I have read a lot lately about not knowing what to write or say.  If only I could truly express my feelings in words.  I want to live my life knowing I never knew it was going to happen. Was there a reason it happened?  Don't they say everything happens for a reason.  What is the reasoning for this.  I am meant to relive these nights just because.  My counselor seems understanding, and is what I always wanted.  I know I can not live with the memories creeping back daily.  If someone passes away or you break up with someone,  it gets easier as time goes on.  This seems harder, time goes by but I don't feel any better.  The memories of those nights are truly terrifying.  I cope with them, and it is all I can do.  How long will this flashback last,  how long until this memory leaves?  Is today going to be a good day?  All these questions I ask because of someone else's decision to do something wrong. I won't ever know why they chose to do that.  The pain inside feels like it won't leave.  I have been anxious to hear from a detective, which hasn't happened.   I don't want to wait another week before calling and asking what is going on.