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aprilbaby49

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    Survivor

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  1. aprilbaby49

    Today.

    Today. I am thinking of trauma. I love being able to blog and say whatever I please. I can not be judged. Thinking back to that moment, when I woke up slumped over placed in a position like a rag doll, naked. I did not give permission to take my clothes off. It is sick. I hope he remembers it ...to his last living day, because it is not my problem he chose to do that. And to all the people that judge and talk about me because of that, that is there problem too. I feel bad for them. I see so many entries and blogs, that the victim feels bad. I understand everyone processes trauma diff
  2. You have found a great place. Mine happened years ago, and it wasn't until now a couple months ago I found AfterSilence. I feel encouraged here, like WannaMoveOn said you deserve to be heard. If it wasn't for reading everyone's stories I would feel alone. Here, I truly know I am not the only one who experienced something traumatizing. I felt alone, like no one around me would understand the hurt and pain the incident caused. The worst feeling is feeling scared, and you are not alone.
  3. Some days I wonder if he cares how he has made me feel? We were close for so many years, and after that first night I never spoke to him again. It hurts to know what he did, and that he didn't admit it. Will he ever? The hardest thing is to know he hasn't paid for it. In the bigger scheme, shouldn't someone who committed rape have to face the consequences in the eyes of the law. I feel like I am waiting for a call from the detective, all the time... waiting for the words he admitted to everything. If he doesn't I will be shocked. The person I knew, the memories from middle school up to
  4. aprilbaby49

    Coping

    I have read a lot lately about not knowing what to write or say. If only I could truly express my feelings in words. I want to live my life knowing I never knew it was going to happen. Was there a reason it happened? Don't they say everything happens for a reason. What is the reasoning for this. I am meant to relive these nights just because. My counselor seems understanding, and is what I always wanted. I know I can not live with the memories creeping back daily. If someone passes away or you break up with someone, it gets easier as time goes on. This seems harder, time goes by but
  5. I finally reported. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt as though I was watching myself. The number of years I had longed to tell an officer my story and it was happening. I can't describe how it felt to tell another person, not my counselor, or you guys, or my support group. I hope for the best, and is the best being he is held accountable, yes. I fear nothing will come of it, and I will be heart broken. I read an entry this morning about apologies. Ever since that day, I no longer let that person have an impact on me. I no longer want to seek an apology that I will never get. I told
  6. Once this happened, I felt like a huge part of me was lost. A piece of me changed. I still feel like me but a piece of my happiness has been stolen. I've read other blogs saying I didn't deserve this, I deserve justice. I want so much for this feeling to go away, and does it take me reporting to do that? I have read articles of people saying it was the best thing they ever did. I never thought I'd need to report the awful thing that lingers in my thoughts day after day night after night. It is so horrible, I push it the back of my mind and pretend I've moved on. If I can't not think a
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