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#10 Riding The Roller-coaster

elisand

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Today we discovered something unbelievable. We were struggling with why when i feel I hurt someone etc. that I am terrible. Just before I'd been feeling great. Why does this catapult me to the bottom? It's like a roller-coaster. And it's not fun. I want stability. 

Example: I was feeling like a 9 out of 10 and then I was reprimanded and shoot down to a 3.

Here is the deal.

First of all, that I did something awkward should not tell me I'm terrible. So why do I feel that way? Cuz it brings my feelings that life is impossible and I'll never get out of it and that I am helpless etc. The truth is that I'm not where these feelings are. The episode brought me to feel this. It's like a bridge. This thing makes me feel a little guilty about what I did Then i jump to think about how I felt for so long so intensely.

Really there are many things happening that determine how I feel. like safety social and personal stuff. So even if something I do something weird that shouldn't tell me to feel a 3. There are other stuff going on like being safe and feeling good about hygiene etc. It should only be a part of my overall decision of how I'm feeling.

This may actually direct my reaction to the negative thing to a lesser feeling cuz as I mention I do know this isn't where I am. It's like blowing up the old bridge.



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so I tried it. something happened that made me feel down I told myself there are other stuff that are goin' good right now. I don't have to feel terrible just because of this.

It worked.

Only that it felt so so strange.

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So I talked with my therapist for a while. It is a very important topic. We talked about acknowledging what happened. Deciding how much it should affect my life. And a lot of the pain is about that it reminds me of the pain I've gone through. Sometimes whatever happened could be a reason to feel down; it has to be something that affects what i have now in a big way. This is hard to put to words. I hope no-one feels hurt by it.

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I am new to “After the silence.” I was date raped only a month ago. This has been quite the roller coaster ride. I feel empowered talking of my experience and then I feel as low as I have ever felt. I have experienced sexual abuse as a child, however there is so much I cannot remember from my childhood that I have come to accept my past. As a 43 year old woman, date rape was never on my radar. I never even imagined this could happen to me. I have a almost 16 year old daughter that has been my rock! Through this I have always been a helicopter mom and never could tell her why. I just told her that I had bad things happen to me as a child and that I would do my very best to be understanding of where she is in her life and not rob her of her childhood. She has always been understanding and was able to talk to me when I would not allow her to do something. I have done well to listen to her and realize that maybe sometimes (ok most of the tome) I was allowing my past to dictate my anxiety of her life. Now I only live in fear not only for myself but for her life. I can’t seem to bring myself to even want to look for a job. I am a BSW ( bachelor of social work) and know from my education the way I should be and what I should be. I can’t seem to do this in my own life. I hurt to my core. Life has a way of bringing you to your knees no matter who you are and what your education level is or what your education may be in. I came here to find support. I hurt! I cry! I am empowered! I have a story to tell! I am scared! 

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Tina, I am so sorry to see about your recent traumatic experience. Educational status sadly enough has nothing to do with what we may actually come across.  It really all is rather like a roller-coaster. The lack of consistency makes it hard when trying to establish any sense of control. I am trying not to let the highs get too extreme. While not allowing those low moments to become too overwhelming. Which is of course easier said than done. 

Reaching out here can be a huge step in itself! Not to mention the courage you have shown in coming to this site hopefully being a positive as well. You are kind to look out for your daughter like this. Sounds like you are not trying to restrict at all. Just that you're trying to be protective. It's not easy escaping our past experiences. Perhaps some anxiety can even be a positive thing so long as it helps propel us forward.

:luck:

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19 hours ago, Tina2 said:

I am a BSW ( bachelor of social work) and know from my education the way I should be and what I should be. I can’t seem to do this in my own life. I hurt to my core. Life has a way of bringing you to your knees no matter who you are and what your education level is or what your education may be in. I came here to find support. I hurt! I cry! I am empowered! I have a story to tell! I am scared! 

What a horrendous thing this perv did. I'm so sorry.

To me, that you were affected quite strongly by this pervert is totally valid and legitimate. At the same time you're kind of reprimanding yourself, 'why am I reacting like this, I know all the therapy principles, I should be able to handle this'. Hard to acknowledge though it is, you were a victim.

The truth is that keeping the experience in is a recipe for depression and ptsd to set in. However, that is not to say you have to embrace a victim identity. It's just so important to obtain compassion for the terrible experience for proper healing. At this point this should be like on the front burner. You know much more about who one can tell in order to get the proper support when revealing what happened. Not to be vulnerable to someone who will be indifferent or who starts giving advice.

This might address the roller coaster. lmn Here for you always

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