How Do I Go Back?
How do I go back?
I can't seem to shake this underlying emotion that I am so different than the person I was before everything happened to me. How do I get that person back? I guess you could say that there is no turning back; that what's done is done and I have to face the reality that I'm no longer that timid, fragile little girl anymore, and I've blossomed into someone new... someone better. I don't believe that for a second though. I'm not a better version of my old self, I'm a worse one.
When I look back on my past I smile and it warms my heart. I used to be such a hopeless romantic. I thought with my heart instead of my head, and even though I got hurt often from being that way, I fell in love fast and hard but I made the best memories and connections. I miss being so positive, loving, and compassionate. Now... I can't even think about being in a relationship at all. I don't view love or men in the same light at all anymore. I'm afraid now. Always. I can't walk down the street without thinking some random man will come and take advantage of me again. I am constantly in fear that I'm being watched or going to be manipulated into risky situations.
It's been two years. What's wrong with me?
I turn to men for physical affection and that's it. I was never like this before. How could something so awful turn me on to acting promiscuously, when it "should" have done the opposite? I feel hopeless... like this thing that happened to me cheated me out of the person I was supposed to become. How do I overcome it all alone?
I feel as if I'll never be able to honestly love another man again.
All I want is to be able to laugh and love and play again without worry or doubt in my heart about who I am.
Is that too much to ask?
4 Comments
Recommended Comments
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now