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About this blog

Survivor in training

Entries in this blog

This Is Me Sending Out My Call For Help.

I'm so frustrated with myself. I feel like I'm letting them win. I hate always looking over my shoulder, not feeling safe. I'm driving someone who loves me away because I feel like I need all this love and affection, when really I just don't want to be alone and scared. Peace of mind, something I desperately want. Something I need. I feel like I have no one. I feel lost and alone. I just want to run away into the great unknown and not tell anyone, then maybe id feel safe. I need help and guidanc

AshleyyyRebecca

AshleyyyRebecca

"learn To Let Go".

So in the search for some guidance on life, one day I stumbled across this cute little book. It's called 10 Simple Things to Remember An Inspiring Guide to Understanding Life. After reading it, I feel like I need to share this one section from the book with all of you. Because there's one thing we all have in common-We are survivors. But I know I am not the only one who doesn't always look at myself as a survivor and has a really hard time just letting go(not that this is something to can ever j

AshleyyyRebecca

AshleyyyRebecca

Ptsd Is A bit*h.

Living with PTSD is not easy. One minute I'm fine and life is great, the next I have a trigger. A bad one. And I feel like I cant pull myself together. Last night I decided to go for a walk on the beach. There was a storm coming so the waves were crashing into the sand. It was really dark. A wave crashed into the sand and it sounded like someone running up behind me. For 3 second I thought my worst nightmare had come true. For 3 seconds I thought he found me, and I thought my life was over. So t

AshleyyyRebecca

AshleyyyRebecca

First Trigger In Awhile.

I guess I could say I'm one of the lucky ones. I don't really suffer from horrible triggers in my day to day life. I experienced my first one for the first time in a really long time a few weeks ago. It was while I was with my boyfriend. We were having an intimate moment, and a freaked. Luckily he was really understanding and sweet when I started to freak out. It was one of those moments where I wished I could be normal. And I wish I knew what it was like to live a life where I had never been ra

AshleyyyRebecca

AshleyyyRebecca

I Am Not A Victim!

I got into a fight with my mom a few days ago about not wanting to come home. I don't like going there. My rapist lives in town and my molester lives across the hall. I don't feel safe there. She told me I was living like a victim. And I was punishing the family. I cant shake the word now. Victim. I've spent the last five, almost six years trying to live like a survivor, then my own mother tells me I'm living like a victim. How does she have that right?! I'm in danger every time I go home, so in

AshleyyyRebecca

AshleyyyRebecca

New Semester & Still Fighting To Be A Survivor Not A Victim. Need Help.

So its the beginning of a new semester and so far things are actually sorta okay? I'm a Resident Assistant in my dorm which in a weird way is helping me deal with some of my issues. There are a few things on my mind though and I need some help from fellow survivors because no one else really understands what Im going through... 1. Okay, being in a community college the maturity level of people clearly just isn't there and people are constantly joking about rape and being molested. I LITERALLY CA

AshleyyyRebecca

AshleyyyRebecca

First Entry In Awhile

I haven't posted on here in awhile. I went home from school for the summer and it was really interesting. Living with him after finally opening up to my parents about what happened was really hard. I didn't feel comfortable in my own space. I always wanted to leave. I hated being at work, but at least when I was at work I wasn't at home with him. Now I'm back at school and I'm trying to settle in but its really hard. I took a resident assistant position in the dorms and I love it, but I'm having

AshleyyyRebecca

AshleyyyRebecca

Feeling Okay.

For the first time in a while, Im feeling okay. I recently got my survivor tattoo and since then ive felt very empowered. I have sad moments, but not nearly as many as I used to. Its nice to have a few weeks of not constently being sad. Im heading into my final week of my freshmen year in college, and im beyond excited to go home. At the same time, im also very nervous because home as recently become a very big trigger for me. Im hoping I can handle it, I miss my family and friends more than an

AshleyyyRebecca

AshleyyyRebecca

A Million Different Emotions.

Today, I feel so many different emotions. The five year mark of my rape is coming up. I dont know how I should feel about this. should I feel sad that five years ago someone I thought I knew took all of my power, control, confidence and peace of mind. Or should I feel empowered to know that ive made it five years without going completely insane. I want to think that im slowly getting better, but lately I feel more depressed then I ever have. I wont be home for this day either, im 8 hours away at

AshleyyyRebecca

AshleyyyRebecca

Anxiety.

Ever since I was attacked, ive had really bad anxiety problems. I have panic attacks when it gets really bad. But on a daily basis, when things bother me I have trouble breathing, and my skin breaks out with red blochy marks. Its a dead give away, which makes it harder to deny that the littlest things are bothering me. My friends dont understand, but really neither do i. It could be something as small as a guy i dont even know looking at me or having a male waiter out at resturants or someone "j

AshleyyyRebecca

AshleyyyRebecca

I'm New To All Of This. I Want To Feel Better.

Hello all. Im Ashley, a 19 freshmen in college. Im trying to teach myself how to become a survivor, but its not going very well. So, this is why im reaching out. Im not ready to tell my story, but im ready to slowly start dealing with what happened. Its starting to control my life and I cant take it anymore...I have so much life in me and I feel like its going to waste because im afraid to really live. Someone please help me....

AshleyyyRebecca

AshleyyyRebecca

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