This morning the tears were falling. It started during my quiet time (a time when I pray and read the Bible and some devotionals). I was trying to relax and had started to list all the things that I have fears about, trying to give them over to God. I would start each one with "I am afraid of/I am afraid that..." As I worked my way through my fears I could feel my muscles relaxing. And then I got to "I am afraid that know one will love me" (in a romantic, life's partner, soul mate sort of way) and I began to cry.
For most of my adult life I've kept myself busy and just tried not to think about being single. I figured I would get married some day and was determined to make the most of the time I had until then. But I wasn't really being honest with myself. Instead of acknowledging my deep longings I just shoved them down. Now that I have been going to my T, I have been trying to let the emotions come and let myself feel them.
I feel that my emotions are at odds with themselves. On one hand I struggle with trust issues with men. I am doing better, but still have a ways to go.On the other hand I have this desire to experience married life to the fullest. I want the companionship of a man that is in love with me and sees me for who I truly am. I want to do life with a partner.
I wrestle with the "Why?" questions: Why isn't any guy interested in me? Why am I still single? There are other questions too, but more than any I struggle with "Why doesn't anyone love me?" I know that my family (parents, siblings, nieces & nephews, etc.) love me. I know that my friends care about me. But there is a hole waiting to be filled with the love of a spouse.
So I found myself at breakfast sharing what had happened with my parents and the tears began to fall again. As I poured out my hurting heart, my parents moved to either side of me, comforting me and being there for me. They assured me that even though they don't understand why I'm still single, it's not because of my past. What happened to me as a little girl doesn't make me unlovable, or undesirable. I still don't have the answer and I know there will be more times of tears over this issue, but that is ok. I am facing my pain and my fears and some day I will be stronger. So, I let the tears fall.