come home and cry.... I fully supported him getting a different job. I tried to get him to look out of state, or downstate... anywhere where there WERE jobs. He could only see moving to his hometown. I tried so hard to help him see other options... but he chose a 3rd shift, part time job, and moved back in with his parents. So.... when I graduated, I moved in with my in-laws.
It was fucking hard. I had an incredibly hard time finding work... and he was on a completely different schedule.. so when I did see him, he was sleeping.
Now... we are established... we have our careers, our own house... it's cool. And we have fought about his... decision.. but I have decided it isn't worth it for me to bring it up.. all it does is make him crazy defensive, and we fight horribly... so why do that? But it's hard... because he makes these other (not as big, but still LIFE) decisions without taking into account MY thoughts. Like, he was already planning on doing it, but he's telling me first. IE - we got a dog. He took a demotion/pay cut to have less responsibility at work. And then a series of incredibly small fucking trivial decisions that just... accumulate and make me feel like I am a shadow in my own life. "Oh didn't I tell you we're having dinner with my parents tonight?"
It's just... I am so fucking lonely. I didn't even know I was lonely... I brought up date night with him last week... just.. trying to schedule time for us to reconnect... he asked why, but then was down for it... Yeah... I haven't heard about it since then.
That's the thing... like, I COULD go and remind him... I COULD go and bring it up to him, again. But... I am so fucking sick of that. I want HIM TO CARE ENOUGH ABOUT ME TO SEEK ME OUT. I want HIM to want to do things for me, to worry about me, to cater to me, to cherish me.
I know he loves me... but it's a platonic... like... brotherly/roommate love... I don't feel like his partner. I don't feel like.... anything. I feel like a fucking shadow that just hangs out... I can manifest sometimes to say things, interact with objects.... but usually I'm just a shimmer of darkness...
I'm just so fucking sad right now.