Entry posted by fawkes& ·
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I don’t know if it’s possible to forgive a man who raped you, destroyed your life. Or a man you loved, abandon you. Both of whom caused me so much pain, I know right now that is certainly a concept that I can not imagine. But, what I can imagine is letting the anger go. I believe holding onto anger, is imprisoning yourself in a cell where you hold the key yet won’t unlock the door. I find myself grieving over my ex boyfriend, I find it difficult to accept that the man I loved, who I created so many beautiful memories with caused me so much suffering, so I don’t. I have managed to convince myself that he is no longer present, at least that part of him. I think about him a lot, everyday. Actually, I think of Both of them, they flood my thoughts, what they did to me, how, why, so many questions which I will never get answers to. a few weeks ago, perhaps even days ago that reality would have brought me to tears. But, now I feel different. This is my life, whether I like it or not, I did not have the choice to be raped, to become pregnant as a result of the attack, to have my best friend and boyfriend abandon me. But, I have the choice as to how I deal with it. Sure, it’s tough and I can admit in the first few weeks I was too overwhelmed by pain to think about anything else. I had lost control. But, I have that control back, I have that ability to make a choice, to choose what to do next. So, I choose to move forward. I have held onto anger for too long, it is time to let it go. If you can’t control the situation, challenge yourself to control how you deal with the situation. My goal is to focus on what lifted me up, not what broke me down. To live in the moment, in the pain and accept it. To flood my mind with the kindness that helped me breathe again. Not the fear and trauma that kicked me in the teeth, it is tiring to live in such a way. I know it is not possible to flick a switch and suddenly your mindset is positive and your mind at ease. It takes time. But, know you will achieve it. If you can imagine it, If you can see yourself there, you, will get there.
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