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About this blog

I joined recently after feeling not heard for years. I read another blog entry that said," I used to be so happy and care free now I can't go on a simple date or to the grocery store, I need help".  I feel horrified that that person feels the way she does.  My story is painful to talk about, I like to continue living life knowing it happened and I can't go back and change it.  What would my life be like if I hadn't been taken advantage of.  There are days when I ask myself, how can someone be so evil to have done that. I didn't ask for help until recently.  I am from a small town and people talk.  Professionals say to not care what other people think.  When I do that, I am seen as selfish or rude.  The events that happened to me shaped me into who I am.  Once joining and seeing the endless forums and blogs I realize I'm not the only one and it gives me hope.  I feel I've been told to not say anything from people I told.  Once talking to a counselor, she said not everyone knows how to react.  I wasn't asked what happened to me after.  Why? Why wasn't I rescued?  I am not homeless,  I have loving parents.   But, somedays it just seems I am not understood.  I want everyone not just my family anyone I meet to shout from the rooftops this terrible human being did this on this night and it was wrong.  Then, I feel don't be bitter be better than those people.  I read a coping strategy article that said write a letter to your attacker, but do not mail it.  I wonder to this day what that person thinks when he lives his life.  I will never be the same person I was before.  Others say, this will make you stronger.  I have never written about my feelings before, and it only makes me want to talk about them.  I relive those moments, over and over.   I do not want to be silent anymore.  The unbearable feeling of knowing he is less than five minutes from my residence makes me uneasy.  I am building up strength to report my attacks.   I am searching to find others that reported and how it made them feel.

Entries in this blog


Today. I am thinking of trauma.  I love being able to blog and say whatever I please.  I can not be judged.  Thinking back to that moment, when I woke up slumped over placed in a position like a rag doll, naked.  I did not give permission to take my clothes off.  It is sick.  I hope he remembers it ...to his last living day, because it is not my problem he chose to do that.  And to all the people that judge and talk about me because of that, that is there problem too.  I feel bad for them.  I se


aprilbaby49 in Today.

How it feels

Some days I wonder if he cares how he has made me feel?  We were close for so many years, and after that first night I never spoke to him again.  It hurts to know what he did, and that he didn't admit it.  Will he ever?  The hardest thing is to know he hasn't paid for it.  In the bigger scheme, shouldn't someone who committed rape have to face the consequences in the eyes of the law.  I feel like I am waiting for a call from the detective, all the time... waiting for the words he admitted to eve


aprilbaby49 in How it feels


I have read a lot lately about not knowing what to write or say.  If only I could truly express my feelings in words.  I want to live my life knowing I never knew it was going to happen. Was there a reason it happened?  Don't they say everything happens for a reason.  What is the reasoning for this.  I am meant to relive these nights just because.  My counselor seems understanding, and is what I always wanted.  I know I can not live with the memories creeping back daily.  If someone passes away


aprilbaby49 in Coping

Some days...

I finally reported.  I felt sick to my stomach.  I felt as though I was watching myself.  The number of years I had longed to tell an officer my story and it was happening.  I can't describe how it felt to tell another person, not my counselor, or you guys, or my support group.  I hope for the best, and is the best being he is held accountable, yes.  I fear nothing will come of it, and I will be heart broken.  I read an entry this morning about apologies.  Ever since that day, I no longer let th


aprilbaby49 in Some days...

I Have a Voice

Once this happened, I felt like a huge part of me was lost.  A piece of me changed.  I still feel like me but a piece of my happiness has been stolen.  I've read other blogs saying I didn't deserve this, I deserve justice.  I want so much for this feeling to go away, and does it take me reporting to do that?   I have read articles of people saying it was the best thing they ever did.  I never thought I'd need to report the awful thing that lingers in my thoughts day after day night after night. 



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