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About this blog

A journal of my journey along the road to healing

Entries in this blog

Dealing with Panic Attacks

It has been too long since I last wrote.   I started college for the first time a couple of years ago. Things were going well, I had moved onto campus and was living in an apartment with a roommate. For most of the time I had the apartment all to myself as my roommate was rarely home. I think she was living with her grandma or something. Anyway, I preferred to live alone. I was doing ok with classes and working as a student employee as a tutor in the writing lab. I was meeting new people, f
Tigerswallowtail

Tigerswallowtail

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Struggles of a College Student

This summer has been quite eventful for me. I completed my first college class (English 110/ Composition I) in the spring semester and got an "A". I then took English 111 (Composition II) this summer and just got my grades and found out that I passed with another "A". Both classes I doubted my abilities and constantly worried that I wasn't doing a good enough job. Others kept telling me that I was doing fine and that there was nothing to worry about. Every paper, every assignment was the same. I
Tigerswallowtail

Tigerswallowtail

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New Social Life

I have a lot of new beginnings this year, including starting college for the first time. So far I love it. I will be starting the Sign Language Interpreting program this fall, and was advised to join a group to help in learning ASL (American Sign Language) and to meet people in the deaf community. The group meets once a week at various restaurants. I've met a lot of people and am making new friends. The first time I  went I was very nervous. I only had just met a few of the college students that
Tigerswallowtail

Tigerswallowtail

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When I fall apart

I had a meltdown a couple of weeks ago.  The day had started out ok I thought. Well, except for the fact that I was getting over a bad migraine from the night before and wasn't feeling so good.  I've had someone describe it as a "migraine hangover".  I've never gotten drunk before, so not sure how it compares to that kind of hangover, but I know what I experience isn't pleasant.   Anyway, back to my story.  I was at college, which I am really enjoying, and was attending a workshop on test a
Tigerswallowtail

Tigerswallowtail

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I crawl into my shell

I've started college for the first time.  There are many things that I am enjoying and am excited about.  I am starting to get to know some of my classmates and am hoping to form some new friendships.  I love the class I am in, English Composition 110.  This is the only class I am taking this semester.  I was advised to do this to help ease into college life.  I think it was a good choice.  But then I tried eating in the cafeteria a couple of times.  I felt like I did when I was a kid and m
Tigerswallowtail

Tigerswallowtail

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When the bottle explodes

I had a session with my T a few days ago.  I had been looking forward to it as I had a lot of good and exciting things to talk about. I was going to be starting my first class at the local college and felt like I was making forward progress in my life after feeling stuck for so long.   Let's just say that I cried, no, bawled, through most of the session. Not what I was expecting at all.  I guess I had a lot of bottled up emotion and it just exploded.  Not pretty at all.  One of those times
Tigerswallowtail

Tigerswallowtail

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The Gift of a New Year

I love New Year's Day. It always feels like a new beginning to me.  A fresh start. A blank page waiting to be filled with the story of the coming days.   This year the holidays have been rough for me physically.  Spent a lot of time in bed with headaches or overall body aches so severe that it felt like I had a bad case of the flu.  Despite it all, I was able to get together with family for the annual gatherings and I was able to play my harp for the special services at my church.  I s
Tigerswallowtail

Tigerswallowtail

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Living with pain

This will have to be short as I don't have much time, but I need to write. Pain has been a daily companion for me, whether it is physical or emotional.  I really can't remember what it's like to wake up without physical pain.  How much of it is related to my past abuse and the emotions I struggle with because of it, I don't know.  The last two weeks have been really bad, with headaches almost every day.  Some to the point where I've had to cancel plans/work and go to bed.  I have been doing
Tigerswallowtail

Tigerswallowtail

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Another Day Slips By

I woke up this morning eager to see how the day would turn out.  I realized that after my morning counseling session I had the rest of the day free.  I decided to take advantage of it and do something.  The sun was shining, the sky was blue and the temperature was decent.  Thoughts tumbled around my head of what I possibly might do, but didn't get a decision made before going into my counseling session. My session today was an easier one. I went into it feeling bad because I'd not completed
Tigerswallowtail

Tigerswallowtail

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Why can't I relax?

I am tense, all the time.  I honestly can't remember what it is like to not have my muscles all in knots.  Lately it's been worse.  My jaw clenches so hard at night that when I wake up my teeth ache and when I go to eat breakfast I feel like it's a bit of a struggle to open it to take a bite.  My neck and shoulder muscles are so tight and knotted and I can never  get them to relax.  I go to bed at night and feel myself tensing up.  I lay there, trying to relax, trying to focus on the different m
Tigerswallowtail

Tigerswallowtail

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I am loved

As a child I learned the age old song "Yes, Jesus loves me!" I grew up knowing that I am loved, but recently realized that I haven't truly believed it in my heart.   I was sharing with a an older friend who was my coach in a group I was a part of.  As I told her my story and the struggles I've been going through, she gave me some things to think about.  She challenged me to show myself the same grace and love and compassion that I would so readily show to someone else if they were to tell m
Tigerswallowtail

Tigerswallowtail

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When the tears fall

This morning the tears were falling.  It started during my quiet time (a time when I pray and read the Bible and some devotionals).  I was trying to relax and had started to list all the things that I have fears about, trying to give them over to God.  I would start each one with "I am afraid of/I am afraid that..."  As I worked my way through my fears I could feel my muscles relaxing.  And then I got to "I am afraid that know one will love me" (in a romantic, life's partner, soul mate sort of w
Tigerswallowtail

Tigerswallowtail

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Finding my voice

I am typically known as the quiet girl.  At least until you get to know me and earn my trust.   Get me talking about something that I am passionate about and be prepared to listen for awhile.  But really, I tend to be the listener and when people will ask if I have anything to say I usually to turn the conversation back to them.  I am especially quiet if there is conflict involved.  I'd rather avoid it and will often try to placate and try to diffuse the tension. I am trying to change, to f
Tigerswallowtail

Tigerswallowtail

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When my heart hurts

I am sitting here, trying to find words to express what I am feeling.  This has been a rough week.  I took a risk in actually voicing my opinions and concerns about a situation.  I care about the people involved but it was so hard and I struggle with doubts about how I handled it.  In the past I would have just remained silent, but I couldn't any longer.  I desire with all my heart that there can be healing and restoration.  I know there can be, but also know that it can get darker before it get
Tigerswallowtail

Tigerswallowtail

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My Safe Place

Sometimes I need a place to retreat to, to calm my mind and emotions and regain a sense of peace and quiet.  When bad memories start to plague me, or if I am struggling with anxiety I try to remember to go to my safe place.  This was a tool that my first T gave me to work with towards the beginning of my seeing her.  Many reading this probably know what I am referring to but for those who don't know what I am talking about here is a brief explanation. It is a mental exercise where you imagine a
Tigerswallowtail

Tigerswallowtail

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A Cloudy Day

It is cloudy and chilly out today.  Kind of reflects my emotions.  I woke up tired and as the morning progressed I struggled with feeling like I need to cry.  I feel like I lost a day yesterday.  I had a lot of things needing my attention, but just sort of crashed and didn't do anything.  So this morning I was thinking of all the things I didn't get done and feeling guilty. It got to where I started to have an anxiety attack.  I was literally feeling sick to my stomach with it all.  I didn't giv
Tigerswallowtail

Tigerswallowtail

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Favorite Color

I have an assignment from my T that I haven't started yet.  We had been discussing my difficulty in really opening up and talking with my guy friend (I'll refer to him as "B").  B and I aren't officially boyfriend/girlfriend but have known each other for almost 2 years now and are good friends now.  He is able to talk to me about anything and everything, and I know he really wants me to do the same.  But whenever he will turn the conversation to me and ask if I have anything I want to talk about
Tigerswallowtail

Tigerswallowtail

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Not again (computers!)

Well, I just spent a lot of time writing and when I went to post it, I lost everything  - again!  Don't know if I can remember everything and it's getting late and I'm tired and will probably head home soon. I may try to retype it all tomorrow on my laptop and copy and paste so at least I'd have a copy it something goes wrong so I won't lose it again.   It's been a long day. Started off by getting my plans all changed when a friend called and asked if I could hang out with her young teenage
Tigerswallowtail

Tigerswallowtail

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A not so good day

Well, I will try this again.  I had a post all typed up but when I tried to post it, something went wrong with the internet connection and I lost everything.  I guess it fits with how this day has been going.  Yesterday was so good - I was energetic and got a lot accomplished. I even applied for a part time job at a really neat coffee shop that I frequent.  I woke up this morning thinking today would be the same and was excited.  It was not to be.  I had a bad intestinal attack from something I
Tigerswallowtail

Tigerswallowtail

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The Door

The Door I'm standing before a door. I am so tired.  My heart is breaking, the grief chokes me.  I feel as if I am drowning. The door stands between me and the healing I so long for.  I know I must go thru it and face what is on the other side if I ever want to be whole again. I have kept this door shut, hidden away, locked up.  I reach out and one by one begin to remove the locks. My hand grasps the knob and then, I stop.  I know that on the other side is a little girl. Once
Tigerswallowtail

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Beginnings

Any journey must start somewhere and here is the beginning of my journey of writing a blog.  I've never done this before, so bear with me. I plan  to use this as a journal in which I can freely express the feelings and struggles, and victories that I face day to day.   My T told me the other day that I'm in the chrysalis stage and soon will emerge a new girl.  There have been so many changes in my life lately, so many more that are needed.  Some days the pain is so heavy and the tears won't stop
Tigerswallowtail

Tigerswallowtail

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