Here it is nearly 130am and I am lying here trying to silence my mind while much of the world is fast asleep. It's a battle I have been fighting for a few weeks now. I thought I was winning nearly a year ago. I was asleep before the late night shows came on. Slowly things returned. Some days, a bad movie helps. Other days, a sleep aid is needed.

There are a few reasons why. Continuing to suppress feelings and emotions doesnt help. When the feelings creep in, I push them back and try harder to find distractions. 

Then there is the physical pain. 2 months from the procedure and I am thoroughly dissappointed. My hopes were high. The results are half and half. While the bleeding as reduced tremrndously, the physical pain remains. It is constant and more painful than before. None of this is uncommon. My dr did try to keep me level headed but I had sky high hopes. The realization that my dreams were again squashed is difficult. Guess this is the time I forgot to hope for best but prepare for worst.

Then there is the high blood pressure. While it is under control as confirmed by my most recent appt, there is a lingering thought that one day it will stop work and I will die in my sleep. Since I am not suicidal and havent been for months this thought is troubling. When my bp was at it's highest I had no symptoms. No headaches or dizziness. I was fatigued but I was also anemic. The last thing I want right now is to have my family find me no longer alive. The drs have terrified me enough that it is a daily thought. Thanks for nothing doc...

These are the things that have me up at 130am knowing the alarm will go off in 5 hours. So I guess it is time to take some pain meds. I hope there is some Tylenol PM left. Maybe I can be sleep in the next hour.