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almost 6 years

blackroses1999

Entry posted by blackroses1999 ·

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it's almost been 6 years since my raped happened, I still recount everything that happened that day and in a day can change your whole life. A lot of people are probably thinking what I'm doing here and why I'm in this group or shouldn't I be healed by now. Well I've put so much walls up and I was in so much denial from it for almost 6 years I denied that I got raped until all those walls came down and I stopped being in denial about what happened to me. We took it to the police, he was 17 and I was 13 when it happened but it still went to court and I was suppose to testify against him and I showed up for that day and I was waiting to do so until my defence lawyer came in the room where I was to tell me he pleaded guilty. but then he said he was high and drunk and he had an alibi, when his DNA was found it my underwear. Then we went through his sentencing where the justice system basically slapped him on the wrist and he got to walk free because he was 17 and by the time we went to court he was 18. I didn't have my parents to talked to because they wouldn't my mom told me to just get over it, my father wasn't the type to talk about that stuff. I was suffering so bad, that I self-harmed everyday. I put tinfoil on my windows because I was scared he was watching me. I knew him 3 year before he did what he did and I thought I knew him. But after it happened I blamed myself. I should have saw the signs. two weeks before that he sexual assaulted me so it had to be my fault. To this day I believe Im still to blame and i'm going to be 20 in 8 months. when my father left when I turned 18 I thought it was my fault because he didn't want a daughter who got raped so he would just ease us from his life and forget about me. now these walls coming down and denial has stopped. im completely lost I don't know what to do. 

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Survivor Amy

Dear Almost 6 years,

This site is new to me and so is reaching out so I hope you continue to. I understand your statement about others possibly feeling the healing process should be complete, I feel the same. The healing journey is yours and I hope you take the time to heal on your own time table. I wish you peace and calmness and hope to continue hearing from you. 

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