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eternalsunshine

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About eternalsunshine

  • Birthday 06/15/1994

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Virginia

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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  1. My best friend called me last night, to tell me that her best guy friend took advantage of her. He had been drinking heavily at some party so she came to give him a ride home. When she walked with him in the house he continued to put his hands all over her even though she kept saying no. At one point she told me that she had to forcibly remove his hands from her, with all of her strength, because he was hurting her. No matter how many times she said no... he still continued. At first she was confused as to what to "classify" what he did to her, whether it really was rape. They have had consensual sex multiple times in the past and she was afraid that she could have been "leading him on" or that he may have just assumed it was consensual. Well... it was not. Immediately I came to her defense and tried my best to comfort her, even though I was struggling to hold back the vivid memories of my attack. However, she didn't seem as concerned. She didn't even want to TALK to him about what happened the next day (in the case he drunkenly forgot) because she didn't want to start a fight or lose him as a friend. If he was really her FRIEND he wouldn't have taken advantage of her! I'm so angry that she feels this way, and is simply going to let this guy get off the hook, but I can't make this decision for her. It's not my place. She has to come to terms with what happened to her on her own time. My bombarding her to whoop his ass won't solve anything and I know that. She's implying that I'm being too sensitive to her situation because I'm still dealing with so much from my incident. She says it's harder/worse for her because it was someone she knows and loves, and not some random guy. This infuriated me. This "random guy" who attacked me was still an acquaintance of mine. He dragged me by my hair across cement flooring and beat me until my vision started to blur and proceeded to threaten my life if I didn't do what he said. Do NOT tell me that my situation was any less detrimental than yours. Do not. I want to help her through this healing process so badly but I'm afraid my own emotions will get in the way. I think she's a coward for not wanting to make him take responsibility for his actions, it almost disgusts me. I don't want to feel that way though... I know that she may not be ready or ever be ready for that matter. I also know that I have to respect her wishes, and I do. I just don't know how to be a good friend in this situation, when I'm still so jaded...
  2. Thank you so much for your kind words. I truly appreciate it. Trying to get myself to think more logically, like observing I'm within earshot of others, is great advice. I will try that now. It's a huge relief that you also feel detached on the emotional level with men as well, I have yet to encounter someone else who shares that with me. I was starting to think I was going crazy. How could ONE awful action, change me and my life forever? It just astounds me.
  3. My old friends say the same thing! "It's like a part of you died.." EVERY thing is harder, you're right. I never thought about it that way but it's true. I feel like I'm always looking over my shoulder every where I go. I'm not really sure where to go from here... whether I accept this way of life or change something. So I'm totally in the same boat. It feels nice knowing others going through the exact same thing.
  4. How do I go back? I can't seem to shake this underlying emotion that I am so different than the person I was before everything happened to me. How do I get that person back? I guess you could say that there is no turning back; that what's done is done and I have to face the reality that I'm no longer that timid, fragile little girl anymore, and I've blossomed into someone new... someone better. I don't believe that for a second though. I'm not a better version of my old self, I'm a worse one. When I look back on my past I smile and it warms my heart. I used to be such a hopeless romantic. I thought with my heart instead of my head, and even though I got hurt often from being that way, I fell in love fast and hard but I made the best memories and connections. I miss being so positive, loving, and compassionate. Now... I can't even think about being in a relationship at all. I don't view love or men in the same light at all anymore. I'm afraid now. Always. I can't walk down the street without thinking some random man will come and take advantage of me again. I am constantly in fear that I'm being watched or going to be manipulated into risky situations. It's been two years. What's wrong with me? I turn to men for physical affection and that's it. I was never like this before. How could something so awful turn me on to acting promiscuously, when it "should" have done the opposite? I feel hopeless... like this thing that happened to me cheated me out of the person I was supposed to become. How do I overcome it all alone? I feel as if I'll never be able to honestly love another man again. All I want is to be able to laugh and love and play again without worry or doubt in my heart about who I am. Is that too much to ask?
  5. Hey there everyone! I'm new here and ready to finally open up about what happened to me. I'm unsure of what my next step should be though? I don't really understand what to do on here, and how to get the best experience I can from this site. I would really appreciate it.
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