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fawkes&

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  1. I don’t know if it’s possible to forgive a man who raped you, destroyed your life. Or a man you loved, abandon you. Both of whom caused me so much pain, I know right now that is certainly a concept that I can not imagine. But, what I can imagine is letting the anger go. I believe holding onto anger, is imprisoning yourself in a cell where you hold the key yet won’t unlock the door. I find myself grieving over my ex boyfriend, I find it difficult to accept that the man I loved, who I created so many beautiful memories with caused me so much suffering, so I don’t. I have managed to convince myself that he is no longer present, at least that part of him. I think about him a lot, everyday. Actually, I think of Both of them, they flood my thoughts, what they did to me, how, why, so many questions which I will never get answers to. a few weeks ago, perhaps even days ago that reality would have brought me to tears. But, now I feel different. This is my life, whether I like it or not, I did not have the choice to be raped, to become pregnant as a result of the attack, to have my best friend and boyfriend abandon me. But, I have the choice as to how I deal with it. Sure, it’s tough and I can admit in the first few weeks I was too overwhelmed by pain to think about anything else. I had lost control. But, I have that control back, I have that ability to make a choice, to choose what to do next. So, I choose to move forward. I have held onto anger for too long, it is time to let it go. If you can’t control the situation, challenge yourself to control how you deal with the situation. My goal is to focus on what lifted me up, not what broke me down. To live in the moment, in the pain and accept it. To flood my mind with the kindness that helped me breathe again. Not the fear and trauma that kicked me in the teeth, it is tiring to live in such a way. I know it is not possible to flick a switch and suddenly your mindset is positive and your mind at ease. It takes time. But, know you will achieve it. If you can imagine it, If you can see yourself there, you, will get there.
  2. fawkes&

    Be Brave

    When I read back and I think about what I have been through, it hurts, it causes me great pain. I guess I try and pretend to myself that not all of it was real, that it didn't happen that rather it was perception of my imagination. But, the truth is it was my reality, and it still is. You can’t hide from the pain, because if you do, you block yourself off from feeling the happy moments where doctors go out of their way to help you, where nurses great you with warm smiles, where counsellors and friends are always always there for you, the feeling you get when you receive the best hug, the times you laugh at the stupidest things,the challenges you face, that when you look back make you realise just how strong you truly are. You have to live, through all of it. It’s been rough, really rough, and in my head I still can not really come to the terms that I have gone through everything and I am where I am right now, in the library , applying for med school. I am trying to say, that when all seems lost, when it seems as though you’ll never get out of the dark place, you will, you just have to believe. Be brave. Take that leap. I am still haunted everyday by every emotion but they no longer consume me. I am further than I was before and I am proud of myself, one step at a time I am getting there. You can’t skip the chapters, that’s not how life works. You have to read over line, feel every emotion, meet every character. Not, all of it will good. Some chapters will be hell and make you cry for weeks. Some chapters will make you ache, the pain will be so bad you want to stop reading. But, you have to keep reading. You have to keep believing. Your stories will evolve, there will be sadness and pain, but there will be happy and brilliance, you have to keep reading, you have to keep turning those pages. This is your story. Live it.
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