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AshleyyyRebecca

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    19
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  • Gender
    Female

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  • MembershipType
    Survivor
  1. I appreciate you reaching out, more than you know. Being 20 (almost 21) and dealing this this stuff is horrible. I keep telling myself that in the end everything will be okay, but I'm just not sure. And thank you for sharing me what's going on with me. It's reassuring to know that we're not alone, so like you said I'm sorry we have to meet this way, but at least we have the support of After Silence.
  2. I'm so frustrated with myself. I feel like I'm letting them win. I hate always looking over my shoulder, not feeling safe. I'm driving someone who loves me away because I feel like I need all this love and affection, when really I just don't want to be alone and scared. Peace of mind, something I desperately want. Something I need. I feel like I have no one. I feel lost and alone. I just want to run away into the great unknown and not tell anyone, then maybe id feel safe. I need help and guidance. I feel like I'm going crazy....I hate this :'(
  3. So in the search for some guidance on life, one day I stumbled across this cute little book. It's called 10 Simple Things to Remember An Inspiring Guide to Understanding Life. After reading it, I feel like I need to share this one section from the book with all of you. Because there's one thing we all have in common-We are survivors. But I know I am not the only one who doesn't always look at myself as a survivor and has a really hard time just letting go(not that this is something to can ever just "let go of" but its something to work towards). So here is a little segment from the book about
  4. Living with PTSD is not easy. One minute I'm fine and life is great, the next I have a trigger. A bad one. And I feel like I cant pull myself together. Last night I decided to go for a walk on the beach. There was a storm coming so the waves were crashing into the sand. It was really dark. A wave crashed into the sand and it sounded like someone running up behind me. For 3 second I thought my worst nightmare had come true. For 3 seconds I thought he found me, and I thought my life was over. So today has been a bad day. I know he's not here and I know he can't find me, but all it took was those
  5. I guess I could say I'm one of the lucky ones. I don't really suffer from horrible triggers in my day to day life. I experienced my first one for the first time in a really long time a few weeks ago. It was while I was with my boyfriend. We were having an intimate moment, and a freaked. Luckily he was really understanding and sweet when I started to freak out. It was one of those moments where I wished I could be normal. And I wish I knew what it was like to live a life where I had never been rapped. I'm trying to stay positive, because I have a lot to be thankful for but its hard sometimes wh
  6. It wasn't my dad, it was my brother. Still just as awful. No one in my family knows except my mom and dad which makes it even harder. Because then they tell other family members that I don't want to come home without giving them the full story. Its not fair.
  7. I got into a fight with my mom a few days ago about not wanting to come home. I don't like going there. My rapist lives in town and my molester lives across the hall. I don't feel safe there. She told me I was living like a victim. And I was punishing the family. I cant shake the word now. Victim. I've spent the last five, almost six years trying to live like a survivor, then my own mother tells me I'm living like a victim. How does she have that right?! I'm in danger every time I go home, so instead of going home I stay at school and thrive. I have a great life at school. And that makes me a
  8. Slowly but surly learning how to deal with all of this.

  9. Thank you so much for responding! Its so frustrating so its nice to know that someone else knows what Im going through!
  10. So its the beginning of a new semester and so far things are actually sorta okay? I'm a Resident Assistant in my dorm which in a weird way is helping me deal with some of my issues. There are a few things on my mind though and I need some help from fellow survivors because no one else really understands what Im going through... 1. Okay, being in a community college the maturity level of people clearly just isn't there and people are constantly joking about rape and being molested. I LITERALLY CAN NOT TAKE IT! Being a survivor of both, when I hear something like that I instantly get a huge knot
  11. I haven't posted on here in awhile. I went home from school for the summer and it was really interesting. Living with him after finally opening up to my parents about what happened was really hard. I didn't feel comfortable in my own space. I always wanted to leave. I hated being at work, but at least when I was at work I wasn't at home with him. Now I'm back at school and I'm trying to settle in but its really hard. I took a resident assistant position in the dorms and I love it, but I'm having a tough time with a few classes and I'm homesick. I really miss my mom and dad. And as usual, I'm t
  12. I was molested from the time i was 5 until i was 9 by my older brother. I know how you feel. I never recongnized what happened to me until this year, which happens to be my first year a college. My parents had no idea until I told them over Christmas break. I cant stand him touching me, looking at me, anything. And I too have to pretend that everything is okay because my parents still let him live with us. I havent seen my family in months and I miss them, but now that im going home for summer and I have to live with him. im full of all sorts of awful emotions. I promise though, it will get b
  13. Thank you for your kind words! & I really reccomend getting one. Its helped me alot!
  14. For the first time in a while, Im feeling okay. I recently got my survivor tattoo and since then ive felt very empowered. I have sad moments, but not nearly as many as I used to. Its nice to have a few weeks of not constently being sad. Im heading into my final week of my freshmen year in college, and im beyond excited to go home. At the same time, im also very nervous because home as recently become a very big trigger for me. Im hoping I can handle it, I miss my family and friends more than anything.
  15. Hello, idk if it helps but im really glad you posted this. I am filled with so much hate and anger which isnt normal for me because im a natually happy person. I know how you feel, and I know what its like to be envious of those who have never been affected by this. Im a freshmen in college, and its so difficult being here and knowing all the things that could happen and what ive already been through. Im sure you know this since youve gone through college, which you should be extremely proud of. Sometimes the feelings of whats happened to me overcome me and I cant focus for days. Theres days t
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