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Finding my voice


Tigerswallowtail

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I am typically known as the quiet girl.  At least until you get to know me and earn my trust.   Get me talking about something that I am passionate about and be prepared to listen for awhile.  But really, I tend to be the listener and when people will ask if I have anything to say I usually to turn the conversation back to them.  I am especially quiet if there is conflict involved.  I'd rather avoid it and will often try to placate and try to diffuse the tension.

I am trying to change, to find my voice and freedom to express my thoughts and opinions.  In the last week or so, I've started to speak out, unable to remain silent in a situation any longer.  It has been a big risk, it still feels scary and I've struggled with doubts wondering if I did the right thing.  I had a session today with my T and she assured me that I did everything right and was very pleased with my progress in finding my voice. 

It is so hard to break old habits.  I kept silent about my abuse for 6 years before finally telling my mom.  Even after that I still didn't talk about it much.  I didn't talk about how I struggled with flashbacks.  I never knew when or where the thoughts and mental images would crop up to torment me. I didn't tell people that I struggled with anxiety/panic attacks when out in public around strange men.  I just put on a brave front and tried to live life.  But that has changed now 35 years later.  Now I have ongoing dialogue with my mom, my T and my close friends.  I tell them how I am doing, I talk about my struggles. 

I even have started opening up more to my friend B.  He hasn't given up on me these two years that we've known each other, but would each time we talked be sure to ask if there was anything I had to say.  To open up to him has been a big deal for me as I have major trust issues with men.  He has been a good friend, one I want to keep.  I know it won't go any further than just a friendship, but he has helped me in my journey to healing and I'm grateful.

So watch out world!  I am finding my voice and will keep silent no longer.

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