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New Semester & Still Fighting To Be A Survivor Not A Victim. Need Help.

AshleyyyRebecca

Entry posted by AshleyyyRebecca ·

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So its the beginning of a new semester and so far things are actually sorta okay? I'm a Resident Assistant in my dorm which in a weird way is helping me deal with some of my issues. There are a few things on my mind though and I need some help from fellow survivors because no one else really understands what Im going through...

1. Okay, being in a community college the maturity level of people clearly just isn't there and people are constantly joking about rape and being molested. I LITERALLY CAN NOT TAKE IT! Being a survivor of both, when I hear something like that I instantly get a huge knot in the pit of my stomach. Like how do you deal with it? I though in high school I had built up a pretty high tolerance for ignorant assholes since everyone hated me and blamed me for what happened to me, but oh my god! These people don't even know what happened! And they joke about it as if its no big deal! Sometimes I want to scream and punch them in the face because I just get so frustrated. I'm trying to work with my Resident Director of the building to get a handle on it because I know if its bothering me it HAS to be bothering other girls and guys out there who have been through this and that breaks my heart.

2. So every year around this time of year is when I think about my rape the most because the anniversary is coming up. I have an order of protection against the guy the rapped me, but lately..and Im not sure why...I just don't feel safe. Im TERRIFIED he's going to find me and come after me. I moved away from home to get away from him and the man that molested me, and yet my anxiety isn't getting any better. I mean its definitely better than it is when im home, but I just don't want my new home to be ruined by his need to ruin my life. He came after me once, right after the attack so that's probably why Im so afraid. My order of protection is good until December 2016 which is nice, but its still scary to me to think, what if he finds me? What if either of them get to me? What if all of my fighting and struggling over the last 11 years goes down the drain. Its a terrifying thought. Is this normal? Because I feel like Im going crazy sometimes because of the amount that I think about this.

3. I just turned 20, so for normal adults my age sex is in "the norm". Well not for me. And not until recently. Right after I was rapped in 2008, I met my ex boyfriend and he was wonderful. I trusted him with my life, we were together for just about two years. So obviously we became sexually active at some point in the relationship. And I was fine. He knew what happened to me and was always really kind and gentle with me. After we broke up, I didn't have sex with anyone for two years because of emotional issues. And even when I did I was still fine. But now all the sudden the idea of having sex with someone is really scary to me. I tried a few weeks ago with someone I had been seeing, I actually really liked this boy too. But I couldn't, and I couldn't tell him why. I was too ashamed. So I had to make some bullshit excuse that he clearly didn't believe. I don't know whats wrong with me. I feel like Im damaged goods that's never going to be fixed and its so frustrating. How am I ever going to have a healthy relationship with someone if I cant trust them enough to have a sexual relationship with them? Am I the only one with this problem? God I hope not...

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Skyfeather

I know exactly what you mean about #1. Even out of college, I hear it on the radio, different comedians, and other people in entertainment (mostly male) make jokes about being raped and molested. As a teacher I find it extremely disturbing and as a fellow survivor of rape and molestation I can feel myself dissociate when I hear those kinds of comments. Even on youtube, when someone doesn't like a video. Instead of just leaving it and finding something else they have to comment about how their ears were raped by that artist. It doesn't make sense and they are fools to use langauge so loosely. My point is that it is everywhere and I wish I knew what to say or do when I hear it repeated. I wish it stopped once I was out of college. I think the main difference is that you can actually say something to those people. When we hear it on the radio or TV there is not a way to respond in that moment. I guess I could write a letter/email to the company/person but I think you may have an advantage to stopping those comments over those of us who are out of school. It would be difficult to do but maybe there is some advice about what to say to people like that. They might think twice about repeating that kind of joke and you will have stopped at least reoccurance of it. I wish I was more helpful. I hope you find some answers and keep safe.

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