I am sitting here, trying to find words to express what I am feeling. This has been a rough week. I took a risk in actually voicing my opinions and concerns about a situation. I care about the people involved but it was so hard and I struggle with doubts about how I handled it. In the past I would have just remained silent, but I couldn't any longer. I desire with all my heart that there can be healing and restoration. I know there can be, but also know that it can get darker before it gets better.
What do I do when my heart hurts so, and I am not sure what the next step is? I pray, constantly. I seek out those that I trust and can confide in, sharing my pain and knowing that I have their support and that I'm not alone. Sometimes I'll write in my journal. Right now it's been hard to collect my thoughts, there is so much tumbling around in my mind (stress, anxiety, replays of the conversations...) It's hard to quiet my mind and I find myself trying to just distract it by watching a movie or reading.
I still haven't started playing my harp. I need to tune it. I keep thinking that I'll do it, but I let life get busy and in the way and another day goes by without touching it. I know that it would help my emotional state. Just quickly strumming all the strings as I walk by is soothing. How much more when I actually play it?
Reading the Psalms is comforting to. The author knew what it was to be distressed, to struggle with anxiety, to feel like nobody cared. At times he was running for his life. His family life had major issues and there was abuse between his children. He knew the heartache of seeing those he loved suffer. I can find the words to express the pain in my heart, and find the words that remind me of my hope.
This may feel like a dark night, but I'm trusting that dawn will be coming soon.